One Year Ago Today...

On October 9, 2010 I saw my son for the first time in 31 years.  It was a wonderful visit, just the two of us for about an hour.  I will never forget that first look into his eyes, that first hug...  listening to his voice, his laughter... 

*Sigh*

Today I sent him a text.  It has been unanswered.  Just like the text I sent him early last week. 

One year ago today...

I wish I felt today 

as happy as I was

one year ago today.

 Susie

"Birthmothers That Scam Innocent People" ...Really?!?

I ran across a blog post titled "Birthmothers That Scam Innocent People".  It infuriates me for so many reasons. Not the least of which includes her use of the term birthmother and then using it for an expectant mother who hasn't even given birth yet.  Then there is the spelling and grammar issue ~ I wanted so badly to correct all the mistakes in the quotes below! 

After deciding to write about this, I wanted to find out more about the blogger.  Turns out she is the owner and founder of Unique Adoptions.  She calls herself an "Adoption Specialist". 

Unique Adoptions is an "adoption facilitating service" which is not subject to licensing by the State of California.  This is according to the information page on their website.

Unique Adoptions also has a "Birthmother Relocation Program"!  Wonder if they relocate mothers to Utah??

If you aren't too sick when you are done with reading this, you can find more of this blogger/specialist/founder/owner's writing here.  Some of the post titles?   "Daily Interaction With Birthmothers" and "How To Adopt In 6 Months". 

From the blog post:

So In order to get her and her two daughters safe, I purchased $519.00 woth of Greyhound tickets after I wired her $300.00 for gas and food to use her own vechile to drive to CA. But then she said it as stolen by the X-boyfriend RED FLAG! I should of stopeed there. But NO! I felt so bad for her.

Felt bad for her?  Really...

So I took her to the Ultrasound office to get a better date Idea of her pregnancy and possible determine gender .. But to my SUPRISE the tech said Oh look you are 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant!!!!! I almost passed out. Now what was I goning to do with this women and her children that had just arrived and was barley pregnant. NO family wants to get involved with a women that is not through her first Trimester.
So instead of saying SORRY, I cant help you I told her not to worry we would just keep plugging along and that I am sure once she was further along a family would love to parent this baby. So for 6 weeks I supported her and her to daughters , I bought her grocerys, Clothing, Blankets, Pillows, I let her borrow my DVD Player I had to pay to keep her in a hotel. I could of just said I am sorry I cannot do this but I did not have the HEart to place them on the streets, so I continued to Hemerage Money from my own savings account to the tune of $4300.00 dollars. 

Really...  She did this out of the kindness of her heart?  Or out of the expectation of the tens of thousands of dollars she could get from an adoptive couple?

she was going to abort the baby if we could not have a family in place. I tried to reasure her that their would be a family and to have faith..

So maybe she was not in it for the infant, maybe she was in it just to "save a baby from abortion"? Uggghhhh, I'm not even going to go there...

YOu know you can work with these women and think they are all so nice and caring, Bend over backwards to help them and then you still get screwed in the long run.

These women??!?  But was she bending over backwards to help them?  Or to help herself to their unborn child??

So all of you that spokme to us about Angela Pynes she is gone, I am out my savings account and who knows what the out come of this inocent child will be. Oh and did I forget to mention that she got a SAINT Bernanrd puppy to hide in the Hotel, The Kids needed something to play with!! Jeepers it never ends with these women.

Again, "these women".  There you go everyone ~ that is what adoption "counselors" think about the pregnant mothers considering adoption.  They are less than ~ they are only "these women".  This blogger isn't only talking about the woman who scammed her, she is talking about all expectant women she deals with.  She hasn't said "this woman", she has said (more than once) "these women". 

So as you can see it is not only adoptiveparents that get taken for a ride and used, But it is all adoption professionals, I am sure so many of us have storys of hugh financial losses because we choose to take a women under our wing and try to help her but in then end, We were just another tool toget what they wanted for a very short period of time. I am just glad that is was me who suffered the loss and not one of my many adoptive parents that were thinking of her as a potential birthmother..;.
Screw me once Shame on Me but Screw me TWICE?????????????????

All adoption professionals?  She's pretty important to refer to her being scammed as something experienced by all "adoption professionals".  

In the end, "we were just another tool to get what they wanted"?  Oh, is this kind of like the financial and other methods of coercion used as tools to get what they want? A newborn infant to supply their demand?  By exploiting a mother facing a crisis or unexpected pregnancy?? 

