These Words Are My Diary...

I've been discovered.  By my daughter.  I have told nobody in my real life about my writing here.  My daughter knew I was active on-line in the adoption world as I have spoken to her about some of it but I had never told her about this blog. 

In this blog I spill all the deep, dark secrets of how I came to be a mother of adoption loss.  I spill my guts here.  In real life I have never spilled it all to anyone.  Not even my husband ~ which is fairly easy because he doesn't ask about any of it, he avoids most adoption talk because he avoids the role that adoption plays in his own life.  I've only just begun in the last year or so to talk to my best friends about how deeply losing Christopher to adoption has effected my life.

My daughter told me that she had found my blog and that she had read it all.  At first I felt sick to know that she knew my deepest-darkest thoughts and feelings.  But her reaction to my writing was so positive, I soon felt relief that she had found my writings and realized that maybe my world wouldn't end if more people in my real life ever found me here. 

Last week I got a new comment on my post about deciding to go or not go to Chicago.  At first I was leery seeing the comment was from "anonymous" ~ usually it's negative replies left that way.  As I read the first words "Seriously Mom?"  I was thoroughly confused for a second.  Why would someone write a comment on here and call me mom?  Then it dawned on me that it was probably my daughter ~ and it was.  Her full comment had me laughing.

Seriously Mom? Go. Just go. What is the worst that might happen? You might cry or something? You might find yourself a little bit closer to healing? Terrible!!! Go. Go for yourself and for all those young mothers out there that don't have amazing supportive parents like I have. It will be good for you. Plus you can stay at Donna's for free and verify that her husband is a real life person and not a cat!

(To explain the last sentence ~ one of my best friends lives near Chicago, we had never met her husband over the years ~ making us jokingly wonder if he really existed)

 After getting used to the fact that my blog had been found, I've started considering telling some of my friends about it.  But I just couldn't get further than a fleeting thought of "maybe one day...".

How many people really spill their guts on their deepest-darkest feelings?  That's what I felt that my blog was ~ my diary where I spill it all.  The stories behind the loss of my son (and the feelings behind those stories) have been hidden in the dark for over 30 years.

I do tell people of my firstborn son lost to adoption now.  I think that most people in my day-to-day life know of him and his place in my life.

But the deeply personal stuff?  The stuff of diaries?  Written here, but not really spoken of...

I have been starting to let my adoption world mingle with my real-life on FaceBook.  I wasn't really prepared for the first time my blog might become a part of my real-life FB page, although I should have been I suppose...  I have to admit that I panicked, didn't approve the tag request linking to my blog.  I wrote a quick email to my daughter telling her what happened and that I wasn't sure how to feel/react/not react.  Here is her reply:

I do want to say, while you have come an amazing far way, maybe this is the universe pushing you to the next step in your journey. I know your feelings and opinions about adoption are personal to you and you keep them separate from your private life, but I hope that's a genuine choice and not one driven by fear. Fear of others with differing opinions disagreeing and therefore judging you, fear of letting people in real life know you (gasp) stand firm on a big issue. 

I started to reply to her that it wasn't my opinions on adoption that I was fearful of, it was fear of everyone reading my deeply personal feelings and thoughts.  In replying that, it dawned on me.  Was what I wrote really too terribly personal, too terribly private and deep?  Or was it that I just felt as though it was too deeply personal? Did it only seem to be so horribly "deep" because of the decades spent being silent on anything related to the loss of my son to adoption? 

So I spent the next couple of nights going back and reading my old posts.  Yes, some of my writing in the beginning was the personal details of how I came to be a mother of adoption loss.  But the majority of what I write here is far from personal.  It's mostly my thoughts and opinions on adoption that I am more than comfortable speaking out about now.

I spent so many years, three decades actually, hiding my truth from everyone in my life that speaking out at all about adoption felt so deeply personal.

In reality it isn't.

I'm still not too sure about letting people in my real life know about my blog. 

But the idea is a little less frightening now.

Although... a soundtrack plays in the back of my head ~
I'm hearing these words from one of my favorite songs:

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud"

"The Strings of Life"

I stumbled onto the writing of Dabeshim a couple of days ago.  One of his poems caught me from the very first stanza.  I again am amazed at how the words of someone adopted can be so meaningful to me as a mother of adoption loss.  Below is the poem, interspersed with my own rambling thoughts brought to mind as I read the words. 

There once was a day

The winds were cold, darkness creped as far

As the inside, It had its say

We did as others wished

Serving them on a golden dish.

We knew no other way.

Like marionettes we lived,

Upon the Strings of Life.

Giving no thought at all.

