"The Other"

I watched the above video, posted at this blog today.  I started to write a comment, but it kinda turned into a blog post instead of a comment.  


I couldn't help but think of "The Other" in my case being an adoptive mother or a prospective adoptive mother.  I kept finding myself thinking that The Other would never come to see adoption from my point of view, as adoption to The Other is not about loss of a child.  To The Other, I am someone who wants to take away her ability to become a mother.


I am not anti-adoption, I am pro-family preservation.  "The Other" looks at me as someone who wants to keep children in families with parents who are unworthy of being parents.  Too young, not married, too poor, etc.  Often times The Other looks at adoption in these cases as "saving" the child from a life not-good-enough.


Family preservation and Pro-adoption.  Both sides are convinced that their view is the correct view.  Both sides see that they are looking at adoption as what is best for the child.  Will these two sides ever come together?  

Will the adoptee voice ever be taken into consideration?

Happy 2nd Reunion Anniversary Christopher!

Two years ago yesterday I found the emails from the search angel and one from Christopher saying they were looking for me.  Two years ago today I received my first real email from Christopher.  The one that answered the questions that haunted me almost daily for nearly 30 years; was he healthy? happy? did he get good parents?

To answer your long awaiting ?'s - Yes, I'm healthy aside for gaining weight when my wife was pregnant with our son 2 years ago and never losing it : )   My parents are rock stars (not literally but they are the greatest).  And yes I'm a very happy person. 

In those first few sentences, I learned that my prayers had come true, as well as the fact that I had a grandson too!

I mailed Christopher an Anniversary card.  I can't believe I found one that was appropriate, and it had room to write "Reunion" before "Anniversary".  It was so very hard to not get too gushy when writing in the card, but I have been really trying to hold back when writing to Christopher lately.  He's been very quiet for a few months now. 

I've tried to never tell any of Christopher's story here on my blog.  I hopefully will not say too much here now.  There has been a big change in his life, which I believe is part of why he is quiet.  In December Christopher wrote to tell me that part of why he had been quiet at that point was because he had been going to several doctor appointments and was diagnosed with a pretty serious heart disease.  He has since been evaluated at Mayo Clinic, got a very reassuring report that the condition shouldn't get any worse, that it should be well controlled with medication and only minor restrictions in physical activity.  His first emails after diagnosis were very down, he couldn't help but wonder if he was going to see his kids grow up and get married, become parents.  One of my replies to him told him that he wasn't going anywhere because I had many dreams for our future ~  dreams I had never told him of because I worried I would be imposing myself onto him. 

Now, he's quiet again.  I hope that once he has had time to adjust to this change in his life, he will be back again as before.  I hope I haven't scared him off by wanting more than he is willing to give. 

I hope the jars of homemade salsa I canned last summer and mailed to him today, with the Snoopy anniversary card, warms him up to me again!


So much has changed since those first days of reunion two years ago, I feel like a completely different person.  Yet.  So much has stayed the same.  I still sometimes feel like that scared, insecure 15 year old.  Afraid of losing her son all over again.  

Acceptance?

This notebook doodle really has me thinking. 

I define my life in 3 stages.

Before Christopher

After giving him up for adoption

After reunion

Was it meant to be?  Was he not meant to stay in my life?  I do not believe in "destiny", as far as my life being pre-destined.  I don't believe that I was born to give birth to a child I could not raise.  I don't believe that Christopher was conceived by me in order for N & F to become parents.  Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever done.  My life changed drastically at that point in my life.  

Then...

Saying hello again in reunion was the change that broke me down, making me more vulnerable than I ever thought possible.  There have been many times during these last (almost) two years that made me think this change was more than I could bear.  There were many times I wished I could go back into that lovely place called Denial.  In some ways being in denial was so much easier.  In reality though, this change has saved my life.  I finally had answers.  I knew my son was alive.  I saw the ways that the loss of my son, the denial of the grief from that loss, was effecting every aspect of my life.  In finally being vulnerable, by telling my story, I have found strength.  In being vulnerable, I have begun to finally live an authentic life.  

