When Will May 8th Be Over??

I have been trying to talk myself out of the funk I have been in since Christopher's birthday.  Which landed on Mother's Day.  Ughhh... I'm whining and I hate that.

I've been trying to stop obsessing thinking about Christopher and his silence.  I've been failing.  Miserably.  Not that I need any reminders, but this morning the first song I heard as I woke up was "Breathe (2 AM)" by Anna Nalick.  The last verse always makes me think of this blog, it is the reason I started writing.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Tonight Suz had another great post.  She put much of what I feel regarding Christopher's birthday into writing:

"It is a strange feeling, this straddling two worlds.  In World One I am a mother that is recognized and in World Two I am not.  I exist in both worlds and yet I feel incomplete in each one simultaneously.

...I reflected on that today as I thought about mothers like me often have the reverse problem, or perhaps the same problem, only slightly in reverse.  We are also wiped away, disappeared at the time of separation. We go on, in many cases, as we once were. We suppress the memory of our child and we go along with the great charade of society and pretend we are not a mother.  Then one day, upon reunion, whether it be our doing or forced upon us, some person tells us that person that we denied DOES exist and damn, they want to know that person....

...Other mothers like me, we embrace that existence, but really, we don’t know how to live that life, particularly when so many continue to deny it.  It is the stuff psychological disorders are made of. Multiple personalities. Dissociation.

Sure, my mother and my sister and my friends acknowledged me today, but did my daughter? No. Do her parents? No. Does society? No. So where do I go?

 
I guess I'm hoping that by getting  all of this out here, I can get rid of this nagging desire to write to Christopher.  To say more than I should.  Another catch-22 ~ so much I wish he could know, that I pray that he never finds out. 

I have avoided writing too much here on my blog because I'm still scared that Christopher may find it somehow.  I don't want him to know how much I hurt.  I don't want to scare him away.  It's not his fault, I don't want him taking my pain onto himself.  All of this pain and loss from one bad decision made when I was barely 15 years old.  Seems like an awful high price to pay...

Why can't society see the deep scars left by adoption?


Susie
P.S.

I think that his job has him only an hour away again this week.  So close...  So far away... 


It is the stuff psychological disorders are made of.

Family Preservation, Not Anti-Adoption

What Is Family Preservation?

Family Preservation began in the 1890s, and in the 1909 White House Conference on Children it was the top ranked issue.  The movement was started to help keep children at home with their families.  Before this, children were often taken out of homes if parents did not make enough income to support them.  Many of the leading authorities of this time period argued that extreme poverty was reason enough to break up a family.  Support for family preservation can be traced back to the Orphan Train movement. 
Family Preservation has been seeing resurgence in the last decades.  Just a couple of the more recent organizations to take on this issue are Origins-USA and The American Adoption Congress  Other signs of the growth of the Family Preservation movement are seen in the positions held by The United Nations, UNICEF, The UN CRC, the Hague Convention on International Adoption, and Save the Children - all of which call for family preservation first, then kinship care and stranger adoption as a last resort - with international adoption the very last resource after no domestic adoption can be found.

Does being for Family Preservation mean I am Anti-Adoption?

No.  I am not naive enough to believe that adoption will ever be unnecessary.  There are some women (and men) who truly have no desire to be parents.  Unfortunately, there are also parents who cannot overcome their addictions to alcohol and/or drugs, there are those who are with a violent partner and cannot break the hold their abusers have on them, or are themselves abusers.  Only in the cases of abuse or neglect, or the lack of desire to parent a child do I feel adoption should be necessary.  I believe that father's have just as much right to raise their child as the mother does.  If a mother chooses to not parent her child, the father still has every right to raise the child.
I don't like the term "anti-adoption", as it is used with such deep negativity.  "Anti-adoption" brings the attention to someone who is perceived as bitter or angry instead of being about the best interest of children and their families.  There are some who see "anti-adoption" as being the extreme viewpoint that supports each and every mother raising their child.  In reality, I don't think that even the most extreme "anti-adoption" advocates would support every mother keeping her child no matter the danger involved for the child.  

