In The Funk. Again.

I've been in an adoption funk again for the last couple of weeks.  I know it's partially because a planned visit to see Christopher in July didn't happen due to my getting another kidney stone a couple of days before I was supposed to go.  Now we are finding it difficult to find time when we are both free at the same time.  It's been over a year since I've seen him, two years since I've seen his children.  I miss them dearly.

The funk felt bigger than that though. 

On facebook the other night, someone had posted a link to a site that calculates your probable conception date according to the date of birth.  Since I was bored, I clicked on the link and was going to punch in my kids' birthdays, starting with the first one ~  Christopher's birthday. 

Then I see.  Huh...  Does the body, the heart and soul remember? 

It's probably exactly 37 years ago, give or take a day or five, that I became pregnant with my firstborn son lost to adoption.

The Birthday was: Tuesday, May 8, 1979
Conception Date: Tuesday, August 15, 1978
Implantation Dates: Between Monday, August 21, 1978 and Sunday, August 27, 1978

The persons birthday was on Tuesday, May 8, 1979 at 40 weeks, and conception would have been on or around Tuesday, August 15, 1978 with sex likely between Wednesday, August 9, 1978 and Tuesday, August 15, 1978

37 years sounds so long ago.  So many things have changed in 37 years.  Sadly, much has not changed. 

Mothers are still being shamed into giving their children up for adoption. 

No ~ not as as it was,
having no choice if you were unmarried.

But in different ways. 
In more subtle ways. 
And some not so subtle.

I wonder if I will ever see a day in my lifetime when motherhood is honored again? 
When the mother and child bond is cherished as it should be? 
When the trauma and loss of a mother losing a child and a child losing a mother are losses that are recognized for everyone ~ and not completely dismissed if adoption is a part of the story?

I wonder...

Teleflora's Commercial Tribute to Young, Single Mothers

While wasting time on Facebook the other night, I kept seeing a link that several different friends had  posted about a Teleflora commercial that had left them in tears. 

It left me in tears too.  But for reasons unlike my friends.  Especially during this month of May, that includes not only Mother's Day, but also Christopher's birthday.

What a kick in the gut.

This wonderful son, grown up and serving in the military.  Who had been born to a single mom who gave up her dreams of becoming a professional athlete after finding herself pregnant with him.

This wonderful son, who praised all the sacrifices his mom had made for him. This wonderful son, who praised all the amazing things he was able to accomplish because of the love that he had from his mom.

While I try to not play the "What If" Game, I found myself also in tears ~ wondering what my life, what my son's life, might have been like if I had raised him instead of losing him to adoption.

I have not one single doubt that I would have been a wonderful mother to Christopher.  I had taken care of many children from the time I was twelve years old ~ I was a regular babysitter for several families in my neighborhood.  One of the families was so secure with my ability and maturity that by the age of 14 I was watching their two children overnight while the parents were out of town for the weekend.

I have no doubt that I would have been a better mother to my raised kids also ~ I would not have been parenting with the unaddressed trauma of losing my firstborn child to adoption.  I would have been a better wife and daughter, better to myself.

So.  Enough with that game of "What If"  ~ It gets you nowhere and only ends in grief and anger.

While this commercial was a kick in the gut to me, I hope that any unmarried mothers-to-be who watch it gain strength from it.  If you are young and/or unmarried and facing an unexpected pregnancy, being a great mom IS possible, despite all that the adoption industry and the seemingly perfect prospective adoptive parents want you to believe.

Teen Moms - Stereotypes

PLEASE read this article on RH Reality Check!  (Especially if you are one of the many people who land here by searching for advice on your teen daughters unexpected pregnancy.)

Where's the "16, Parenting, and OK" Reality Show?

While the article focuses on the role of media in the stereotypes, the problem goes beyond that to the whole of society. 

Here are a few paragraphs ~ but the entire article is a must read:

...Teen pregnancy and parenthood has almost always been framed as the beginning of the end of a young person’s life

Then there’s the fact that the media often overrepresents adoption, especially when it comes to teenage mothers. “The adoption story line is often used as a way to fix the ‘problem,’” sociologist Gretchen Sisson, whose work focuses on teenage pregnancy, parenting, and adoption, told RH Reality Check. “Teen parenthood and abortion are both very stigmatized. So adoption is kind of the way out and a way for the character to redeem themselves. Before abortion was legal, adoption was a way for white women to ‘undue’ the sins of sexuality outside of marriage. Adoption is used as a solution for teen pregnancy and abortion, when really it is neither of these things.

If one does not give their child up for adoption or marry the father of their child (if the father did not leave them already, as the narrative goes in the media) the identity oft given to parenting teens is one of a desolate existence for both mother and child.

While the media has taken on the role of “teaching” about teenage pregnancy, mostly through shame and stigma, media makers need to acknowledge they are influencing how gatekeepers—including school administrators, health-care providers, and other adults in a young person’s life—perceive and treat young pregnant people.

We have to start asking ourselves, as former teen mother and #NoTeenShame member Christina Martinez recently mentioned to me, “What if we were to surround young parents with messages of hope, support, and encouragement? How might that alter the confidence in which they approach their role as parent?”

I try to not imagine what my life might have been like if I would have had someone to surround me with messages of hope, support, and encouragement...


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Is your unmarried/young daughter pregnant?

Then I have some reading for you!  Danielle at "Another Version of Mother" writes a fabulous post for the Open Adoption Roundtable #35 regarding Grandparents.  Do yourself, your daughter, and your grandchild a favor and go read this blog post.  Then read it again. 

Open Adoption Roundtable #35: Grandparents