Finding My Voice ~ Taking Back My Power

For so long I kept silent.

 

As I thought I was expected to do in those days.

 

My motherhood, my first born son, was only spoken of a handful of times in the almost 30 years between  the time he was born till the day I read those first emails four years ago.  

 

I kept silent.

 

Out of doing what I thought was the right thing.  Out of fear.  Out of shame ~ shame of first becoming pregnant, then shame of giving my own child away. 

 

Not that I knew how to put into words what I had gone through anyways.  Nor did I have anyone care enough to ask me about it ~ while going through it all nor afterwards ~ so I had no reason to speak of any of it.  Oh, maybe they cared, but didn't know how or whether to bring it up.    

As is usually the case ~ when you close off one thing, you are actually closing off much more.  

Through fear of speaking about my motherhood or my child, I soon became afraid to speak my own opinions and thoughts on most things. 

I said what others wanted to hear.  What I thought I needed to say (and do) to prove that I really was a "good girl" despite the fact that I had gotten pregnant and given my child up.  I also lost my voice from fear of saying something "stupid" or wrong.  I can't blame that one on adoption though...

 

I hadn't even realized that I lost my voice until after reunion with Christopher.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  

All of the above has been sitting as a draft for quite a while...  Two things have happened in the last couple of days to bring me back to it.  

First ~ a couple of days ago in a private fb message the subject of what to call ones biological parents came up.  In my reply to that question, I wrote of why I don't want the title "birthmother" to be used for myself.  After I sent the reply, I felt bad that I had gone off on a rant to this person.  I apologized for it the next day, was told that it was ok & not a big deal but I still felt bad about it. 

 

Then today I read a blog post "on the power of our voices" by the wonderful artist kelly rae.

 

Reading her post brought me a few "a ha" moments.

 

* I wasn't ranting in that fb message.  I was simply speaking my opinion. 

 

* I didn't just lose my voice.  I gave it away.

 

* I didn't just give away my voice, I gave away my power.

I had spent so many years, decades, hiding my voice that what I felt was ranting was simply stating my stance on an issue.  And that's a good thing!

 

It was simply taking power over a piece of my life as a mother without her child.  

Speaking out in that message was nothing to be ashamed of, rather it was something that has been a long time coming.  Me taking back my voice.  Taking back power over my own life, my own story.  

In her post today, Kelly writes: 

Our voices are precious. Beautiful. Important. And they change the world.
May you be careful with yours. Be fierce around protecting it, nurturing it, and celebrating it, always.

 

 I will.  I will now stand stronger in my story, in my life, in the power of my voice.

 

 

 

 

 

If you haven't read Kelly's post yet, please take time to do that.  There was so much that I wanted to share here, so much that could have been written by/for me, it was almost her entire post!  So much of what she writes in this post is important for all of us who live with adoption loss.  We need each others voices, adoption reform needs our voices!!

  

Educate Yourself!

The Meaning of a Dream...

The "feeling" of that dream is still hanging on...

Where did that water come from?  It seems as though I was the only one able to see it, though the room was full of people.  Why was I so worried about getting it cleaned up before Christopher's mom saw the mess?  Why would she be able to see it if nobody else was able to?

Was it tears as Kelli and others commented? 

I do worry about Christopher's mom (as well as he himself) learning about how deeply losing him to adoption has hurt me.  Not that I feel that I have to keep that to myself, it's more that I don't want him/them to feel guilt over what adoption has cost me.  I especially don't want Christopher to ever take my pain onto himself and feel as though he is the one responsible for what adoption brought to my life.  So... it could be tears that the water symbolizes.  Although...

In the first few years of having Christopher back in my life, I had a deep fear that I would lose him again.  I obsessed over everything I wrote to him, scared to death that I might say something to scare him away forever.  However, 4+ years into this, I no longer worry about that.  If I haven't scared him away yet with some of the things I have said and done, I don't think it's possible!

Or was Rebecca onto something with it being water from child birth?

The feeling this dream has left me with is almost... primal?  That's the only word that comes to mind when trying to put a name to it.

I do think that it's my motherhood that is symbolized in the dream ~ the very fact that I gave birth to Christopher.  It's ok that I'm around, but not ok to have my full role (as a mother to Christopher) recognized or acknowledged.  In the dream I am being treated more as a "novelty" of sorts by the adults who do come over to visit with me.  Yes, a novelty...  You know, that legendary birthmother who did such a selfless, wonderful thing by letting my son be raised by another family.  On the other hand, the children all fully welcomed me, as children do in their innocence.  They didn't see my "title", they saw me the person, someone who adored children and enjoyed talking and laughing with them.  So maybe the water does represent amniotic fluid?

It breaks my heart that Christopher is in the dream by himself, not enjoying the family and friends in the room.  The "feeling" I have about this in the dream is that he feels stuck in the middle of two moms/two families.  It's as though he knows he's going to hurt one of us by showing love and/or affection towards the other.  I hate that.  How awful does that have to be for those who are adopted and feel that way? 