In the weeks after Thanksgiving, I had come to realize there is another change that is necessary for my well-being.  I needed to accept that my "fantasy" reunion is just that.  It is a fantasy.  The reality of our reunion is a happy one.  We have discovered that we have a lot in common.  We have answered many questions for each other.  Christopher came into this reunion only wanting info, yet he quickly said he wanted "more".  Even though he does not email frequently anymore, he will reply when I send him one.  We are Facebook friends.  This is so much more than I ever thought I would have.  

The change I have made is that instead of praying for Christopher to want "more", I have been praying for acceptance.  Acceptance for what is.  I have felt at peace with this for a couple of weeks now.  I cannot change the way Christopher feels (or doesn't feel) about me, but I can change the way I look at our reunion, our relationship.  

I still have hopes for our relationship to grow deeper in the future.  I still yearn to see photos of him as a child, photos of him growing up.  I still pray that some day I will get to meet his family, that I will have a chance to know my grandchildren.  I will always hope that some day Christopher will want "more"; in his own time, not mine.  I accept where we are at right now.  I rejoice in what we have right now.  

Acceptance of what I have versus what I dream of is a welcome change to my weary heart and soul.

The "change" that reunion brought into my life became too much for me to bear as it had been.  I believe that this latest change, acceptance, is the only thing that saved my sanity through the holidays and now into this new year.

As long as we are seeking something, 

be it a state of being or something material, 

we will always be seeking. 

When we stop and accept what ever it is we are seeking, 

we allow the experience of it.

What Will 2011 Bring?

2009 started with a huge bang ~ it was January 16th that I opened my hotmail account to find the emails from a search angel and one from Christopher.  I will never forget the moment I found out my son was still alive, as well as healthy and happy.  We began a wonderful cyber reunion, and for the first time since 1979 I was able to celebrate, instead of mourn his birthday.  Every holiday was wonderful also, without the worries about if/what Christopher was doing.  As the year came to a close, although still very happy with our reunion, I really didn't think I would get a chance to meet him in person for a long time, if ever.

2010 became surprisingly harder as far as reunion emotions.  This year as holidays and Christopher's birthday came around, it was still wonderful knowing he was alive and well, but it became much more painful that he was missing in my "real life" at every celebration.  Christopher was no longer an "abstract being".  He was a flesh and blood son, who was missing from my family.  2010 was another monumental year in my life though.  On October 9th, I was finally able to see Christopher in person.  To hug him, see him...  It takes my breath away just remembering those first moments.  

So, here's to 2011!  For two years in a row now, something I thought would never happen did.  Being reunited, and then meeting my son in person after 31 years.  I am full of hope for this coming year.  Will I meet Christopher's family ~ his children (my grandchildren!)? his wife? parents?  I would be happy to just have another opportunity to spend another hour with Christopher ~ I feel like I am jinxing myself to even dream of anything more.  

I hope that 2011 brings monumental 

things into your lives too!  

I hope that relationships grow, the lost are found,  

and those rejected are finally embraced.   

A Candle In The Dark...

I lit my candle tonight at 6:00.  As it burns, I am lifting up my prayers for all parents living without their children due to adoption.    I pray for all mothers tonight ~ those searching, in reunion, and those rejected by their children.  I also pray for the adoptees ~ whether searching or not, in reunion, and those rejected by members of their natural family.  I pray for a change of heart for those unable to embrace their lost loved ones.  

Most of all, I pray for Christopher and I, 

that we continue to grow our relationship. 

I wish all of you affected by adoption loss 

a Very Merry Christmas.  

The Words of My Heart, Written by Others...

What a crazy week!  Every year I tell myself I'm going to be more organized, not procrastinate.  Every year I fail in that.  One good thing about trying to get all my shopping/decorating/baking done in a week is that it has helped a little bit to keep me distracted. 

I have been keeping up with all my blogs, there have been some great posts.  It helps immensely knowing that I am not alone in feeling such loss and sadness from adoption, although it is sad to know that there are others out there who also feel this way. 

I'm really having a hard time getting my thoughts to slow down enough to write a sensible post, so I'm going to share from some of the posts that have touched me this week.

