"Adoption Myth Buster: What It Takes To Wake"

I read an interesting article in the Huffington Post tonight.  The author, Jennifer Lauck, is an adoptee and the author of the New York Times Bestsellers, Blackbird and Found: A Memoir.  This current article is titled "Adoption Myth Buster: What It Takes To Wake".  The article is about her awakening from "magical thinking" about her adoption, to the realization of the true effects adoption has had on her life.  


Many things about this article broke this mother's heart.  There were several studies referenced regarding the effects of  infant separation trauma.  I have come to learn of some of these effects in the years following my reunion.  It is still heartbreaking to know that many of us first mothers chose adoption because we believed that what we were doing was only for the best for our children.  Yet, before either one of us left the hospital, life-long damage could already have been done to our children.  


One of the studies referenced was by Joseph Chilton Pearce, an author and human development scholar.  The study states that it takes less than forty-five minutes for an infant separated from his mother to  impact the brain and functions like sight.  I haven't heard of Mr. Pearce before, but I have added a couple of his books to my "read someday" list.  The thing that most interests me about Mr. Pearce is that he is certified as a HeartMath trainer, and is developing extensive insights into the heart-brain connection.  I haven't heard of this before, it sounds fascinating.   Hopefully I can learn more about this someday. 


Lauck also referrenced a study that showed that within six hours of separation from the mother, babies experienced "protest-despair" biology and "hyper-arousal and dissociation" response patterns. The conclusion of the Randomized Controlled Trial was: newborns should not be separated from their mothers.


Lauck states that many professional organizations have made recommendations promoting skin-to-skin contact and oppose routine separation of mother and infant.  My daughter-in-law, (who is due to deliver my grandson in just two weeks!) told me just the other day that her doctor puts the newborn infant directly onto momma's bare chest immediately after birth and leaves the baby there with the mother as long as possible.  They don't even take the baby to wash him/her off until the family has had time to meet each other.  The only time he does not do this is if there is a medical emergency preventing it.  


One of the most surprising references that Lauck wrote about is that of a former Catholic priest, Bert Hellinger.  Hellinger writes in his book  Love's Hidden Symmetry:   "In its most destructive form, inappropriate adoption can lead to illness and even suicide of the natural children."  I found it very interesting when reading about his book that he refers to the natural parents as "mom" and "dad" and the adoptive parents as "adoptive mother" and "adoptive father", and the adoptee as the "adopted child".  


Lauck finishes this excellent article talking about the understanding of and value of motherhood. 


I cannot agree more with one of the last sentences in the article:

To force a mother to choose between keeping her offspring or losing acceptance by the culture is to force her to split in half and as a result, to collapse. Rather than divide mothers, can we keep women intact, empower them and thus empower children to feel whole, safe and content?  

Indeed.  What a world it would be if we could do this! 

Call To Action From The AAC

Calling All Birthparents

THE ADOPTEE ACCESS MOVEMENT 

NEEDS YOU!

Join the OVER 650 who have already signed

Add Your Name to the Cause

Adoptee Rights Demonstration

Adoptee Rights Day and the Adoptee Rights Demonstration is August 8th this year in San Antonio, Texas.  Each year, Adoptee Rights Activists protest at the National Convention of State Legislators in demand of the return of the right of Adult Adoptees to access their Original Birth Certificates

 I hope that someday I can participate in something like this.  

Here are a few blog posts about this event.

Adoptee Rights Demonstration

Angry Adoptive Mom

Adoptee Rights Coalition

The Declassified Adoptee

Some Great Things I Have Learned In Blog-Land

I decided to add a couple of pages to my blog.

One page is a place to record some of the great blog posts I have read.  When I was first "coming out of the fog", I found much comfort and learned a lot from the words of other mothers and of adoptees.  I wanted to make a list of the posts that I think will help someone wanting to learn about living with adoption loss.

The other page I have added is for a review of the books I have read about adoption.  It is a short list right now, as I haven't really been reading any books lately.  I used to read all the time, but now my attention span isn't long enough to concentrate on a book.

Visit Claud and Comment to Oprah

Claud has a great post today, a letter to Oprah Winfrey.  Claud tells us at the end of her post  "I invite every reader, lurker or visitor of this post to add a comment addressed to Oprah asking for her help and explaining why."