Ughhhh....  I wish I could get rid of this dream.  While it was just a pretty nice dream, a chance to "be" in the same room as the son I miss so horribly, it has become somewhat of a nightmare in my waking hours.  I have been in such a good place adoption-wise for a while now, this dream is really throwing me off.

Today especially.  As I was wondering why, I realize that it's almost exactly a month away from Christopher's birthday...

It's also been a year since I saw him last.

And I miss him...

Terribly...

Dreams...

I had a dream the other night that I can't get out of my mind.  Usually I can't even remember my dreams, so it's kinda bothering me that this one won't leave me alone.

I am sitting in the living room of Christopher's parents in the midst of a large family gathering.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, the whole works.  There are children of all ages running around, having fun.  Adults here and there visiting with each other.  Christopher's father is nowhere in sight, mom is in another room changing her clothes.  Don't know the reason for the clothes change but the "feeling" around it is that she is changing out of her church clothes into every-day clothes.  I'm sitting on a couch, surrounded by laughing and playing kids while holding a baby.  I think it's one of my grandbabies, but not really sure about that...  Christopher is sitting clear across the large room seemingly not paying any attention to me although I catch him stealing glances my way now and then.  He's not visiting with anyone, isn't social like everyone else there.  He's just sitting there in the chair.  Once in a while a family member and even Christopher's wife comes over to make small talk with me; although mostly it's the children keeping me company. 

As I'm enjoying the kids, all of a sudden water covers the floor from an unknown source.  I have the thought "oh no!  Not again!" and in my dream I'm realizing that I have had this same thing happen in previous dreams and I can't believe that it has happened again.  I am then in a panic to get the water cleaned up before Christopher's mom comes out of the bedroom to see the water all over.  I feel responsible for this, even though I had nothing to do with the water spilling from wherever it came from.  I'm almost in a panic at the thought of her discovering it there on the floor. 

The end.  I didn't wake up at this point, but I don't recall anything more.  Did my dream end there, or do I just not remember more?  No idea.  Why did I make it my responsibility to get the floor cleaned up before his mom came out of her room?  Why did nobody else seem to notice the water covering the floor?  Did I get the floor cleaned up?  Why won't the "feeling" of this dream leave me alone?

Weird. 

Six Words ~ Adoption Version

Harlow's Monkey has a great post today ~ her version of a 6-Word memoir about adoption experiences.

My six words? 

Even reunion can't heal the loss

Go leave yours and read the great (and maddening and heart-breaking) replies she has gotten  from all sides of adoption.

Four Years Ago Today...

Friday, January 16, 2009 

My life was forever changed.  

I was excited and looking forward to the weekend ahead which included one last Christmas celebration with my family as my brother and his family were finally able to travel back home.

I looked forward to the weekend not only for this last Christmas celebration, but also because it signified the beginning of a new journey in my life.  A vow I had made to myself.  As the holidays rolled around that year, I had come to realize just how much my living in denial had been effecting my life.  I decided that once the holidays were over I was going to begin to deal with the loss of my son to adoption and then try to search for him.

I was at work, counting down the last hour before I could leave and get a start on the weekend.  At 4:50 I called it quits as far as doing actual work and decided to check my hotmail account to see if I had anything other than junk mail there.  You see, I had opened that hotmail account strictly for getting my info "out there" on the www on a few adoption reunion websites.  When I had first created the email account, I checked it every day.  As the months and years drug along, I checked it less and less often.  On that fateful January day four years ago, it had probably been 6 or 7 months since I had checked it.  I FULLY expected to see nothing but junk mail there. 

Imagine my surprise when first I saw an email dated January 5th from someone who said "Please contact me, I have a son who is looking for his birth family and it matches your posting. Thanks, Kim ###-###-####.  He is very excited, please call."

The next email was dated January 9th and said "Your birth son is looking for you!!! I think we can start many ?'s with answers nearly 30 years later. Please feel free to email me directly at..."

I will never forget that feeling, the loss of breath, the beating of my heart, the fear, the elation, the caution I was putting on my heart immediately to not fully believe that I was the "right" mom found.  So much was going on in my heart, mind, and soul in that moment.  I'm surprised I was able to act normal and leave work without letting on what had just happened. 

As soon as I left, I took out my cell phone to call Kim who I assumed was my son's adoptive mother.  She answered with a cheerful "Hello" in a very strong southern accent.  My first thought was "Where in the world did they send him???".  After a confusing moment for both of us, she realized that I thought she was his mom ~ when in reality she was a search angel.  To add to the "meant to be" part of our reunion, Kim only helps with searches in the two states she has lived in as she knows the laws/resources there well.  When she saw one of the postings where Christopher was able to write a little about his search, she just got a strong feeling that she wanted "to help him find his momma" ~ even though his adoption had taken place in Iowa, where she had never searched before.  The first place she went to see if she could find me was the reunion registry at adoption. com and there I was.

