Post Holidays Blues

Nothing like the holidays to throw some adoption loss blues into your life...

No matter that I've been living with this for almost 34 years now.  No matter that we have known each other for almost 4 years now.  No matter that I have come to a place of "acceptance" about the loss of my son to adoption.

Grief STILL finds a way in.

The thing is ~ you never know what is going to trigger the grief.  In my case, it's coming from a few things right now.  Christmas and New Years of course are tinged with loss.  Add to that my oldest raised son who has pulled himself and his kids away from our family while he focuses on some personal/marital issues.  While in my head I know I'm not losing them too ~ all my heart knows is fear of losing yet another son and the close relationship I have had with his children.  Last but not least are all the wonderful photos I have had the joy of seeing from Christopher's life over these holidays.  While it is so wonderful to be able to see them, it is also bittersweet to see him with a family that is not my own.  It's so hard to see his kids in a photo with all their cousins ~ and the cousins are not my other grandchildren...  It's so hard to see the beautiful son & daughter of my son who are yet are not my grandchildren.  It was all the beautiful photos that brought the grief out.  Seeing the wonderful man my son has become.  Who is yet isn't a part of my life.  Seeing his kids who only know me through the gifts I send.  *sigh*

At least now I realize where this grief is coming from.  I lived for three decades not realizing where the holiday blues were coming from.  Now I know that fighting it will only make it worse, so I'm acknowledging it, falling into it, allowing it to be, so that it can hopefully work it's way through and out of my life for a while again.

Adoption.  The gift that keeps on giving...

The 14th of December, 2012

My heart bleeds for everyone in Newtown, for the family and friends of all those murdered last Friday. I cannot begin to imagine the horror, the trauma...

With thoughts and prayers for all involved, of course my thoughts also turned to my own family. As did everyone, I'm sure. I would imagine that every one hugged their loved ones a bit longer than normal, there were many more statements of "I love you" than usual that night and in the days to follow.

Then the wondering began...

Were any of those murdered adopted? Were or will their natural families be contacted with the horrible news? Or will the mothers/fathers/extended natural family go on the rest of their lives with no idea that their child lost their life in the senseless murders?

Or maybe one of the adults murdered were natural mothers who had lost a child to adoption... Will their children be told that they are gone? Or will they search one day only to find out the horrible news years later?

What about the many natural mothers in the U.S. whose children are now 6 & 7 years old? How many have children that age and have no idea where their child is living? How many are now living with the question "Was my child one of them?".

My heart goes out not only to everyone affected by the massacre last Friday, but to every mother/father/family member out there who is wondering tonight if one of the victims could be their loved one.


A beautiful song. a wonderful tribute...

On the 14th of December ~
  the angels were crying
     as they carried them away...

Over At Adoption Lies...

I'm glad that I didn't attempt to write every day of this month of Adoption (Be)Awareness.  Too much going on in my life, it would have done me in this year.

I read an excellent post yesterday over at Adoption Lies Adoption Victims.  I'm going to put it on my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page, but thought it was too great to pass up linking here on a post too.

If Adoption Was Presented Like This....

Would it be a loving choice?  Would a expectant or new mother choose adoption or an adoptive parent?

I finally have some peace because the last two years have presented questions that I could not answer and it turned over in my mind over and over again. The crux of the questions had cruelty as their core values. How could my relinquished daughter's parents be so cruel?  How could they coerce a depressed mother, with a track record of lovingly parenting her children in to giving up her child?  How could they close an open adoption? How could they deny my daughter her right to know her family when she contacted us? How could they call and berate me and tell me how I was a worthless mother because they had my child? How could they do these things?

And finally the answer came to me a few days ago...

Take the time to go read the rest of this post if you haven't already.

Adoption ~ Is NOT Among The Blessings I Name

So many blessings, it would be impossible to list them all one by one.

While I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I find myself keeping busy tonight to stop my mind from wandering. I know I am avoiding bed in order to keep my brain busy so that I won't dwell on the fact that I didn't hear from Christopher today. I knew I wouldn't get a phone call, but why does the heart still hold out that possibility? I thought for sure I would get an email, or text, or even just a message on Facebook...

*Sigh*

 Today is not only Thanksgiving,  Christopher's heart surgery was one year ago today.  He is doing wonderful ~ is enjoying his second lease on life.

As I said, I have so many blessings.  But the heart continues to break, the loss of my son to adoption continues to tear me apart.  Despite reunion, despite the many blessings in my life.

How can anyone say that adoption is a blessing??

Young? Single? Pregnant? Considering Adoption?

I came to the decision for adoption on my own.  Granted, it was still expected so it wasn't much of a decision.  Only a few "rebel" girls were beginning to buck the expected and raise their babies.

I hated my home life.  There was no way I was going to make an innocent baby grow up in that.

How much of that was normal teenage angst, I wonder?  The hating my family and home life?

What if I hadn't become such an independent soul at such a young age?  What if I had still depended on my parents for help and advice?  What if I had asked them what they thought about adoption?  What if I had asked them what they thought about the possibility of me raising my baby?