Jenni often speaks the words of my heart, 

I was happy to see that she had a new post this week.

...adoption grief is pretty much always that one final thing that threatens to topple everything else over into a total pile of disaster.  You know what I'm getting at... You've been there. There are all of life's little (or big) stresses and we go from here to there putting out fires and problem solving and just living life in the moment doing the best that we can with what we have.  Then BAM! A trigger. It may be an innocent comment, a malicious remark, being introduced to someone with the same name as the person you've lost, a photo, an article, a program on tv, a smell...  And it takes you back to the reality of the grief that you hide from everyone else, every day, in the most secret place of your heart.

I've learned that the loss of my first daughter is something that is so big, so painful, so out of this world unnatural to my "mother's heart" that if I stare at it square in the face, I am so overcome with debilitating grief that I'm down for the count. My house goes to pot, it saps my physical energy and I start to feel very sick and lethargic, I have weird, unexplainable pains, I am not as patient with my kids or my husband, and I withdraw from the good and healthy things in my life.  I cancel plans with good friends. I'm bad at returning emails or phone calls.  I miss regularly scheduled commitments like Bible study, homeschool co-op or choir practice.  I procrastinate with bill paying. :( I eat what is easier rather than what is healthier. In other words, it is VERY unhealthy for not only me, but everyone else who depends on me if I try to face the behemoth adoption, it's stereotypes, myths and misdeeds.  Do you know how utterly exhausting it is to be in an environment (the community of other Christians) where the most horrible way you have been wronged in your LIFE is something that everyone else sees as wonderful?

As always, Claud's recent post is a great one. 

I am going to join in the annual tradition she writes about. 

On Christmas Eve this year, each of these women will light a candle at 6:00 PM and burn it until midnight, thus having candles lit around the world on Christmas Eve Night. The candle will remember the members who are searching for their child and light the way for the possible reunion. For those who are reunited, it will burn to strengthen the tie that was forged between the biological members of the triad. And, for those who have been rejected by the fruit of their womb, it will offer hope for a change of heart and a better future.

Lorraine has some beautiful words regarding search and reunion.

Whether you are an adoptee or a first mother, open up your heart to the love that someone wants to give you. She or he will not be a "perfect" person, but he or she is the right person for you. And to those who have been rejected, I can only say that rejection is part of your Tao, your path, and you need to be brave and call upon that courage to move around, over, and beyond the rejection, and find empathy in your heart for the person you seek who cannot summon their own courage within.

There is no "right" time to do a search, or "right" time to make the call that completes a reunion, or mends a broken one and heals it. There is only time, and each day we have less of it. Each of us only have so much time, and none of us know how much that is, and it is hurrying by like a horseman in the night.

I have only shared parts of their posts, click on the links to read more of their wonderful words.

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

Please bring me pictures of Christopher growing up.  There are almost 30 years of photos I would give anything to see.  I have pics of him at 3 weeks old, when I was "allowed" one short visit with him, and then I have pics from the last couple of years that we have been reunited.  I would love to have a glimpse into the years in between.  This is my greatest Christmas wish. 

Unless of course, you can put a bug in Christopher's ear about visiting, to finally meet his siblings & nieces and nephews?  Oh, how I would love having his family here, being able to see ALL of my children and grandchildren together.  What a family dinner and celebration that would be!!

While you are at it, can you put a good word in for me with Christopher's parents?  Tell them that I really do not want to (nor is it possible for me to) take their place in his life.  Can you let them know that having another person in his life who loves him is a good thing, not a threatening thing?  Heck, they might even like me if they could get to know me. 

Can you also please spread the word that a child is not a "gift" to be given to someone else to raise.  God doesn't make mistakes.  God doesn't put a baby in the wrong womb, in order to be given to the "right" parents ~ a "gift from God". 

Santa, you are the king of giving gifts, a friend to all children.  Maybe you could consider becoming a spokesperson for family preservation and adoptee rights.  There are a lot of natural moms and adoptees trying to spread the word about the truth of adoption loss, but our voices are drowned out by the adoptive parents and the adoption industry.  You are loved by everyone, maybe they will listen to you. 

Merry Christmas Santa!
Susie