The rest, as they say, is history! 

I am so very thankful that I can celebrate this day of having my son back in my life.  It's so hard to believe that we are entering into our 5th year together.  In some ways it seems like just a couple of years, in others it seems like much longer. 

Each year has seen mile-stones in our lives. 

2009 started with finding and getting to know each other through many, many emails, ending with a Christmas day phone call ~ the first time I ever heard his voice!

2010 we met face-to-face for the first time.

2011 Christopher arranged a surprise visit and my dream of having all my kids together came true.

2012 I was able to meet his mom and spent 4 wonderful hours hearing stories about Christopher's childhood and about his parents and extended family.  I truly enjoyed getting to know this wonderful woman! 

2013 ~ what do you have in store for us??  

I dream of meeting his children, his beautiful wife.  

I dream of seeing him in person again, it's been almost a year since 

I have looked into his beautiful eyes.  

I am blessed...  so very, very blessed to have my son back in my life.  

Pregnancy And/Or Adoption As A Punishment?

Another great post by Deanna Shrodes today.  If you haven't discovered Deanna yet, you need to go read some of her wonderful writings.  She blogs at Adoptee Restoration as well as at Lost Daughters.   In her own words, Deanna is an "Adult Adoptee. Compassionate. Helper. Pastor. Wife and Mother. Coffee Lover. Loudest Laugh in the Room. Friend You Haven't Met Yet".  I will highlight a few quotes from her latest post, but I do hope you will go visit her blog as well as Lost Daughters if you don't already read there either.  

Here is some of what Deanna wrote about unplanned pregnancies, from her viewpoint as an adoptee:

Our president, who is pro-choice, grieved me back in 2008. He made a statement about the importance of sex education, which I do agree is important.  As the speech went on he said, "I've got two daughters. 9 years old and 6 years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby."


As an adoptee, and as a human being in general, I felt like I was punched in the gut.

"Punished with a baby."

The words stung.

I hate those words. I hate them, hate them, hate them.

Was I a punishment?

I certainly felt like one at times.

 I've spent many hours in a counseling chair because I felt like someone's punishment. Finally one day I had to realize whether I was expected or relinquished, whatever my beginning or the circumstances that surrounded my birth, my life was ordained by God. 

I am no one's punishment.


"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3

Did you catch that?
 

Deanna goes on to write about the perception some people have that it is the unwed mothers who deserve punishment:

 She should have known better.
She made a mistake.
But now, she can make up for it, if she is willing to face the consequences.

She is encouraged that she can "make a new start" and "make all things work together for good", by giving the baby as a gift to a childless couple.

She is seen as atoning for her wrong (sex and pregnancy outside of wedlock) by giving the baby to a desperate and deserving couple.

What started out horribly wrong can now redeemed as she makes someone else's dreams come true and can move on with her own...after enduring the punishment. The anguish of saying goodbye to her child will be great...in fact almost unbearable. But she is reminded - sin is costly. All along the way she is encouraged  that although she really messed up, she can bring good out of a bad situation by giving the ultimate gift to another. 

Lastly, I would like to share her words to fellow Christians.  These words speak to those who use Christianity to sell adoption:

Brothers and sisters in Christ, I appeal to you that we don't have the ability to atone for our own sins. The Bible says none of us are without sin. The young lady who conceives a child out of wedlock is no different from you or I who gossip, hold bitterness or are gluttons. There is only one way to salvation. It is not through an adoption agency. It is not through relinquishing nor adopting.  We are only saved by grace, through faith.  Only the work that Christ did on the cross can forgive our shortcomings. The Bible says that God has not appointed us unto wrath (punishment) but to receive salvation. He covered all of our sins, mistakes and failures on the cross. We can't work hard enough or make enough good choices to make up for all our wrongs. How dare we boast that anyone can redeem themselves by choosing adoption! What a slap in the face to the accomplished work of Christ. There is only one person who can give us a truly new start.  We are new creations through Christ, not through the world's adoption system. In and of ourselves, we do not cause all things to work together for good. There is only One who came to make all things right -- His name is Jesus Christ. A new start comes through Him, not by giving up a baby. We are only free because of what He did, not by what we can do. It is an abomination to a Holy God to attribute atonement, salvation,and  redemption to a worldly form of adoption. Being "adopted in Christ" (as all believers are) has absolutely nothing to do with being adopted in a worldly sense. Pressuring  a young lady to give up her baby so that she or the situation can be "redeemed" is not only terrible theology, it is cruel and inhumane.
 

Thank you Deanna for being brave enough to speak out the words of your heart regarding adoption!

Oh ~ and by the way ~ if we are ever lucky enough to be in the same room together Deanna, I think I might have you beat on the loudest laugh in the room!