The main reason I started writing in a blog is to get everything out of my head. A journal of sorts to help me find myself again. To find the real me who was buried under decades of denial, under the false beliefs I had of myself due to adoption loss.
Here I am, 90 published posts, more than two years later, and I'm still lost.
I have let go of many of the false beliefs I had of myself. I know that I wasn't a "bad girl" simply because of one bad decision. I know that I really was a mother, not just an egg donor and incubator for Christopher's "real parents". I know that I wasn't stupid for choosing adoption, I simply didn't know (most importantly didn't have) any options. I know that it wasn't luck that brought my husband into my life "even though" I was "one of those girls". Most importantly, I know I could have been a great mom to Christopher if I had only been given a chance.
I have come out of the closet of adoption since starting this blog. I speak out of my son and his adoption now. I proudly claim that I am a mother of 4, grandmother of 9. I'm no longer ashamed of the 15 year old girl I once was. People are probably sick of me talking out about adoption now. I will never go back into that damn closet again! It is too suffocating. The only winners in a mother of adoption loss being in the closet is the adoption industry. I won't ever be one of their pawns again!
I am no longer in denial. Although I sure as hell would love to go visit there now and then for a day or so.
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| "Lost" by Shellie |
Will I ever truly and completely find myself? I really don't think that's possible. I lost a part of myself, a part of my heart and soul, when I lost my son to adoption. Once adoption loss enters your life, it is there forever. And ever. And ever...
Susie
I am still reading but then again I know how it is. I really hope that your reunion takes a turn for the better. Suddenly, things are really looking up for when it comes to feeling in a better place with my daughter.
ReplyDeleteAdoption loss has defined me. I hope that others who place know that in advance. I had no idea.
ReplyDelete-LisaAnne
I'm impressed with how far you have come overall. This is a journey, a long, never ending journey. I think your prayers will be answered and Christopher will be healthy again. I've been thinking about this a lot the last week. Sometimes when there are major, pressing issues in our lives, we have to choose what we focus on. Maybe Christopher has had to choose focusing on his health and managing the feelings of his wife, children, friends and a parents, not to mention his own fears surrounding this. Maybe getting to know you better and managing his feelings about you and your feelings about him (and his health) are more than he can mangae right now. I know that sucks, but my hope for both of you is that he will get healthy again and can focus the energy he was using on his health, on you and your relationship. You've come this far, I know that you'll move further along in this journey.
ReplyDeleteI have just come to know about your blog and journey. I am Shellie who created the "lost" piece you posted in this post. Your blog showed up on my stats and I am glad to have stumbled upon it. I have a really good friend who has adopted a child and I know things are very different in her case as it is a more open adoption. I wish you all the best for the future. Hopefully with time your relationship with your son will continue to grow. I plan to stop by again. :)
ReplyDeleteI know the pain of loosing a child to adoption. Im scared he has been brainwashed by the strangers that adopted him when he was 6yrs old. All I know is the address. I write letters constantly and never get nothing back. It hurts as bad today as it did 10 years ago. I love him soo much and its never faded or gotten easier. Its the 1st thing on my mind when I wske and the last b4 I finally fall asleep, why did I have to screw up soo bad... I hate myself, I hate crystal mythe
ReplyDelete