The Florence Crittenton building was a big, old brick building. Dark. Cold. Always. Not the temperature, it was the atmosphere in that building…

I did only as they wished. As society expected of me. I made sure to let them all know that I wasn’t “one of those girls”. I really was a good girl, not a crack-whore. I really did love my baby, I really only wanted the best for him ~ It wasn’t at all that I didn’t want to be a mom, it wasn’t that I wanted to have a life full of fun instead of responsibility. I proved that I really did love my baby, loved him even more than I loved myself. I served my son up to the adoption industry on a golden dish…

What a good marionette I was, right in line being the good birthmother without any further convincing necessary. I already knew that there was no way I would raise a child in the way I was living. I knew that the only way I would be able to raise my child would be to move out of the house, and that would have been impossible on my own. I gave no thought towards the future, only to finishing what I had started by becoming pregnant while unmarried and young. No thought was given to what it would actually be like to give birth to my child, much less live without him. No thought was given to the fact that I couldn’t really ensure that my child would have a better life. No thought was given to what an adoptees life was like, how their life was affected by adoption. I was just following along with what was expected of me, like a marionette I lived…

I returned to school that fall unable to really be myself. I was sure that any classmates who knew of my pregnancy thought of me as either the classic whore or as a heartless person who gave her child away. I never breathed a word of my son to anyone afterwards, losing the freedom to be myself. Always fearful that someone would find out the truth. In addition, without even realizing it, my heart was locked up tight in order to not fully feel the loss of my son. How heavy was the weight of that prison I imposed on myself…

For our own freedom, our own call.

Now after so many years

I awoke to see that the power to live is

In you and in me.

We could be

Light as the air

With the wind through your hair

Free to move, here and there.

There and here, everywhere.

Now that we are no longer tied to the loom.

We can go from room to room.

We are Free at last,

no more strings of life to hold us down,

making us like clowns

In the moment of reading the first emails telling me that my son was looking for me, I awoke. I awoke from 30 years of denial and felt the power, the freedom, of living in my truth. I felt as light as air ~ the weight of that self-imposed prison was lifted. Once I had the chance to bask in the joy and treasure this new life that now included my first born son, I wanted to share the news with everyone. Christopher himself told me that I could go stand on the sandhills of Nebraska and yell the news out to the world. I was no longer tied to the loom that was labeled birthmother. The loom of shame. Shame that wasn’t mine to take on, but that I willingly accepted from the judgment of our society. The loom of despair and grief from the loss of my son ~ loss that I wasn’t even allowed to speak of. Loss that nobody in society sees, much less understands to have any empathy for. (Except for the others who live with the loss of adoption that is)

In talking to the search angel who matched our profiles, I felt as though I had beaten the system. Even though deep down I knew it wasn't true, the remnants of former beliefs were still there. I had believed the social worker when she told me it would be against the law to ever look for my son. Taking on that lie, it tied me further to the loom of adoption loss. Now here I was, being told by an angel named Kim that my son had been searching for me for a while, was very excited and waiting to finally hear from me. Just as I had been tied to the loom of adoption, so had he. In the finding, we were both freed from the looms, we were free to go from the room of secrecy into the room of truth.

The past is the in the past

None of that matter anymore

Yesterday is out the door

Let’s make the most of now

Since time doesn’t last

We made our own many mistakes

Sacrificed the best of ourselves at the stake

Yet we are free now to move every which way

To say what we want to say

no more strings of life to tie us down

making us look just  like clowns

Yes ~ the past is in the past. I can’t get back those lost years with Christopher. I made my mistakes. Many mistakes were made in the years after I lost Christopher to adoption. My biggest wish is that I had been strong enough to live my truth, instead of hiding from it.  For I wasn't really hiding from it.  It was always there, just under the surface, just out of reach of my conscious being.  I not only sacrificed my son, I sacrificed my authentic self. Being silent after the loss of my son to adoption only allowed the myths to continue. Being silent gave the impression that losing my son to adoption was ok. Being silent kept the tremendous loss and grief hidden. Did another mother go on to choose adoption because she saw that my life did seem to go on as before after losing my son to adoption? I will never know. But I do feel that I fed the adoption industry with my silence. The strings tying me down are gone, I am free now to speak of my experience. I am free to speak of the child, now a grown man, forever lost to adoption. There are no self or society imposed strings keeping me silent now. I speak out of the truth of adoption loss on my life. I speak out not because it can change anything for us ~ but maybe I can change something for another mother, for the children of that mother. I speak out now to help another living with the loss of adoption to free themselves from their own loom, to no longer be a marionette of the adoption industry.

