Hiding From Reality?

I'm no longer the ashamed 15 year old I once was.
     I'm no longer hiding from the reality of adoption in my life.

I'm not letting society destroy my reality.
     Society just doesn't believe in my reality.
          Society doesn't believe in the reality of adoption loss
          for the mothers or the children.

Often, those effected by adoption loss don't even realize the reality of the loss.  I didn't until after reunion.  Thankfully, I can say that I never encouraged adoption to anyone as I did not want to be a part of someone living with the pain I felt from the loss of my son.  The pain, even in deep denial, was more than I would wish on anybody.

Yesterday I ran across this blog post (which was deleted after receiving my comment to it).  

We have good friends who are currently clear across the country in the process of adopting a baby. Everything seemed like it was going fine, however, the birth mother has had medical problems, and the baby can't leave the hospital before the birth mother. In the meantime, the birth mother is insisting on caring for the baby by herself (without help from the nurses) and is insisting on nursing the baby.

Please pray that she would make the right decision for the baby, and please pray for our friends who are in limbo, hanging on.

Thank you so much!

St. Joseph, pray for us!

St. Collette, pray for us!

Imagine that!!  How dare a mother insist on nursing her own child!  How dare that mother be allowed to care for her baby without any help from the nurses!  And of course, to this blogger, the "right decision" that should be made is for adoption to still take place.  Yes, it is sad that the couple wanting to be parents are in limbo.  It is so much more sad, however, that they are praying for the separation of a mother and a child.  The separation of a child from their family of origin, their ancestry, etc. 

Today I went to see if my comment had been posted.  I was not surprised to see that it hadn't, but I was surprised to see that the post had been deleted entirely.  

There was a new post today, referencing the post and the comment that had been received from me.  Explaining why she believes in adoption being the right choice.  Because she is adopted.  She says that she believes God doesn't make mistakes.  I think she means that God meant her to be born to one family, and adopted by another.  Because, of course, her mother fits the "crack whore" stereotype.  

She also goes on to say how hard it must be to give your child up, that she doesn't know how a mother can choose to give her child up for adoption.  But it is still the right choice ~ for someone else to do.  She received a comment to the new post.  A woman saying her sister gave a child up for adoption ~ she doesn't think she could have done it ~ but what an amazing story it is for her sister and sister's child.  

And then at the end of the new post ~ she says she's still praying.  

So am I.  I'm praying as this blogger originally asked.  "That she (the sick mother, still in the hospital) would make the right decision for the baby".  I'm praying that the mother, if at all possible, and if abuse/neglect are not a part of her story, has the strength and support to raise her child.  I'm praying that she has a full recovery from whatever illness is giving her the blessing of being with her child for the first days of life outside the mother's womb.   I'm praying that this mother and child have a long, blessed life together as family and will never know that pain and loss that adoption is.

Holiday Blues

Last year was my first Thanksgiving and Christmas after reuniting with Christopher.  It made the holidays so much sweeter ~ KNOWING that my son was alive, healthy, and happy.  I have always loved the holidays, despite the fact that my firstborn son was missing from the family celebrations, but last year the holidays were true celebrations.

This year I found myself with underlying sadness as we celebrated Thanksgiving.  I thought it was partly because I hadn't heard from Christopher for a couple of weeks. 

The sadness still clings.  Yes, I am so happy and thankful that I now have Christopher in my life.  Yet...

I don't. 

I'm sad.  And mad.  That my firstborn child is not my child.  I am his mom, yet I am not.  Why is the knowing not enough?  Why does my heart want, need, more? 

I thought it would get easier.  It's getting harder.

I want to celebrate Christmas with my family.  ALL of my family.  This holiday season I am feeling the loss of Christopher so much more than I ever have.  He's no longer "the baby I had to give up".  He is an actual person.  Christopher.  A husband and a wonderful father.  An artist.  Who lives four and a half hours east of me.  Whose life is complete with his adoptive family.  

My life has not been complete since May 8th, 1979.  You would think I would be used to this by now.

Thank God that November is Over!

This month has been a tough one. 

I started out the month thinking I would post every day for the Adoption BeAwareness Month.  It was too draining to try to get the words out of my head every day. 

A month of inescapable stories about the wonders of adoption.  The stories that began to feel like stabs straight to the heart.  Adoption ~ the loving option.  Yeah.  Loving.  That's EXACTLY what has been brought into my life because of adoption.  Adoption brought anything but love into my life.  Loss of my son, grief, denial, self-doubt, self-hatred.  Those are just a few of the things adoption brought into my life.

I have come to hate November.  The fact that Thanksgiving is in the month makes it even worse.  Thanksgiving used to be one of my favorite holidays.  But thankful and adoption do not belong in the same sentence, much less month.  Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful for the blessings my son has had with his adoptive family, I am thankful we have been reunited.  But there is nothing thankful about the fact that adoption is a part of my life 

Happy Thanksgiving

I have so much to be thankful for again this year.  I have more blessings than I could ever list, but there are a few that I want to acknowledge here.

First and foremost, I am so thankful to have my firstborn son in my life.  Especially thankful that I finally got to meet Christopher in person this year.  This will be my second Thanksgiving KNOWING that he is alive and well, not just praying that he is.  Before reunion, I really did not believe that I would ever be reunited with him in any way.  I have to remind myself of that when I find myself wanting "more" of a relationship with Christopher.  I am so thankful that he did get great parents, that he has a wonderful extended family as well.  I am so thankful that he is healthy and happy. 

I am so thankful for all my children.  I am so thankful that my three raised children have accepted and welcomed Christopher as a part of our family.  It is so wonderful to see my kids as young adults and also to see two of them parenting their own children.  I am especially proud of my daughter, who had her first child at 16, becoming an amazing mother at such a young age.  I am thankful that all my children and grandchildren are healthy, happy, and enjoying life.

