Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Adoption Awareness - Adoption Loss is Forever

Why am I having such a hard time finding something to write about?  There is so much to be said about adoption that people aren't aware of.  I guess I'm just wondering if it's even worth it to speak out?  Is it worth digging into something that hurts so badly?  Do the people who need to listen and learn ever really listen and learn?  I wonder...

The main reason I started writing in a blog is to get everything out of my head.  A journal of sorts to help me find myself again.  To find the real me who was buried under decades of denial, under the false beliefs I had of myself due to adoption loss.  

Here I am, 90 published posts, more than two years later, and I'm still lost. 

I have let go of many of the false beliefs I had of myself.  I know that I wasn't a "bad girl" simply because of one bad decision.  I know that I really was a mother, not just an egg donor and incubator for Christopher's "real parents".  I know that I wasn't stupid for choosing adoption, I simply didn't know (most importantly didn't have) any options.    I know that it wasn't luck that brought my husband into my life "even though" I was "one of those girls".  Most importantly, I know I could have been a great mom to Christopher if I had only been given a chance.

I have come out of the closet of adoption since starting this blog.  I speak out of my son and his adoption now.  I proudly claim that I am a mother of 4, grandmother of 9.  I'm no longer ashamed of the 15 year old girl I once was.  People are probably sick of me talking out about adoption now.  I will never go back into that damn closet again!  It is too suffocating.  The only winners in a mother of adoption loss being in the closet is the adoption industry.  I won't ever be one of their pawns again!

I am no longer in denial.  Although I sure as hell would love to go visit there now and then for a day or so.  

"Lost" by Shellie
But I still feel lost.  I'm still a mother without her child.  Yes, I know where he is.  I know he's alive and happy.  (I wish I could say he's healthy.  If my prayers are answered, he will be healthy again, he will feel better than he has in years after recovering from surgery later this month.)  I have had the absolute joy of seeing him in person, holding him in my arms, looking into his eyes.  I am so very lucky in that ~ many moms I have come to know still don't know that joy.  But.  I'm still lost.  I don't know how my son feels about me.  I don't know if he even really wants me to still be in his life.  Does he think of me as a mom, mother in any way?  I can't just pick up the phone and call him like I do my other kids.  I can't just go visit him when I have a free weekend.  I can't even plan on being at the hospital when he's undergoing major surgery.  I'm still an outsider in his life, even though we are getting close to three years in reunion. An outsider in my own son's life ~ that hurt is still the same as it was the day I lost him to adoption. 

Will I ever truly and completely find myself?  I really don't think that's possible.  I lost a part of myself, a part of my heart and soul, when I lost my son to adoption.  Once adoption loss enters your life, it is there forever.  And ever.  And ever...



  1. I am still reading but then again I know how it is. I really hope that your reunion takes a turn for the better. Suddenly, things are really looking up for when it comes to feeling in a better place with my daughter.

  2. Adoption loss has defined me. I hope that others who place know that in advance. I had no idea.


  3. I'm impressed with how far you have come overall. This is a journey, a long, never ending journey. I think your prayers will be answered and Christopher will be healthy again. I've been thinking about this a lot the last week. Sometimes when there are major, pressing issues in our lives, we have to choose what we focus on. Maybe Christopher has had to choose focusing on his health and managing the feelings of his wife, children, friends and a parents, not to mention his own fears surrounding this. Maybe getting to know you better and managing his feelings about you and your feelings about him (and his health) are more than he can mangae right now. I know that sucks, but my hope for both of you is that he will get healthy again and can focus the energy he was using on his health, on you and your relationship. You've come this far, I know that you'll move further along in this journey.

  4. I have just come to know about your blog and journey. I am Shellie who created the "lost" piece you posted in this post. Your blog showed up on my stats and I am glad to have stumbled upon it. I have a really good friend who has adopted a child and I know things are very different in her case as it is a more open adoption. I wish you all the best for the future. Hopefully with time your relationship with your son will continue to grow. I plan to stop by again. :)

  5. I know the pain of loosing a child to adoption. Im scared he has been brainwashed by the strangers that adopted him when he was 6yrs old. All I know is the address. I write letters constantly and never get nothing back. It hurts as bad today as it did 10 years ago. I love him soo much and its never faded or gotten easier. Its the 1st thing on my mind when I wske and the last b4 I finally fall asleep, why did I have to screw up soo bad... I hate myself, I hate crystal mythe