Adoption Awareness ~ The Roller Coaster Ride

When I was first reunited with Christopher, I had NO idea what a ride I was in for!  Even though I had decided that 2009 was the year I was going to face my past, the loss of my son, and begin to search for him ~ I was still deeply in denial and in the adoption closet. 

I had no idea that my time-line of reunion was going to be turned inside out ~ we were reunited first, there was no "searching" necessary, and the facing of my past happened at high-speed because of that.  If you don't know about the beginnings of our reunion, you can go read about that wonderful day here. 

Photo by TempestPhotography

Christopher and I have been in reunion for almost three years.  You would think in that amount of time that I would be used to the roller-coaster ride of emotions that adoption reunion brings.  You would think I would remember that every time I have gotten lost in worrying things are not going well between us, I have been proven wrong!  

How amazing that one little email can raise my emotions up from a puddle on the ground, have me smiling and reassured again.  And yet, how sad is that also?

Will the day ever come that I'm not reduced to feeling like that wounded 15 year old girl again? 

(There's two more things to add to the list of things you don't know about when you are thinking about giving your child up for adoption.  The endless roller-coaster ride and the fact that in some ways you are stunted at the place and age you were when you faced the biggest trauma of your life ~ losing your child to adoption.)

Last night I sent Christopher a short email, not needing or expecting a reply, just a "thinking of you" note.  This morning I found an email from him, opening up a bit about his upcoming surgery and repeating his desire to stay positive through all of this.  I have been worrying for nothing again.  I know that he does care for me and loves me.  I still suspect that "we" are just too much for him to think about right now as all of his thoughts and energy are being put towards the immediate future, his surgery and recovery.  As they should be!

After reading and responding to his email, I then saw the new replies to last nights post.  I smiled as I read what Laurie wrote ~ she was so right!  And after receiving Christopher's email today, I do believe as she said: "You've come this far, I know that you'll move further along in this journey.".  I have to remember that my son and I were lost to each other for almost 30 years.  It's going to take time to grow our relationship.  I need to look at the big picture, the whole time-line ~ not just this one moment in time.  Last year at this time we had just met in person for the first time.  I wasn't too sure if I would ever see all of my children together ~ and now I have had that joy.  Twice! 

I don't know where this rambling post is going, I just started typing without even an idea of what I was going to write about. 

Since this isn't only adoption (be)awareness month, it's also the month of thanks, I would like to mention a couple of things I am thankful for today. 

I am so very thankful that Christopher was able to open up to me a little about his surgery. 

I am thankful for this up-swing in my emotional reunion roller-coaster ride.

I am so thankful for the wonderful friends I have "met" here in blog-land ~ you all truly make a difference in my life.  It warms my heart to know that there really are others out there who "get me", who understand all this rambling, all the confusion and heart ache ~ and whining!! 

Susie