Would they have told me they would help me?  

Would they have told me I would be a great mom?

 If only I had asked...

Another reason I was convinced adoption was my only option ~ I wanted my baby to know the love of a dad, as I didn't have that and craved it badly.  Tom was long gone, I had no idea where or how to find him (1979 ~ pre-internet era).  Little did I know that I was going to meet the man who would become my husband just 7 months after losing Christopher to adoption.  Ron would have been a wonderful father to Christopher...

If only I had known.

How might my life have been different if I had just been able to reach out and ask for help?

To ask for advice?  

To think outside of fear?  

To think beyond the first months, the first year? 

Are you a young pregnant mom?  

Are you a single pregnant mom?  

Are you considering adoption for your unborn child?

Are you scared to ask your family and/or friends for support?
(By support I mean beyond financial support.) 

Chances are there will be many who would be willing to help you, 

to cheer you on to be the best mom you can be.

Chances are that this pregnancy may just be the best thing to happen to you ~ unexpected joy!

Asking for help and advice is NOT being weak.

It's being strong.

It's being a great mom.

It's doing whatever is necessary to be the best mom you can be to your child!!

Was It "Meant To Be"?

They say things happen for a reason. 

Did my pregnancy at 15 years old happen for a reason?  

Was I meant to give birth to Christopher?  Was he a gift from God that I tossed away? 

As crappy as my parents were at parenting, 

they were/are fabulous as grandparents.  

Just short of three years after I had Christopher, I gave birth to our daughter.  Though we were engaged, I was still unmarried, still living at home.  It could still be pretty ugly at home, although I wasn't there often by then. 

My mom and dad loved Trishia with all of their hearts.  They watched her while I went to work, they watched her to let me have a night out a few times a month.  My dad would sit her on his lap and feed her, he would come home from work in the winter time and put his hat on Trishia's little head and they would both laugh.  My mom would sing to her.  Everyone in the house doted on her. 

Having a baby in the house brought laughter back 

to the house and made it a home. 

My relationship with my parents changed after I became a mom.  You know ~ a  real mom ~ a mom raising "kids of my own" as the adoption agency told me I would do after giving my firstborn up for adoption.  We got along, we showed love towards each other (even if those words were never spoken).  We became a real family. 

Was Christopher's birth a gift ~ 

meant to heal our family instead of tear it further apart?  

Friends I Haven't Met (Yet!)

Last week ended with getting my mail and finding a huge surprise ~ snail mail from someone I only know here on the www.  I think I smiled all day!  I'm so glad that I have gotten to know this wonderful woman, while at the same time I wish that the reason we have come to know each other didn't exist.  Friends like this are the silver lining to my adoption story.  I am so very happy that I found all the wonderful moms and adoptees who have helped me through getting to know myself again.  Many of them are over to the right on my blog list, some I have come to know through a couple of forums and facebook.  I truly don't know where I would be today if not for the support and encouragement from many of them!

The week also ended with someone who is more of an acquaintance than friend here on the www.   I have gotten to "know" him mostly through common friends on Facebook.  I doubt he even knows my name.  He is a late-discovery adoptee, only finding out he was adopted when he was 41; I believe about 5 years ago.  He is a staunch supporter of adoptee rights and last week due to his collection of names for the adoptee rights demonstration, another mother and son found each other.  I was so happy for the reunited family, but especially happy for Jeff.  I think he was overwhelmed by the response to his call for help in locating the mother whose name was on the necklace, as well as by the positive outcome in that reunion.  Although Jeff is a huge adoptee rights supporter, a supporter of helping find family members lost to adoption, he himself had only hit road blocks in his own search. 


Until two days ago.


Wednesday I was on FaceBook and noticed a lot of comments being made onto a Jeff's page.  When the comments kept being made, curiosity got the best of me and I clicked over to his page to see what was going on.  I quickly found myself with a huge smile and tears of happiness running down my cheeks.   Tears of happiness for a man I have never met, never "spoken" with.  Jeff received in the mail a package with his non-identifying information.  After waiting over 4 long years for it.  As I read through all the comments of joy and happiness from Jeff's many friends, I couldn't stop the flow of tears. 

I am so happy for Jeff, I hope that this new information leads him to even more long-awaited for answers. 

I am so blessed to have found the on-line world of adoption support.  So many of the people I have "met" here have made such a difference in my life.   Not only the two I have written about here, there are so many more. 

While some people may say that this on-line world is full of negative people ~ you know...  those bitter birthmoms and angry adoptees... 

I see the on-line world of adoptees and natural moms (even some natural dads and a grandma, some adoptive moms as well) as a loving family in and of itself.  People from all over the world, from all walks of life, all ages and colors coming together to support each other in their losses due to adoption.  While they may not always agree on things, at the heart of it all there is encouragement and support for others living life with adoption loss. 

While I wish that adoption loss had never entered my life, 

I am so very thankful for the friends I have come to know through that adoption loss.