Acceptance?

This notebook doodle really has me thinking. 

I define my life in 3 stages.

Before Christopher

After giving him up for adoption

After reunion

Was it meant to be?  Was he not meant to stay in my life?  I do not believe in "destiny", as far as my life being pre-destined.  I don't believe that I was born to give birth to a child I could not raise.  I don't believe that Christopher was conceived by me in order for N & F to become parents.  Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever done.  My life changed drastically at that point in my life.  

Then...

Saying hello again in reunion was the change that broke me down, making me more vulnerable than I ever thought possible.  There have been many times during these last (almost) two years that made me think this change was more than I could bear.  There were many times I wished I could go back into that lovely place called Denial.  In some ways being in denial was so much easier.  In reality though, this change has saved my life.  I finally had answers.  I knew my son was alive.  I saw the ways that the loss of my son, the denial of the grief from that loss, was effecting every aspect of my life.  In finally being vulnerable, by telling my story, I have found strength.  In being vulnerable, I have begun to finally live an authentic life.  

In the weeks after Thanksgiving, I had come to realize there is another change that is necessary for my well-being.  I needed to accept that my "fantasy" reunion is just that.  It is a fantasy.  The reality of our reunion is a happy one.  We have discovered that we have a lot in common.  We have answered many questions for each other.  Christopher came into this reunion only wanting info, yet he quickly said he wanted "more".  Even though he does not email frequently anymore, he will reply when I send him one.  We are Facebook friends.  This is so much more than I ever thought I would have.  

The change I have made is that instead of praying for Christopher to want "more", I have been praying for acceptance.  Acceptance for what is.  I have felt at peace with this for a couple of weeks now.  I cannot change the way Christopher feels (or doesn't feel) about me, but I can change the way I look at our reunion, our relationship.  

I still have hopes for our relationship to grow deeper in the future.  I still yearn to see photos of him as a child, photos of him growing up.  I still pray that some day I will get to meet his family, that I will have a chance to know my grandchildren.  I will always hope that some day Christopher will want "more"; in his own time, not mine.  I accept where we are at right now.  I rejoice in what we have right now.  

Acceptance of what I have versus what I dream of is a welcome change to my weary heart and soul.

The "change" that reunion brought into my life became too much for me to bear as it had been.  I believe that this latest change, acceptance, is the only thing that saved my sanity through the holidays and now into this new year.

As long as we are seeking something, 

be it a state of being or something material, 

we will always be seeking. 

When we stop and accept what ever it is we are seeking, 

we allow the experience of it.

What Will 2011 Bring?

2009 started with a huge bang ~ it was January 16th that I opened my hotmail account to find the emails from a search angel and one from Christopher.  I will never forget the moment I found out my son was still alive, as well as healthy and happy.  We began a wonderful cyber reunion, and for the first time since 1979 I was able to celebrate, instead of mourn his birthday.  Every holiday was wonderful also, without the worries about if/what Christopher was doing.  As the year came to a close, although still very happy with our reunion, I really didn't think I would get a chance to meet him in person for a long time, if ever.

2010 became surprisingly harder as far as reunion emotions.  This year as holidays and Christopher's birthday came around, it was still wonderful knowing he was alive and well, but it became much more painful that he was missing in my "real life" at every celebration.  Christopher was no longer an "abstract being".  He was a flesh and blood son, who was missing from my family.  2010 was another monumental year in my life though.  On October 9th, I was finally able to see Christopher in person.  To hug him, see him...  It takes my breath away just remembering those first moments.  

So, here's to 2011!  For two years in a row now, something I thought would never happen did.  Being reunited, and then meeting my son in person after 31 years.  I am full of hope for this coming year.  Will I meet Christopher's family ~ his children (my grandchildren!)? his wife? parents?  I would be happy to just have another opportunity to spend another hour with Christopher ~ I feel like I am jinxing myself to even dream of anything more.  

I hope that 2011 brings monumental 

things into your lives too!  

I hope that relationships grow, the lost are found,  

and those rejected are finally embraced.   

A Candle In The Dark...

I lit my candle tonight at 6:00.  As it burns, I am lifting up my prayers for all parents living without their children due to adoption.    I pray for all mothers tonight ~ those searching, in reunion, and those rejected by their children.  I also pray for the adoptees ~ whether searching or not, in reunion, and those rejected by members of their natural family.  I pray for a change of heart for those unable to embrace their lost loved ones.  