We are as light as the air

With the wind through your hair

We have no more cares

That will hold us and keep us,

From ourselves,

like marionettes up on the shelves.

Oh you must believe me!

Oh can you see me?

Can you hear this song I sing?

It brings me here to you!

The strings of life have all disappeared

The strife we lived, sheared and blown away

We are free now to move every which way

To say what we want to say

no more strings of life to tie us down

lifting us high above the ground

We are free now to just be. The strings of adoption no longer control us as though we are only marionettes. I am his mother, he is my son. I love Christopher no less than the children I raised. The strings of adoption could take away my legal rights, but could never take away my love for him.

Oh come with me

And Fly! You will see

The music is playing, the choir is saying

We are Light as the air

The wind through your hair

Free to move, here and there.

There and here, everywhere.

With no more ties

Gone are The Strings of Life.

………………………………

© 2012 Dabeshim

Thank you for sharing these beautiful, yet haunting, words Dabeshim. Thank you for allowing me to ramble on and write of how the words touched my heart.

"The Strings of Life" by Dabeshim at http://anunrequitedlife.wordpress.com/2012/02/22/the-strings-of-life/ 

Last Will and Testament of an Adopted Person

Watch this.  It's a powerful video.

Thanks Peach for posting this.  

Last Will and Testament of an Adopted Person

A Light Through The Darkness of Adoption Loss

Artwork from Ordinary Courage

I know I've been quiet lately.  I have been focusing on the good in my life, making brighter my "light from within".

I am so thankful for everyone and everything that has helped me find that light after being lost in the dark of adoption loss for so very, very long. 

The one who has made the biggest difference in my life at this stage is Christopher's mom.  I cannot put into words how much brighter my world became by meeting and being fully accepted by her. 

Lately in adopto-land there has been much written about adoptive parents keeping the natural mothers and families away from their children (infants to adults).  If they could only know, if only some would care, what a difference they could make in the loss and grief felt by those who lose loved-ones in adoption. 

A mother of adoption loss has no idea what life is actually going to be like without her child.  It should be expected that the moms are going to have a hard time, that she's going to be grieving.  That grief should not scare away the adoptive parents. 

I would hope that it would have them instead showing some compassion.  

I would hope that it would have the adoptive parents wanting to help ease the moms heart and mind.  Instead, I see so many cases where the adoptive family turns their back on the mother turning the blame back onto that mother.  They tell themselves and others that the mother wasn't "going on with her life" or some such crap.  They excuse away the true reasons they are uncomfortable in the face of the grief. 

By turning away from the mother (and father, siblings, extended family), they are only adding to the grief and loss.  Nothing will take away the grief, but many things will certainly add to it!  A letter, a note, some photos and/or videos, promised visits can go so far in helping a mother cope with the grief and loss of a child to adoption.  Keeping communication open will help her find acceptance and help her see that her child has loving parents who only want the best for the child.

One of my on-line friends has been shut out of her child's life.  The adoptive parents have pulled far away from the open adoption that was promised.  Leaving a mother, father, and sibling heart-broken.  Yes, the adoptive familiy would have to face the grief of this left-behind family ~ but in facing the grief they could relieve a lot of it too.  I just can't imagine being the kind of person who couldn't open my heart to help another out of their grief.  A small act by the adoptive family could have an enormous effect on the family left behind.  How can they deny that?  I will never understand. 

Not only is an adoptive family hurting the natural family left behind, they are hurting the very child they claim to love. 

The denial of adoptive parents does not take away the importance of or the need of those adopted to know their first chapter.  It only builds upon the loss and makes it even greater. 

If you have adopted or are planning on adopting and 

won't understand and honor the place of the 

natural family in your child's life ~ then please don't adopt. 

It's pretty simple really.  I don't understand what is so hard about it.  A child doesn't just appear out of nowhere.  A child is born to a mother, created by that mother and a father.  The story behind the conception and/or birth doesn't matter ~ the story doesn't change the simple fact that a child is born to two people and their families (past, present, and future). 

A child being given up for adoption and adopted by another family doesn't take away their first, biological, natural family ~ it only adds more family. 

If you have or are planning on adopting and you can't accept the fact that your child has another family, then you aren't offering your child unconditional love.  You are putting conditions on their very existence. 

As adoptive parents, you have the ability to make the choice for adoption either bearable or something that breaks a person.  

I am so very happy and thankful that Christopher got a mother and father who adopted out of love.  They never denied their daughter and son their beginnings.  They never denied my relationship with our son.  I was accepted into open arms and with a loving heart.  By openly accepting me as a part of their son's life, they have showed me love.  Love that allowed the light within me to grow stronger. 

