"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

I LOVE the movie Burlesque!  I was listening to the soundtrack this morning as I was getting ready for work. 

As I listened to the song "You Haven't Seen The Last of Me", I immediately thought of a friend from an on-line forum I belong to.  She has taken a break from the forum, as the happy-dappy adoption attitudes and the ap's who like to label us as "bitter birthmoms" have taken their toll on her.   I then thought of all of us strong women who are surviving adoption loss ~ the moms and the adoptees.  For I believe that we ARE strong, even when we are feeling weak.   And that is why I am so very thankful for all of the on-line friends I have met in adoption blog-land.  When I am feeling weak, feeling brought down to my knees and past the point of breaking, all of them, all of you lift me back up again ~ you are my strength until I can stand up on my own again! 

"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But just there's something so strong
Somewhere inside me.
And I am down, but I'll get up again.
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed right past the point of breaking,
But I can take it.
I'll be back -
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me.
You haven't seen the last of me.

They can
Say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me.
You don't know me, you don't know who I am.
Don't count me out so fast.

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed
right past the point of breaking,
But I can take it.
I'll be back -
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me.
There will be no fade-out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing on top again.
Times are hard but
I was built tough.
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of.

I've been brought down to my knees
I've been pushed
right past the point of breaking,
But I can take it.
I'll be back -
Back on my feet
This is far from over

I am far from over...

You haven't seen the last of me.

No, no,
I'm not going nowhere.
I'm staying right here!
Oh no,
You won't see me beg
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

(Doll ~ I'm so thankful for FaceBook ~ I wasn't ready to see the last of you!)

Susie

How do the adoptive parents make you feel?

As a mother who placed, how do the adoptive parents make you feel?

This question was asked on a forum I belong to recently.  Normally I ignore most of the adoption questions there, but for some reason this one keeps coming back to me.  When an idea or thought gets stuck in my head, it usually means it is something that I need to deal with for some reason.

One of the reasons I started to write and blog about my adoption story was because I was having such a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into words.  I often felt like I just had a bunch of random words and bits of thoughts swirling like a tornado in my brain.  When I would try to put them into a cohesive thought or sentence, I couldn't.  It's like I had spent so many years, decades, hiding from the thoughts and feelings about my son and his adoption, it became all but impossible to finally face them and put words to them.   This blog has helped me with that so much.  It helped me to come fully out of the fog and finally know and accept the effects of adoption loss on my life.  I finally put an end to the constant tornado.

I had all but forgotten that feeling of the swirling thoughts that wouldn't settle down no matter how hard I tried.  Trying to put thoughts or words together to describe how Christopher's parents make me feel have brought it right back.  I am going to attempt to answer that question, hoping that by writing it out I will figure it out.

The very first and most simple thought/feeling that comes to mind when thinking about them is gratefulness.  It seems... wrong somehow?  to want to express my thanks to them for being wonderful parents to Christopher though.  I don't know why it feels wrong, but it does.  Maybe because of the hurt I felt when I read his mothers words of thanks to me for my "selfless decision".  The thanks were meant completely out of love and gratefulness, and I did read them as loving words, but it later felt like a kick in the stomach, a "thanks for living with life-long grief and loss that is unimaginable by anyone who has not lived the life of a mother without her child".  Maybe I feel ambivalent about saying that I feel grateful to his parents because to them it could be seen as hurtful, not with the love that I mean it in; but since I am not an adoptive parent I don't realize how those words could be perceived as hurtful.  (Those were some rambling sentences ~ I hope that they make at least a little sense!)

So.  Overall, how do Christopher's parents make me feel?  ... Confused?  Intrusive?  Sad?  I guess that since I have no idea how they feel about me, about me being in their son's life, it just leaves me wondering. 

After I gave Christopher up, I often fantasized that I was somehow able to write to his mom.  I used to actually write the letters, but had nowhere to mail them to.  I imagined that I was able to become pen-pals of sorts with her.  I dreamed that I was able to KNOW, not hope, how he was doing as he grew up.   I was able to learn the funny things he said and did as he was growing up.  I got to read about when he started to walk and talk, ride a bike, start school...  I was able to learn how her life was changed as a mother to a son.  I was able to see photos of him, of them, as Christopher grew up so I could stop looking at every little boy his age and wonder if it could have been him.  I wanted her to know how my life was going too.  I wanted her to know the milestones that happened in my life.  I guess I mostly hoped that she cared how I was doing.  I felt a bond of sorts between us ~ two mothers with a deep and profound love for the same child.  I still feel that bond, even though we have never met, even though we have never become the "pen-pals" that I dreamed of.

I guess how his parents make me feel is wanting.  Wanting to know them, wanting to act on that bond I feel with his mother.  Wanting to be a part of their family and for them to be a part of mine.  Wanting to have a relationship in real-life, not just in my heart.

Susie

 

Happy Thanksgiving

I have so much to be thankful for again this year.  I have more blessings than I could ever list, but there are a few that I want to acknowledge here.

First and foremost, I am so thankful to have my firstborn son in my life.  Especially thankful that I finally got to meet Christopher in person this year.  This will be my second Thanksgiving KNOWING that he is alive and well, not just praying that he is.  Before reunion, I really did not believe that I would ever be reunited with him in any way.  I have to remind myself of that when I find myself wanting "more" of a relationship with Christopher.  I am so thankful that he did get great parents, that he has a wonderful extended family as well.  I am so thankful that he is healthy and happy. 

I am so thankful for all my children.  I am so thankful that my three raised children have accepted and welcomed Christopher as a part of our family.  It is so wonderful to see my kids as young adults and also to see two of them parenting their own children.  I am especially proud of my daughter, who had her first child at 16, becoming an amazing mother at such a young age.  I am thankful that all my children and grandchildren are healthy, happy, and enjoying life.

I am so thankful for my group of close friends.  Two of us have been friends since 2nd grade, the rest I met in high school.  There are 5 of us, and I would be lost without them.   I have many friends, but The Girls are a part of me.  I am so thankful for our special friendships that have grown for over 32 years.  My grade school friend and I have been friends for 40 years now!  They have been with me through thick and thin, they are completely supportive of my reunion, and they always include Christopher and his children as a part of my family. 

And last, but not least, I am so very thankful for all the "friends" I have met online in my quest for finding myself after reunion with Christopher.  I truly don't know where I would be right now if I had not found all of those who validated the confusing thoughts and feelings I was having.  I am pretty sure I would have stayed right in that closet, scared of my own feelings, thinking something was wrong with me. 

I wish each and every one of you a very blessed Thanksgiving.  I hope you enjoy a fabulous day full of family, friends, and too much good food!