Most of all, I pray for Christopher and I, 

that we continue to grow our relationship. 

I wish all of you affected by adoption loss 

a Very Merry Christmas.  

The Words of My Heart, Written by Others...

What a crazy week!  Every year I tell myself I'm going to be more organized, not procrastinate.  Every year I fail in that.  One good thing about trying to get all my shopping/decorating/baking done in a week is that it has helped a little bit to keep me distracted. 

I have been keeping up with all my blogs, there have been some great posts.  It helps immensely knowing that I am not alone in feeling such loss and sadness from adoption, although it is sad to know that there are others out there who also feel this way. 

I'm really having a hard time getting my thoughts to slow down enough to write a sensible post, so I'm going to share from some of the posts that have touched me this week.

Jenni often speaks the words of my heart, 

I was happy to see that she had a new post this week.

...adoption grief is pretty much always that one final thing that threatens to topple everything else over into a total pile of disaster.  You know what I'm getting at... You've been there. There are all of life's little (or big) stresses and we go from here to there putting out fires and problem solving and just living life in the moment doing the best that we can with what we have.  Then BAM! A trigger. It may be an innocent comment, a malicious remark, being introduced to someone with the same name as the person you've lost, a photo, an article, a program on tv, a smell...  And it takes you back to the reality of the grief that you hide from everyone else, every day, in the most secret place of your heart.

I've learned that the loss of my first daughter is something that is so big, so painful, so out of this world unnatural to my "mother's heart" that if I stare at it square in the face, I am so overcome with debilitating grief that I'm down for the count. My house goes to pot, it saps my physical energy and I start to feel very sick and lethargic, I have weird, unexplainable pains, I am not as patient with my kids or my husband, and I withdraw from the good and healthy things in my life.  I cancel plans with good friends. I'm bad at returning emails or phone calls.  I miss regularly scheduled commitments like Bible study, homeschool co-op or choir practice.  I procrastinate with bill paying. :( I eat what is easier rather than what is healthier. In other words, it is VERY unhealthy for not only me, but everyone else who depends on me if I try to face the behemoth adoption, it's stereotypes, myths and misdeeds.  Do you know how utterly exhausting it is to be in an environment (the community of other Christians) where the most horrible way you have been wronged in your LIFE is something that everyone else sees as wonderful?

As always, Claud's recent post is a great one. 

I am going to join in the annual tradition she writes about. 

On Christmas Eve this year, each of these women will light a candle at 6:00 PM and burn it until midnight, thus having candles lit around the world on Christmas Eve Night. The candle will remember the members who are searching for their child and light the way for the possible reunion. For those who are reunited, it will burn to strengthen the tie that was forged between the biological members of the triad. And, for those who have been rejected by the fruit of their womb, it will offer hope for a change of heart and a better future.

Lorraine has some beautiful words regarding search and reunion.

Whether you are an adoptee or a first mother, open up your heart to the love that someone wants to give you. She or he will not be a "perfect" person, but he or she is the right person for you. And to those who have been rejected, I can only say that rejection is part of your Tao, your path, and you need to be brave and call upon that courage to move around, over, and beyond the rejection, and find empathy in your heart for the person you seek who cannot summon their own courage within.

There is no "right" time to do a search, or "right" time to make the call that completes a reunion, or mends a broken one and heals it. There is only time, and each day we have less of it. Each of us only have so much time, and none of us know how much that is, and it is hurrying by like a horseman in the night.

I have only shared parts of their posts, click on the links to read more of their wonderful words.

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

Please bring me pictures of Christopher growing up.  There are almost 30 years of photos I would give anything to see.  I have pics of him at 3 weeks old, when I was "allowed" one short visit with him, and then I have pics from the last couple of years that we have been reunited.  I would love to have a glimpse into the years in between.  This is my greatest Christmas wish. 

Unless of course, you can put a bug in Christopher's ear about visiting, to finally meet his siblings & nieces and nephews?  Oh, how I would love having his family here, being able to see ALL of my children and grandchildren together.  What a family dinner and celebration that would be!!

While you are at it, can you put a good word in for me with Christopher's parents?  Tell them that I really do not want to (nor is it possible for me to) take their place in his life.  Can you let them know that having another person in his life who loves him is a good thing, not a threatening thing?  Heck, they might even like me if they could get to know me. 

Can you also please spread the word that a child is not a "gift" to be given to someone else to raise.  God doesn't make mistakes.  God doesn't put a baby in the wrong womb, in order to be given to the "right" parents ~ a "gift from God". 

