The main reason I started writing in a blog is to get everything out of my head. A journal of sorts to help me find myself again. To find the real me who was buried under decades of denial, under the false beliefs I had of myself due to adoption loss.
Here I am, 90 published posts, more than two years later, and I'm still lost.
I have let go of many of the false beliefs I had of myself. I know that I wasn't a "bad girl" simply because of one bad decision. I know that I really was a mother, not just an egg donor and incubator for Christopher's "real parents". I know that I wasn't stupid for choosing adoption, I simply didn't know (most importantly didn't have) any options. I know that it wasn't luck that brought my husband into my life "even though" I was "one of those girls". Most importantly, I know I could have been a great mom to Christopher if I had only been given a chance.
I have come out of the closet of adoption since starting this blog. I speak out of my son and his adoption now. I proudly claim that I am a mother of 4, grandmother of 9. I'm no longer ashamed of the 15 year old girl I once was. People are probably sick of me talking out about adoption now. I will never go back into that damn closet again! It is too suffocating. The only winners in a mother of adoption loss being in the closet is the adoption industry. I won't ever be one of their pawns again!
I am no longer in denial. Although I sure as hell would love to go visit there now and then for a day or so.
|"Lost" by Shellie|
Will I ever truly and completely find myself? I really don't think that's possible. I lost a part of myself, a part of my heart and soul, when I lost my son to adoption. Once adoption loss enters your life, it is there forever. And ever. And ever...