The light of their love and acceptance of me shines brightly 

through the darkness of the loss of my son to adoption.  

I wish all mothers of adoption loss could know that love and acceptance. 

I wish that all adoptive parents would act out of love and not fear.  

For their own sake, for the natural families and for their adopted loved ones. 

I Need To Decide ~ Am I Going To Chicago?

Click here to learn more about the demonstration!

I really, REALLY want to go.  I have been excited about it ever since I learned that the demonstration was going to be in Chicago this year. 

Some of  the friends I have met in adopto-land have become a huge part of my life through the healing I have found with them.  I think it would be so amazing to meet them "in real life". 


What's holding me back?  I hate to admit that one of the big things is explaining to my hubby that I want to go on a road trip to meet a bunch of people I only know through cyber-space.  Another thing is that although I think this could be a huge healing step, I also have that fear of the "Fessler Effect" as Suz calls it.  Being in the midst of so many people who get it? Who get me because of the adoption loss?  *sigh*  That thought is as amazing as it is frightening for me. 

But.  I really, REALLY want to go!  I just need the final push to make that decision. 

So...

Who's going?

When are you arriving?

How long are you staying?

Adoption Loss & Grief. It's Forever.

I have been enjoying a wonderful few weeks adoption-wise.  Long enough to have me off guard, totally surprised by the slap back into the reality of living with adoption loss.

I suppose it probably started the other day when I first learned of that new show on TLC.  I didn't watch it, I could barely read about it on fb and in blog-land.

This morning as I was washing my hair, I had a sudden remembered snippet of a dream during the night.  A hug, that felt so real.  A hug that included a whisper in my ear "I love you"...  Three precious words I have yet to hear from the son I couldn't raise.

I feel that there was a lot more to the dream, but the hug and whisper are all I remember.

I can't wait till that dream comes true...

In the mean time, I find myself lost in thought and sadness today.

Even though.  Even though things are going well in my reunion.  Even though I am so blessed in my life in so many ways.

That's just the reality of living with the loss of a child to adoption.  No matter how long you have lived with the loss ~ it never goes away.  No matter if you are reunited or if your relationship with your lost son/daughter is going well.  The loss is there.  The grief is tremendous.  The hole in my heart is still there.  

I wish that the mothers considering adoption on that damned show could feel in their hearts what my heart feels 33 years later.  I wish that the mothers considering adoption on that damned show could feel in their hearts what some of my adopted friends feel in their hearts (even the ones who did get a great adoptive family!).  Why is it that only the joy of the adopters is taken into consideration in adoption?  Why isn't the life-long loss and grief acknowledged, much less understood? 

Danielle wrote a post a while ago about the life long grief that comes from losing a child to adoption.  It's a fabulous post, as usual, you should go read it in full if you can.  Here is just a part of what she says that rings so true for me today:

I will always live with this. It is a huge part of who I am.  It always will be. 

I will always be a “birthmother”. I cannot take back anything that happened to me almost a decade ago. A thought that both comforts me and renders me feeling so helpless that I wish I could crawl into bed and sleep forever. I cannot undo the pain that still sears through my heart. I will never be able to erase the memories or the feelings associated with those memories. I will always have moments where I feel the debilitating sense of grief that comes associated with adoption loss, and I will have moments where I feel like it’s going to be okay.

I will always carry this with me, until the day I die.

No matter how many words I eloquently splay onto this screen, no matter how many posts I publish to the internet, no matter how many times I see a therapist, or how many pills I am prescribed to take to help with the anxiety. It will always linger. It will always be color on the inner walls of my soul. Always....

...Because I know that this will be a part of me as long as I walk this earth, I’ve more readily accepted that I need to navigate through the muddier paths of this journey so I can use my voice to join the multiple others who have been traumatized, or isolated as a result of adoption. I need to speak so women, many women know that adoption isn’t always a miracle and that there are many hidden aspects, crucial ones that could impact your life in so many incredible ways, not always positive.  Because I know that this is who I am, I understand me a little more.

Adoption has been written, etched into my DNA. Maybe it wasn’t willingly, but it’s there. And it’s shaped a good part of the woman I am. I won’t change any of that, not because I don’t want to, but because I simply can’t undo it. What’s done is done; I am a birthmother.

I will always live with that.

I'm not the only one with this life-long effect of adoption on my mind.  Today Rebecca (an adoptee and adoptive mother) author of  "Love Is Not A Pie" also wrote about this subject.  She writes:

In pre-adoption counseling, mothers who are considering placing a child for adoption are sometimes told that they will "get over it" and move on. Not so surprisingly, many mothers who relinquish find that moving on is not a simple matter. The following posts are not easy to read, but they are an important part of the adoption story.