But she's just glad that it was her that suffered the loss ~ not the many adoptive parents.  Because you know ~ adoption is all about the adoptive parents, not the infant. 
 
Yes ~  Shame. On. You.  Here is my response, which I am sure will not be published:

You were not scammed by a birthmother.  You were scammed by a pregnant woman using your deep desire to obtain a newborn in order to exploit you.  You were scammed because of your greed for her unborn child.  You did not bend over backwards to help this mother out of the kindness of your heart.  You bent over backwards because you thought you were going to get her baby.  A baby you needed to help supply the demand your agency has for newborn infants.  A baby who would have earned tens of thousands of dollars for your agency. 

Shame on you and your agency for preying on women in crisis.  Shame on you and your agency for targeting women facing an unexpected pregnancy and feeling that if you take care of them for a few months they owe you their flesh and blood.  Even if this mother had been sincere in considering adoption, she had every right to change her mind at any time before or after the child was born.  Shame on you if you would penalize a mother for wanting to preserve her family in the end.  



Susie

A Tragic Loss ~ Blessings Realized

My community experienced a tragic death earlier this week.  39 years old, a wonderful husband, father, son, brother, uncle suddenly gone.

I was one of the people with his wife when the realization hit her that her husband very well could have been in the early morning accident we were all waiting to hear the details of.

I was one of the people to see her face when the sheriffs deputies came into the building and said that they needed to talk to her.

I cannot get the look on her face out of my mind.  I can still hear her words and cries.  That moment is etched into my brain and is haunting me.

Soon after that the school bus carrying their young children arrived at my school.  They didn't yet know there had been an accident, didn't know that their father had died.  We all had to carry on as though it was a normal school day.  The kids' teachers had to find the strength to smile and pretend.  I had to go get them from class when a family friend arrived later to bring them home.  I felt as though was leading them out of their happy little life, into a horrible new life without their daddy.

For once I was so thankful for my inability to cry, to pretend that everything was ok...


Later that day I called my husband and our kids  ~ I needed to hear their voices and know they were ok and tell them again how much I loved them.  Later that night, when I knew he would be done with dinner and bedtime routines, I called Christopher.  It was so good for my heart and soul to hear his voice again.

That horrendous day made me realize that while I may not have the reunion of my dreams ~ I do know that Christopher and his family are happy and healthy and loved by so many.  I was able to pick up the phone and let him know how much they are all loved by me.  If not for reunion, I would have been lost in the worrying that he may have suffered a death like the one earlier that morning. So sad that it took a tragedy for me to appreciate all that I do have in reunion, instead of looking at what I don't yet have. 

Life is too short.  Life can change in the blink of an eye.  Tell those you love that you love them.  

Give freely of your love and hugs ~ 

for you never know when it may be the last time you can give them.

I count all of you blog-land "friends" as blessings in my life ~ 

many of you have touched my life in ways you will never know.  

I wish each and every one of you to know the joy I have been so blessed to have in finding Christopher.  

To those of you searching, I hope you find.  

To those of you waiting to be accepted into your child's life ~ 

I hope your wait ends soon.  

To those of you with empty arms, I hope they are soon filled.

Thank you all for being there for me in this journey of Finding Myself. 

Susie

             

One Of These Days (I'm Gonna Love Me)

I often dream about songs.  I will wake up and have a tune in my head ~ sometimes I know what the song is, sometimes I only hear the tune.  There have been many times that I dream of the same song over and over.  Often I find that it's a subconscious nudge to me that there is something I need to pay attention to. 

In the spring of 1998 I woke up many mornings with the same tune in my head before I realized what song it was from.  I still remember the first time I heard this song and actually listened to the words to see why it was haunting my dreams.  I still remember being breathless as I listened to the last verse of the song:

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
And then I'm gonna smile a little
And maybe even laugh a little
But one of these days...
I'm gonna love me

I cried as I prayed that God would please let me know that joy one day.  Oh how I needed that sweet release, to rise above myself.  I was tired of being someone I didn't like.  Tired of being someone who felt as though she didn't deserve to have anyone's love.  Because I had been stupid enough to have sex with someone I didn't even really know very well.  I hated myself because I gave my own child away.  I hated myself for what I thought was being weak ~ because I hadn't done what "they" said I would do ~ get on with my life.  They said that one day I would have children "of my own" as though that would make the memory of my firstborn unnecessary.  I felt that every time I would think of Christopher I was "purposely" thinking of him, just to feel sorry for myself.  I thought that was... pathetic.  To use an innocent baby/child to feel sad.  On purpose.  I couldn't figure out why the hell I would do that.  I had plenty of other things going on in my life to be sad about, why was I dredging up the baby I couldn't raise to be sad?? 