In Cases Where Adoption Must Exist ~ I Am Pro-Adoption Reform

I am against the billions of dollars per year profits that adoption agencies see.  Take a look at the top salaries in the adoption industry and tell me they are truly not-for-profit companies.  The adoption industry also spends millions of dollars every year researching how to best convince mothers to give their children up for adoption. 
I am against coerced adoptions.  It is impossible to list each and every way coercion exists ~ I consider adoption to be coerced if a mother is made to feel unworthy of being a parent when compared to an adoptive family.  It is coercive to tell a mother she is too young or too poor to raise her child.  Using the fact that the mother will be a single parent to feel "less than capable" of being a mother is also coercive.  I consider pre-birth matching to be coercive.  I consider the use of the label "birth mother" when referring to a pregnant woman who is considering adoption to be coercive.  I consider it coercive when a mother is not given any information regarding the life-long effects of adoption on her child, herself, her extended families, etc.  An un-informed choice is not a choice.  If there is no alternative given other than adoption, there is no choice.  There must be something else to choose in order to make a choice. 
I believe that we need to raise public awareness of the realities of the effects of adoption on all involved. 
I believe in the right to identifying information for all adopted persons and their birth and adoptive families through records access (adoption papers, original birth certificates).
I believe that all states need to legalize open adoption agreements.

I am not alone in my adoption reform ideas.  Here are just a few links for more information:

http://www.pear-now.org/
http://www.cubirthparents.org/personalhist.html  
http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/mission.php


Many states also have their own adoption reform groups.  Google "adoption reform" with the name of your state to find more information.

Mother's Day/Birthday Blues

As expected, May 8th was really tough this year.  It was not only Mother's Day, but it was also Christopher's 32nd birthday.  The two hardest days of the year for me, rolled into one!

As much as I try to not get my hopes up, my heart can't help but daydream about a phone call that begins with  "Happy Mother's Day Mom!" from my firstborn.  And of course that dream phone call would end with "Bye Mom ~ Love ya".

So.  When the day came and went with no acknowledgement of Mother's Day at all from him, and my phone call to tell him Happy Birthday unanswered...  Well, let's just say it wasn't a good night once my raised kids and their kids went home and I was left with my thoughts returning to Christopher again.

(I did have a wonderful evening with my raised kids and their kids.  My daughter made a beautiful handmade gift that represented ALL of my kids.  It is a sculptured tree with birthstone crystals representing all of the kids and grandkids.  It's shiny and it sparkles in the sunshine ~ photos don't do it justice or I would post one.  Maybe I can talk my talented daughter into getting a great photo of it for me...)

The rest of the night was spent in a pity-party and a half bottle of tequila's worth of margaritas.  I prayed to be able to go back into the adoption closet, take a trip back up that wonderful river of Denial.  To go to that place where I again was not "really" a mother to Christopher, did not feel the intense pain of the loss of him.  I thought that if he didn't want me in his life, I should just accept that and step back and out of reunion.  Yesterday was a doozy of a May 8th hangover (more emotional than alcohol induced) ~ to say I was a bit crabby would be putting it mildly.  

Last night I was reading some of the last emails I received from Christopher.  I hadn't realized that the last one he sent was before his last visit on April 21st.  It was just six weeks ago that he had met his siblings, nieces and nephews for the first time, two weeks since he came back for a second visit.  

I wish that I could call him and ask him how he's doing.  I wish we could just sit down together and honestly talk about everything.  I hate to speculate on what he may be thinking about all of this, but it has got to be so very difficult. I try to imagine what he could be going through, what parts of this reunion would be hardest for him.  I think one of the things would be the difference between his two families.

Our family gets together often, not just for holidays and birthdays.  It's not unusual for me to get home from work and find a grandkid or two at the house just hanging out, or for me to get a phone call from my daughter or son saying that their family is coming over for dinner just because.  It is usually noisy and chaotic when we are together, from laughter, talking, kids playing, my youngest son antagonizing his nieces and nephew.  We just love being together, and don't need a reason to get together.

I don't think his adoptive family gets together very often, unless it's for a holiday or other special occasion, or if it's been a while since his parents have seen the grandkids.

After realizing all of this last night, I began to (thankfully) get out of my pity-party mood.  I looked at how far our reunion has come in the last year.  Just one year ago I hadn't even met Christopher in person yet, nor did he have any desire to.  Just short of seven weeks ago he hadn't met his siblings and their families yet.  I am so very lucky that my dream of having ALL of my children together in one room has come true ~ twice! 

