When I (thought I) was making the choice for adoption, there was a lot about adoption that I wasn't aware of.
I wasn't aware that losing my son to adoption would effect every single aspect of my life.
I wasn't aware that it wasn't really possible to "just get on with my life" like the adoption agency said I would.
I wasn't aware that the adoption industry KNEW that it wasn't possible, but kept that to themselves in order to ensure their supply of newborns would continue.
I wasn't aware that I was indeed my son's mother, that I did have the right to see and hold my baby after he was born.
I wasn't aware that the reason I wasn't allowed to hold him was to take away the possibility that I might just realize the depth of my love for him, the depth of the mother/child bond, and choose to parent him after all.
I wasn't aware that the adoption agency wasn't really concerned about my well-being. They were only concerned about their own well-being. They needed my baby in order to profit the "adoption fees" from his adoptive parents.
I wasn't aware that the children I would go on to raise later in life would be effected by the loss of their brother to adoption too.
I wasn't aware that after losing my son to adoption I would close off a part of my heart in order to not feel the extent of the pain. I not only closed it to feeling the pain and grief ~ I closed it to fully feeling and accepting love also.
I wasn't aware that adoption could only provide my son with a different life, not a better one.
I wasn't aware that adopted people often deal with life-long feelings of abandonment.
I wasn't aware that adopted people often equate being loved with being left behind when they are told that they were given up for adoption because their moms "loved them so much".
I wasn't aware that my problems were temporary, while adoption was forever.
I wasn't aware that forever was so very long.
I wasn't aware that even after being reunited with my son, my heart would still be left with a gaping hole from adoption loss.
I wasn't aware that when I was giving my son up for adoption, I was also giving up grandchildren, as well as a beautiful and kind daughter-in-law.
I wasn't aware that there was so very, very much that I should have been aware of...