I know, I know...  my beliefs back then didn't make any sense. 

This song is what first woke me up to how absurd my thought processes were.   I listened to it over and over, several times a day for a long time.  It helped me to start the process of learning to forgive myself.  I realized that I was putting things on myself that I didn't deserve.  I think the day I heard these lyrics was the day that I began my journey out of the fog of adoption loss.  I wasn't "purposely" thinking of Christopher just to feel sad.  I was feeling sad because of the loss of him. 

I heard this song for the first time in a long time today.  I found myself right back at the moment I first heard it.  It also made me remember that I have been waking up to a new tune lately.  A tune that's only a few notes, no idea what song it's from yet.  I wonder what revelations this next song may have?

Susie

Building My Wings

Falling.  Flying.  I find myself thinking about both as I continue my journey of "finding myself" these days. I found this painting and it occured to me that maybe this is what I am doing.  Building my wings.  The first time I remember feeling as though I could fly was when I started to authentically live this life of being a mom of adoption loss ~ I found reality in "The Truth Shall Set You Free".  As often happens, something unexpected came along to knock me down into the pits of adoption loss despair again. There have been many ups and downs in this journey of finding myself after reunion with my son.  Instead of looking at that as all bad, perhaps I need to look at the falling as a time I am "building my wings", strengthening them to help me fly farther up next time.  Maybe it's in the falling that we find the strength to fly.

Thanks to Suz leaving a link in her reply on my last post, I was able to read again her post about falling.  I again found myself being drawn into Suz's experience of falling...

In my head, I started to fall.
I felt myself falling into a deep, dark, tarry abyss.... And then, inside my head, I started to fall into that dark place.
I had lost my grip on the reality I had created for myself.
I knew I wasn’t coming back from that place.
I knew the world as I knew it was gone.
More images..my husband, my son, my friends, my job…
petty objects I would never see again.
Sounds I would never hear.
Flying faster and faster at me and then through me.Falling.
Fast. Incredibly fast.

I fear ever getting even remotely close to facing this!  But then, as I go on to read the rest of Suz's post, especially these words:

And yet I must admit that as much as that place terrifies me, it also intrigues me. I cannot help but wonder WHAT might be at the bottom, or perhaps on the other side.

If “the only way out is through” might I actually be able to “let go” in the sense of letting go of these pains, expecations and more. Might there be a better, brighter, happier life for me on the other side of that dark hole?

If I went in through the out door would I come out through the in door?

I cannot deny that even as I fear it, I also desire it.  I want to face my grief and loss in order to move past it.  I don't want to be held prisoner by my buried emotions forever.

 Now if only I could find a way to finally do that...

Susie
Thank you to The Artsy Girl Studio for permission to use her beautiful painting "She Built Her Wings".  Artsy Girl has many other prints that I have fallen in love with, including "Be Brave" which has also given me an idea for a future blog post. 

Pit of Despair

The comment left by Suz on my last post has reminded me of something.  Suz said about the emotions of losing her child to adoption:

I am TERRIFIED of their power. I am afraid if I really let them out, really cried, the weak hold I have on reality would be gone for ever.

Last year as I was trying to work through yet another layer of adoption loss, I was finding myself terrified of the deep grief I was beginning to acknowledge.  It was so deep, so...  all-consuming.  I was at a loss of how to even describe it.  One day I was reading a post over at Suz's blog "Writing My Wrongs",  where she described being at an adoption-related conference and finding herself being swept down into a pit of despair, and thankfully someone behind her noticed her distress and put their hand on her shoulder, helping pull her back to reality.  (I tried to go find that post, but kept finding myself lost in reading other old posts of hers and losing track of time so I gave up.  If somehow you don't know Suz's blog, you need to check it out!) 

I so clearly remember reading her words about the fear of that pit of despair, and it was as though I was reading an exact description of the fear I hadn't been able to put words to. That fear of falling into the depths of my grief became very overwhelming last fall, it was with me constantly.  (Brought on I'm sure by the beautiful October day that I finally got to meet Christopher in person.) 