 I think this is a wonderful idea, so I thought I would spread the word.  Claud is a wonderful writer, if you don't know about her yet, you should browse her blog for a while.  On the right side of the page, about half way down, she has a link to her most popular posts.

I know I haven't posted for a while.  I've actually been working on a page to add to this blog.  It will be a page with links to some of my favorite blog posts, some great research pages, and adoption related videos.  Great resources for mothers considering adoption, for first moms coming out of the fog, anyone wanting to learn about the effects of adoption on those of us who actually live with it.  When I was first reunited, I thought I was losing my mind.  I had so many thoughts and feelings that contradicted everything I had been told, everything I had believed to be the truth.  Finding some of these bloggers truly saved my sanity.  They let me know I was not crazy ~ everything I was feeling was the truth, was "normal" for my not-so-normal life.  Hopefully in the next few days I will have enough info to get the page added.

Another reason I haven't been writing much is because I've finally been back in my sewing room!  I finally finished the quilt I started making my daughter over a year ago, but hadn't worked on for about 9 months.  I also have a new grandson who will be born in about four weeks, and now a beautiful quilt is almost ready for him!  I will have to post some photos here one day.  I do have a life outside of all this "adoption" stuff you know!

Happy February everyone!  Only 48 days until spring!

"The Other"

I watched the above video, posted at this blog today.  I started to write a comment, but it kinda turned into a blog post instead of a comment.  


I couldn't help but think of "The Other" in my case being an adoptive mother or a prospective adoptive mother.  I kept finding myself thinking that The Other would never come to see adoption from my point of view, as adoption to The Other is not about loss of a child.  To The Other, I am someone who wants to take away her ability to become a mother.


I am not anti-adoption, I am pro-family preservation.  "The Other" looks at me as someone who wants to keep children in families with parents who are unworthy of being parents.  Too young, not married, too poor, etc.  Often times The Other looks at adoption in these cases as "saving" the child from a life not-good-enough.


Family preservation and Pro-adoption.  Both sides are convinced that their view is the correct view.  Both sides see that they are looking at adoption as what is best for the child.  Will these two sides ever come together?  

Will the adoptee voice ever be taken into consideration?

Happy 2nd Reunion Anniversary Christopher!

Two years ago yesterday I found the emails from the search angel and one from Christopher saying they were looking for me.  Two years ago today I received my first real email from Christopher.  The one that answered the questions that haunted me almost daily for nearly 30 years; was he healthy? happy? did he get good parents?

To answer your long awaiting ?'s - Yes, I'm healthy aside for gaining weight when my wife was pregnant with our son 2 years ago and never losing it : )   My parents are rock stars (not literally but they are the greatest).  And yes I'm a very happy person. 

In those first few sentences, I learned that my prayers had come true, as well as the fact that I had a grandson too!

I mailed Christopher an Anniversary card.  I can't believe I found one that was appropriate, and it had room to write "Reunion" before "Anniversary".  It was so very hard to not get too gushy when writing in the card, but I have been really trying to hold back when writing to Christopher lately.  He's been very quiet for a few months now. 

I've tried to never tell any of Christopher's story here on my blog.  I hopefully will not say too much here now.  There has been a big change in his life, which I believe is part of why he is quiet.  In December Christopher wrote to tell me that part of why he had been quiet at that point was because he had been going to several doctor appointments and was diagnosed with a pretty serious heart disease.  He has since been evaluated at Mayo Clinic, got a very reassuring report that the condition shouldn't get any worse, that it should be well controlled with medication and only minor restrictions in physical activity.  His first emails after diagnosis were very down, he couldn't help but wonder if he was going to see his kids grow up and get married, become parents.  One of my replies to him told him that he wasn't going anywhere because I had many dreams for our future ~  dreams I had never told him of because I worried I would be imposing myself onto him. 

Now, he's quiet again.  I hope that once he has had time to adjust to this change in his life, he will be back again as before.  I hope I haven't scared him off by wanting more than he is willing to give. 

I hope the jars of homemade salsa I canned last summer and mailed to him today, with the Snoopy anniversary card, warms him up to me again!


So much has changed since those first days of reunion two years ago, I feel like a completely different person.  Yet.  So much has stayed the same.  I still sometimes feel like that scared, insecure 15 year old.  Afraid of losing her son all over again.