Monday, August 11, 2014

Courage ~ Telling The Story of My Whole Heart

I took one of those facebook quizes the other day ~ What Is Your Spirit Stone?  I got:
Fire Agate - This stone represents courage. You are a true leader in your circle of friends and you're someone people look up to. You may come across as intimidating to some people, but you really are a good person. Just make sure that you don't get too courageous, and do something dangerous.
I posted on fb that I would never have considered myself courageous until these last few years. That I attribute reunion and the process of healing from the loss of my son to that...

Suz commented that she thinks of me as courageous.  That really surprised me because it's not an attribute that I have ever thought I had.  I've been pondering on this off and on for several days now.   

Yes, I do speak out about my adoption story.  I do speak out on forums, blogs, fb about the truth of adoption loss in my life.  

But I do it anonymously.  Mostly.  I have let some of the "adoption world" onto my "real life" fb page.  But not much of it.  (I can't really share much there, since Christopher, his wife, and his mom are on my friends list there.)  Most of my advocating is done through this blog, my "Finding Christopher" email and fb page.  

So.  Not so courageous after all...  

The first person in my "real life" that I told about the blog was my daughter ~ and it scared me to death knowing that she was going to read my heart here.  For I felt as Anna Nalick sings "I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd, cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud..."  

I recently also told Christopher about this blog, worried that he might find it by accident since I had started letting some of the adoption world onto my personal fb page.  So far he says he doesn't want to read any of what I have written here.  I was surprised that instead of feeling complete relief at that I was disappointed instead.

I have only briefly considered telling any of my closest friends about my writing, letting them know that my advocating for adoptee rights goes much deeper than just that.  


Since taking that silly spirit rock quiz, I've been finding myself ready to share my whole story, to share all of me.  

After all, my daughter read this online diary of mine and it wasn't the end of me.  

Maybe it's time for me to start telling the story of my whole heart...

*my first post is here


  1. Mom, you've been through so much and haven't shattered into a thousand bits. What better definition of courage could there possibly be?

    1. Oh my beautiful daughter... you are one of the many blessings in my life that help keep my shattered pieces somewhat together!

  2. It can feel like a lonely path, but so thankful for your courage...I think it helps more than you'll ever know.

    1. Thank you Peach ~ that means a lot to me.

  3. I love your whole heart. I love that you shared. I love you.

  4. Oh my dear friend... Thank you for knowing and loving my whole heart. Love you right back xoxo