I am so thankful for my group of close friends.  Two of us have been friends since 2nd grade, the rest I met in high school.  There are 5 of us, and I would be lost without them.   I have many friends, but The Girls are a part of me.  I am so thankful for our special friendships that have grown for over 32 years.  My grade school friend and I have been friends for 40 years now!  They have been with me through thick and thin, they are completely supportive of my reunion, and they always include Christopher and his children as a part of my family. 

And last, but not least, I am so very thankful for all the "friends" I have met online in my quest for finding myself after reunion with Christopher.  I truly don't know where I would be right now if I had not found all of those who validated the confusing thoughts and feelings I was having.  I am pretty sure I would have stayed right in that closet, scared of my own feelings, thinking something was wrong with me. 

I wish each and every one of you a very blessed Thanksgiving.  I hope you enjoy a fabulous day full of family, friends, and too much good food!

I Just Don't Understand

So much for posting every day during this month.  For a week now I have been trying to write another post, but it keeps coming out too angry so I haven't posted any of them. 

I really just don't understand how the necessity of adoption reform is not obvious to everyone.  It all just seems like it should be so simple.  How hard can it be to understand that adoption begins with loss?  That the simple fact is that in order for somebody to adopt a baby, someone else has to lose a baby, and that baby loses his/her natural, God-given family.  In order for a family to grow through adoption, another has to lose.

How can anybody that has experienced a miscarriage or the death of an infant at birth, not understand the grief that a mother experiences when losing a child to adoption?  How can you knowingly put that kind of loss on someone else? 

How is it ok for one family to live with the sorrow of losing a child in order for another family to have a child to raise because they are unable to conceive?

Why is it that it's ok to spend tax-payer dollars on adoption tax credits, adoption industry funding, etc. ~ but it's not ok to spend tax-payer dollars keeping a family intact?  Why is it ok to give money to people that can afford adoption, but not ok to give money to people that can't afford to raise their child?  You are still spending the money, either way.  Except with adoption funding, you are paying to help tear families apart.

Why can't people see that for a mother to choose to give her child up for adoption, she has to see herself as "less than" first.  Less than the adoptive parents.  Less than good enough.  Less than able.  Less than.

Why can't people see that an adoption agency is a business?  That business is about supply and demand.  That if the demand is high, everything possible is done by a business to ensure the necessary supply.  Because isn't that why most people are in business?  To make money.  To hopefully see an increase in revenue every year?  To give their executives and employees an increase in pay every year?  That in order to keep the supply high enough, to keep their income revenues high enough, coercive practices are necessary in adoption? 


It should all be so simple. 


*This post is only about the loss for the natural mothers.  The loss is also felt by the fathers, grandparents, siblings, the entire natural family.  

**The greatest losses are incurred by the adopted themselves.  The adoptees are the ones who never have a voice.  Life changing decisions are made for them.  I started to post some of the losses faced by adoptees, but as I am not adopted, I don't feel that I am qualified to speak for them. 

This post is not really adoption related, it's more personal in nature. 

Again today, the daily email from The Brave Girls Club seems to be written to me.  From the very first sentence, "It's ok to cry sometimes, you know.  It's even ok to completely fall apart for a little while so that you can put yourself back together in the way you are supposed to be together...".  It even mentions having a hole in your heart where loved things used to be.  

I'm taking this daily email as a sign that I'm finally on the right path.  Finally taking the steps necessary to come to terms with everything before I lose one more day.

 

Because today I am reminded of how bad things can get 

when you try to bury something from your past. 

I found out today that a friend from high school finally reported something horrific that happened to her during our high school days.  Something that she had never told anybody until a few years ago when she confided in another friend of ours. 


I thought that keeping my pregnancy and the adoption of my son a secret was damaging.  What this friend has kept secret is so much worse.  

Sadly, she will be vilified by many.  I imagine very few people will place their anger where it belongs ~ on a man who had a wonderful reputation in our community.  A man who was a leader of many.  On the man that committed a grievous crime against innocent girls who were afraid to speak out. 


Instead they will blame my friend, who has fought drug addiction several times since graduation.  Drug addiction brought on because of what was done to her.  Addiction brought on because she kept a horrible secret.


I am so proud of my friend and another woman for coming forward, all these years later.  The bravery it would have taken for her to tell her story is unimaginable.  

I pray for her that telling her truth shall set her free.  And I pray that people will not judge unless they have walked a mile in her shoes. 

The Next Step In Finding Myself

This is from a post on a non-adoption related blog I follow.

This is a post that pushed me to take the next step in dealing with all my locked-up emotions.

This is a post that enabled me to finally call the therapist I found in July. 

I have been trying to find myself, the "me" that was before adoption entered my life.  I really don't think that girl exists anymore, but I hope at least a part of her does.

I know I need help, I need someone to help me open up things I have buried deep.  I need someone to help me cry again.  I need to get all of this sadness and grief out of my head and heart.

How sad that I need to go talk to a stranger to feel safe enough to open up.  Safe enough to "be", instead of stuffing everything inside. 

I'm scared to death, yet at the same time looking forward to continuing this journey towards living an authentic life.  I have overcome my fear of letting people know about Christopher, I was able to overcome the fear of what people might think of me because I was a teen-age mom who gave her son up for adoption.

Now I need to overcome my fear of myself.  The fear of my own emotions.  Or maybe my fear of even having emotions?  Again, I am not finding the words to express my thoughts, my fears. My fear that if I begin to open up to all the emotions I have buried for so long that I will lose myself.  I will lose myself in the huge, gaping hole in my heart.  The gaping hole left from the loss of my son to adoption.