Those Hands
Grief Remains
Missing Him
Pretender
The Scars of Motherhood

If you didn't click on the above links to read the blog posts, you missed another great link.  The post "Those Hands" was inspired by this post by a natural mom "coming out of the adoption closet".  It is heart wrenching, it needs to be read by all. 

So if you are one of the people who enjoyed watching that show on TLC, if you are someone who promotes and advocates for adoption, please take the time to go read some of the links above.  At least acknowledge the deep loss that occurs in adoption. 


If a mother in your life is facing an unexpected pregnancy and considering adoption, please have her read this post.  Please make sure that she makes a fully informed decision for or against adoption.  Don't let her fall for the false beliefs that encompass adoption in our society.  Don't let her make a decision based on fear or lack of confidence in her ability to be a wonderful mother no matter if she is young, or single, or poor, or whatever. 


Adoption loss is forever.  Even if it's an open adoption, it's still the loss of motherhood.  Forever.  For the mother, for the infant, for the entire natural family. 


My heart aches for my son.  My heart aches to know my grandchildren.  My heart aches to know my son's wife, the mother of the grandchildren I also lost to adoption.  I don't wish this heart ache on anyone...

Happy Mother's Day!

For the first time since becoming a mother, I can say that I had a great Mother's Day!

Much has been going on in my life, much I want to share with all of you, yet I haven't been able to bring myself to write about it all.

The last visit we had from Christopher seems to have broken the silence.  I have realized that I am reading much more into that silence than what was really there.  As usual...

I was going to be over in Christopher's neck of the woods last weekend, but he was busy so we couldn't make a visit work. 

So.  I got brave.  Writing the message was easy.  Finding the courage to hit the "reply" button was hard ~ my finger hovered over the mouse for several minutes.  Christopher's mom lives just minutes away from where I was going to be.  She replied that it was going to be a busy weekend ~ but she would make it work as she wanted to meet me too! 

I was surprisingly not nervous as the day arrived.  I was just so excited to meet her.  She had an event to attend in the morning/lunchtime, so I went shopping in a quaint old-town area of the city while waiting for her phone call.  When she called to say she would be able to meet in 20 minutes, the nerves kicked in! 

We met at a TCBY at 2:15.  All nerves were gone the minute I saw her and she walked towards me with open arms.  Our hug seemed to last forever.  I felt as though I was channeling all the love that those arms had shown Christopher over the years ~ all the love that I was unable to show to him, but she was able to.  All the worries that I had while driving there were for nothing.  She was completely open, honest, and loving with me.  We talked for hours.  About Christopher of course, but also about both of our families growing up, our other children and grandchildren, so much more.  She gave me a beautiful gift and card for Mother's Day, with a loving note.  I had gotten her a necklace that symbolized the bond I have always felt with her ~ even while I didn't know her.  I always felt a bond with her, that we were brought together through the love of a child.  I think the necklace found me actually, it is a perfect symbol of that bond.  I got one for each of us, wore it that day and almost every day since.  I knew that we had been talking for a long time, we both seemed to try to wrap things up at the same time.  I was so surprised to see that it was 6:05 when I got into my car.  Almost four hours had passed!  Driving away from meeting her, I felt such complete peace, love, and happiness.

I texted Christopher afterwards and told him that his mom was wonderful.  We had a few texts back and forth, he was very relieved that it went so well. He said that he was more nervous than both of us had been! 


Just three days later was Christopher's birthday.  Due to the anticipation of meeting his mom the birthday blues hadn't kicked in as they have every year since he was born.  It was so wonderful to be able to talk to him on his birthday.  The birthday blues did kick in a bit that day, along with some decompressing from meeting his mom.  But overall it was a wonderful day, the feeling of peace was back the next day when I received a lovely thank you card and note from his mom. 

I don't know what I ever did to deserve all the blessings I have had in my life.  Getting to know Christopher's mom, her loving acceptance of me into their lives, is more than I ever thought possible. 

This is the first year since Christopher's birth that I have not fallen into a funk for the weeks before and after. 

This is the first Mother's Day since Christopher's birth that I have truly been happy to celebrate being a mother on this day.  I had a fabulous day that included playing in the sun and dirt (finally getting some flowers planted) with three of my granddaughters help, then dinner with all three of my (raised) kids, the grandkids and my mother and father-in-law.  My daughter even cleaned up the mess from dinner.  To top off the day, Christopher sent me a "happy mother's day" message ~ the first one since being reunited!  Once everyone was gone, I sat outside and just breathed it all in. 

I am one very thankful and lucky mom!