I don't know what the point to this post is, I guess I just found myself lost in the remembering about the deep fear of losing myself to the grief.  It's still there ~ the fear of falling into that pit.  Somehow I was able to bury it again, to not be overwhelmed with it.  I wish I could find somebody who could help me safely face an express the grief.  I feel as Suz speaks of in her comment:

Its a safety mechanism for me. A protection of my mind and soul and life I live today. In saying that I realize that approach has an effect on this life, but negatively effecting my life and still living is better than not living at all. I hope that some day I can truly get through it all, somehow, someway, with a safe person that I can be confident will get me through the agony and pull me out to the other side. Until that day comes, it stays in side and seeps out every now and then.

So maybe I need to stop thinking of my inability to cry as something wrong, and think of it as something keeping me safe until I am able to face those deep emotions.  Now if only I could find a way to do that...


Susie

Putting Up Walls

I had some comments on my last post that I was going to reply to, but decided to write a new post instead. 

First, about comparing reunions.  

I was generalizing in my thoughts about the different things I read at FMF.  There are many who do not fall into the "worst case scenario" when it comes to reunion, but there are many who do.  I want any expectant mother considering adoption who may stumble onto my blog to know the possibilities of "what may be" if they allow adoption into their lives.  They are not giving up their motherhood for only 18 years, it may be forever.  Reunion isn't a sure thing.  Growing a loving relationship after reunion isn't a sure thing. 

Isn't that part of what is so hard in navigating through a reunion?  There is nothing to compare to.  There are also no "rules" to follow.  When there are no rules or nothing to compare your reunion to, there is no real way to go into reunion except with trial and error.  Hopefully the error isn't enough to completely de-rail the reunion.  What works for one person will horribly fail for another.  All we can hope for is that all parties are in it for the best, and are willing to get to know each other despite ourselves.

Now for the part that has really been bothering me.

Putting up walls.

Linda said... I love the "I took the baby I gave up for adoption out of the day" comment. Once I let go of the baby who was given up for adoption (me) it really helped me. I cannot change what my Mother went through, and I cannot change what was done to me. It's taken me 45 years to get to this point.

I don't remember who it was that gave me that advice.  To take the baby I gave up out of my reunion with Christopher.  It was the best advice I received, and was a tremendous help to me when I was first navigating through reunion.  It helped me be happy to get to know the young man who Christopher is, instead of only being sad about the baby who grew up without me.  It didn't always help, there were and still are times it is impossible to take the baby out of the equation.  I love Linda's words "I cannot change what my Mother went through, and I cannot change what was done to me" ~ substitute son for mother, and it's taken me 48 years to get to this point!

lolokey said... I wasn't sure, so I went back and checked. When you met your son for your first f2f he told you one of the conditions was that you couldn't cry! Maybe you put that wall up at his request, not yours? (which by the way is a very maternal thing to do!)

Yes, that was his one condition to meeting that October day last year.  He said I couldn't cry.  Which I didn't think was going to be a problem, as I have been unable to cry in front of anyone for years.  I had become an expert at putting up the walls and not letting out my emotions.  So having Christopher put that request out there only made it more necessary for me to put and keep that wall up.  It became necessary to me to completely take that baby out of the day, in order to make it through meeting the wonderful young man without tears for the baby I lost. 

The thing that really bothers me though is that I have become so good at burying the emotions.  I feel as though it's emotionally unhealthy for me, it makes me angry at myself, it just plain drives me crazy that I don't/can't cry over all of this.  Or is it?  Am I mental (quit nodding), or is it something else?

lolokey said...I struggle with putting walls up as well. Maybe the most important thing is that we allow ourselves to feel the emotions, not beat ourselves up about when we do (or don't) feel them. Maybe we can start to learn to see our walls as a place to lean on when we need support and not use them to protect ourselves.

Is my lack of crying because I buried the tears?  Or have I actually come to a place of.... acceptance?  Maybe I need to quit beating myself up for what I think is not feeling the emotions.  I do feel love, fear, worry, etc. for Christopher, for all the loved ones in my life.  Have I been leaning on my walls, not hiding behind them?  This all sounds so stupid when I go back and read these last words.  I so wish that I was able to get the swirling thoughts out of my head and into a sentence that makes sense when written!!  I guess what I need to do is take lolokey's advice and not beat myself up for not feeling the emotions.  Because maybe that's not what's going on after all. 

*sigh*

I wish there was a guide book for all of this...

Susie