As I went to bed last night ~ counting my blessings instead of focusing on what I thought I didn't have ~ I had a great nights sleep.

Today I received my "Daily Truth" email and it was again so very appropriate.























Our relationship IS growing ~ slowly but surely.  It may be growing slower than I want it to ~ but it is happening.

There IS so much fabulousness wrapped up inside of every stop of this difficult, long journey of reunion.   I have learned so much about myself.  I have "met" some wonderful people in my quest to heal from the loss of my son.  Through an online forum for mothers, I have been a part of keeping a mother and her child together so that they won't ever know the pain of adoption loss.  Through that same forum I have been a voice of truth regarding adoption loss for other mothers as well as prospective and adoptive mothers.  I have come to "know" some amazing adoptees and other mothers through their blogs.  If not for everything I have learned from my online friends, I can't imagine where I would be on this journey of adoption loss and reunion.  I am so very thankful for all of them.

I am thankful for this Daily Truth ~ pushing me even further out of my May 8th funk! 

I wish it wasn't so easy to get lost in the pain and grief of adoption loss.  Will that hole in my heart ever really be filled?  I dont' think so...

Birthmother's Day... Is Nothing to Celebrate

Today I will not be celebrating "Birthmother's Day".  I have never celebrated the fact that I am a birthmother.  (I also don't care for that title, but that's an entire post in itself.)

I have been working on this post for days.  I have written and re-written and erased more paragraphs than I can remember. 

Instead I'm just going to link to others who have written what I want to say, but can't find the words.

Cassie again speaks the words of my heart and soul when it comes to adoption loss.  If you haven't already read her post "Here We Go Again", you should go read it.  Be sure to read the comments too, they are as important as the post.  They are proof of the deep seated lies in societies beliefs about adoption.  They are proof that the adoption industry has been successful in their multi-million dollar research on how to turn a tragedy (a mother and child, a family, being separated) into something that is viewed as a "loving" action.

Lorraine has two posts about this.  The comments on the first post lead to the second post. 

Amanda writes about Birthmother's Day from an adoptees perspective.

My favorite post declares "Screw Birthmother's Day!".  And Claud is doing that in high style ~ with all three of her children being together for the day. 

I should leave this post on the high note of Claud's post.  However, this last link shows the true pain of adoption loss and the belief by many that because a mother has given a child up for adoption she is no longer a mother.  The adoption industry and this so-called day of celebration kills the heart and soul of many mothers.  Those who believe that it takes more than biology to make a mother are responsible for this young woman's heartache.  My heart breaks for Candace.  I pray that she will one day be able to say that even though she is not parenting her beloved son, she is still one of his mothers.  She is his first mother.  Without her, he would not be. 

To everyone living without a child because of adoption ~

You are a part of your child

Your child is a part of you

Your child is OF you

Happy Mother's Day

Heartbreaking Rejection In Reunion

There have been some heartbreaking posts lately on some of the adoption related blogs that I follow.

A daughter rejected ~ with a half-piece of paper torn from a legal pad.

A daughter pondering how long the relationship with her father will be kept a secret.  Wondering if her mother ~ his wife ~ will ever accept her or tell her full siblings about her.

Another daughter wondering if pursuing a relationship with her father will jeopardize her relationship with her mother, while worrying about how and when to tell her adoptive parents that she is in contact with her natural parents.

A mother who has been fully rejected by her daughter ~ the mother was told to not call, write, communicate in any way.


I am so very, very, blessed to have a successful reunion with my firstborn son.  I am so very blessed that my son did indeed get the wonderful family and childhood I dreamed of for him. I am so very glad that Christopher went from only wanting medical and family history in the beginning to wanting to know me and his siblings. 

Even though our adoption journeys would probably be described as being great ones, it does not make up for the deep loss and grief that I have lived with for almost 32 years now.  I cannot imagine how much harder healing from the adoption loss would be, if my son had rejected me in reunion. My heart stops at the thought of it.

It absolutely breaks my heart when I read stories from the mothers, fathers, and adoptees who are rejected in reunion. 