Santa, you are the king of giving gifts, a friend to all children.  Maybe you could consider becoming a spokesperson for family preservation and adoptee rights.  There are a lot of natural moms and adoptees trying to spread the word about the truth of adoption loss, but our voices are drowned out by the adoptive parents and the adoption industry.  You are loved by everyone, maybe they will listen to you. 

Merry Christmas Santa!
Susie

Hiding From Reality?

I'm no longer the ashamed 15 year old I once was.
     I'm no longer hiding from the reality of adoption in my life.

I'm not letting society destroy my reality.
     Society just doesn't believe in my reality.
          Society doesn't believe in the reality of adoption loss
          for the mothers or the children.

Often, those effected by adoption loss don't even realize the reality of the loss.  I didn't until after reunion.  Thankfully, I can say that I never encouraged adoption to anyone as I did not want to be a part of someone living with the pain I felt from the loss of my son.  The pain, even in deep denial, was more than I would wish on anybody.

Yesterday I ran across this blog post (which was deleted after receiving my comment to it).  

We have good friends who are currently clear across the country in the process of adopting a baby. Everything seemed like it was going fine, however, the birth mother has had medical problems, and the baby can't leave the hospital before the birth mother. In the meantime, the birth mother is insisting on caring for the baby by herself (without help from the nurses) and is insisting on nursing the baby.

Please pray that she would make the right decision for the baby, and please pray for our friends who are in limbo, hanging on.

Thank you so much!

St. Joseph, pray for us!

St. Collette, pray for us!

Imagine that!!  How dare a mother insist on nursing her own child!  How dare that mother be allowed to care for her baby without any help from the nurses!  And of course, to this blogger, the "right decision" that should be made is for adoption to still take place.  Yes, it is sad that the couple wanting to be parents are in limbo.  It is so much more sad, however, that they are praying for the separation of a mother and a child.  The separation of a child from their family of origin, their ancestry, etc. 

Today I went to see if my comment had been posted.  I was not surprised to see that it hadn't, but I was surprised to see that the post had been deleted entirely.  

There was a new post today, referencing the post and the comment that had been received from me.  Explaining why she believes in adoption being the right choice.  Because she is adopted.  She says that she believes God doesn't make mistakes.  I think she means that God meant her to be born to one family, and adopted by another.  Because, of course, her mother fits the "crack whore" stereotype.  

She also goes on to say how hard it must be to give your child up, that she doesn't know how a mother can choose to give her child up for adoption.  But it is still the right choice ~ for someone else to do.  She received a comment to the new post.  A woman saying her sister gave a child up for adoption ~ she doesn't think she could have done it ~ but what an amazing story it is for her sister and sister's child.  

And then at the end of the new post ~ she says she's still praying.  

So am I.  I'm praying as this blogger originally asked.  "That she (the sick mother, still in the hospital) would make the right decision for the baby".  I'm praying that the mother, if at all possible, and if abuse/neglect are not a part of her story, has the strength and support to raise her child.  I'm praying that she has a full recovery from whatever illness is giving her the blessing of being with her child for the first days of life outside the mother's womb.   I'm praying that this mother and child have a long, blessed life together as family and will never know that pain and loss that adoption is.

Holiday Blues

Last year was my first Thanksgiving and Christmas after reuniting with Christopher.  It made the holidays so much sweeter ~ KNOWING that my son was alive, healthy, and happy.  I have always loved the holidays, despite the fact that my firstborn son was missing from the family celebrations, but last year the holidays were true celebrations.

This year I found myself with underlying sadness as we celebrated Thanksgiving.  I thought it was partly because I hadn't heard from Christopher for a couple of weeks. 

The sadness still clings.  Yes, I am so happy and thankful that I now have Christopher in my life.  Yet...

I don't. 

I'm sad.  And mad.  That my firstborn child is not my child.  I am his mom, yet I am not.  Why is the knowing not enough?  Why does my heart want, need, more? 

I thought it would get easier.  It's getting harder.

I want to celebrate Christmas with my family.  ALL of my family.  This holiday season I am feeling the loss of Christopher so much more than I ever have.  He's no longer "the baby I had to give up".  He is an actual person.  Christopher.  A husband and a wonderful father.  An artist.  Who lives four and a half hours east of me.  Whose life is complete with his adoptive family.  

My life has not been complete since May 8th, 1979.  You would think I would be used to this by now.