I completely understand why some mothers are unable to fully embrace reunion.  At the same time ~ I will never understand how a mother could reject her child... for the second, or third, or final time. 

As hard as it was to do the work necessary to come out of the adoption closet, to come out of the fog, it would have been so much harder to lose precious contact with my son again.  I have loved my son since before he was born.  Denial kept me from knowing the full depth of the love I had for Christopher.  Reunion opened my heart, and I have only grown to love him more over these last couple of years.  I truly love him no less than the children I raised.  I am so blessed that I was able to open my heart, instead of closing it like some mothers have.  My heart breaks for those mothers and for their children.

When I read the words of adoptees rejected, I cannot help but feel I myself am to blame for a part of their grief.  (I just cannot get my thoughts on this into coherant written words ~ so frustrating.)  I don't mean responsible for one certain adoptee's personal grief, but in the general grief felt by any adoptee.    My part ~ in believing the sunshine and rainbows myths, in believing the "blank slate" theory,  in choosing adoption for my own firstborn son, and then by staying silent for decades about the truth of the depth of adoption loss, I feel that I was a part of the "adoption is wonderful" culture.  It is that culture that refuses to acknowledge the loss that adoption is built on.  It is that culture that keeps parents and children separated and unable to reunite. 

A mother unable to see that society was wrong for putting labels on her when she was young and pregnant.  A mother unable to face her past because of the stigma that society put on her.  A mother unable to tell her raised children, or husband, or parents, about the child she gave up because of the deep-seated shame she took onto herself as an unwed mother. Sadly, these stigmas are still put on unmarried mothers, on mother's deemed to be too young, or too poor.

The ones given up for adoption who are unable to embrace their natural family in reunion ~ out of anger, or fear, or loyalty...

As I was typing these last words, wondering where I am going with this rambling post.  Wondering why I have been thinking so often lately about those suffering in rejection, a song I haven't heard for a long time came on.  It speaks to the grief felt by those whose love is not returned...

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't

I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

 My heart goes out to all who have been rejected in reunion.  I pray that one day the closed hearts of those you love are able to be opened.   As this song so beautifully says, we can't make anyone love us.  All we can do is learn to love ourselves, and be true to our own hearts.  Even if that means loving someone who can't/won't love or show love in return.

Susie

Stop Shorstein Network

I post today to help spread the word about a class-action lawsuit against Shorstein Advocacy Group for using coercion and fraud when soliciting expectant mothers.

From Pound Pup Legacy:

Shorstein, a lawyer in Florida known as the "adoption kingpin" is now being sued in Florida courts for using coercion and fraud when soliciting first parents.

He has been known to make promises of open adoption to first parents, and the adoptions quickly close within 3 years-5 years. The significance of this time frame, is that in most cases, it is five years that a person is able to file a lawsuit within the limit of statues time frame. In other words, contact is discontinued at a the pivotal time that first parents have to reinforce their rights.

And sometimes there is a miracle. Now, all mothers and fathers who have been coerced by Michael Shorstein or who have gone through First Coast Adoption Professionals and had Kathleen Stevens as the counselor can now seek relief. All people, regardless of when the adoption happened can now stand up for their rights and join a class action lawsuit against Shorstein and the agency.

Please pass this message along to any person who may have been affected by these people. We want all people who have been made promises to be able to stand up and join this lawsuit. For parents who are new, and whose open adoption is still open, this is your chance to make sure it does not close.

 From Stop Shorstein Advocacy Group:

Stop Shorstein Network

Families united against Shorstein to bring their children home

The Stop Shorstein Network Is Looking For Families Who Lost Their Children To Fraudulent Adoption Practices In Florida!

The Stop Shorstein Network needs to contact families who have been coerced into signing away their rights to their child(ren) by Shorstein. Hundreds of families have been victimized. Please join with us. Together we can create change.

•  Were promises made to you that were false and damaging?
• Did you sign legal documents under false pretenses?
• Were you manipulated, coerced, or tricked?
• Have they made excuse after excuse for failing to follow through with their promises?
• Have you been denied the relationship with your children that you were promised?
• Have you and your children been harmed and damaged?

You aren't alone in your pain. Please connect with us today.

email: reunite@stopshorstein.info