One Of These Days (I'm Gonna Love Me)

I often dream about songs.  I will wake up and have a tune in my head ~ sometimes I know what the song is, sometimes I only hear the tune.  There have been many times that I dream of the same song over and over.  Often I find that it's a subconscious nudge to me that there is something I need to pay attention to. 

In the spring of 1998 I woke up many mornings with the same tune in my head before I realized what song it was from.  I still remember the first time I heard this song and actually listened to the words to see why it was haunting my dreams.  I still remember being breathless as I listened to the last verse of the song:

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
And then I'm gonna smile a little
And maybe even laugh a little
But one of these days...
I'm gonna love me

I cried as I prayed that God would please let me know that joy one day.  Oh how I needed that sweet release, to rise above myself.  I was tired of being someone I didn't like.  Tired of being someone who felt as though she didn't deserve to have anyone's love.  Because I had been stupid enough to have sex with someone I didn't even really know very well.  I hated myself because I gave my own child away.  I hated myself for what I thought was being weak ~ because I hadn't done what "they" said I would do ~ get on with my life.  They said that one day I would have children "of my own" as though that would make the memory of my firstborn unnecessary.  I felt that every time I would think of Christopher I was "purposely" thinking of him, just to feel sorry for myself.  I thought that was... pathetic.  To use an innocent baby/child to feel sad.  On purpose.  I couldn't figure out why the hell I would do that.  I had plenty of other things going on in my life to be sad about, why was I dredging up the baby I couldn't raise to be sad?? 

I know, I know...  my beliefs back then didn't make any sense. 

This song is what first woke me up to how absurd my thought processes were.   I listened to it over and over, several times a day for a long time.  It helped me to start the process of learning to forgive myself.  I realized that I was putting things on myself that I didn't deserve.  I think the day I heard these lyrics was the day that I began my journey out of the fog of adoption loss.  I wasn't "purposely" thinking of Christopher just to feel sad.  I was feeling sad because of the loss of him. 

I heard this song for the first time in a long time today.  I found myself right back at the moment I first heard it.  It also made me remember that I have been waking up to a new tune lately.  A tune that's only a few notes, no idea what song it's from yet.  I wonder what revelations this next song may have?

Susie

Building My Wings

Falling.  Flying.  I find myself thinking about both as I continue my journey of "finding myself" these days. I found this painting and it occured to me that maybe this is what I am doing.  Building my wings.  The first time I remember feeling as though I could fly was when I started to authentically live this life of being a mom of adoption loss ~ I found reality in "The Truth Shall Set You Free".  As often happens, something unexpected came along to knock me down into the pits of adoption loss despair again. There have been many ups and downs in this journey of finding myself after reunion with my son.  Instead of looking at that as all bad, perhaps I need to look at the falling as a time I am "building my wings", strengthening them to help me fly farther up next time.  Maybe it's in the falling that we find the strength to fly.

Thanks to Suz leaving a link in her reply on my last post, I was able to read again her post about falling.  I again found myself being drawn into Suz's experience of falling...

In my head, I started to fall.
I felt myself falling into a deep, dark, tarry abyss.... And then, inside my head, I started to fall into that dark place.
I had lost my grip on the reality I had created for myself.
I knew I wasn’t coming back from that place.
I knew the world as I knew it was gone.
More images..my husband, my son, my friends, my job…
petty objects I would never see again.
Sounds I would never hear.
Flying faster and faster at me and then through me.Falling.
Fast. Incredibly fast.

I fear ever getting even remotely close to facing this!  But then, as I go on to read the rest of Suz's post, especially these words:

And yet I must admit that as much as that place terrifies me, it also intrigues me. I cannot help but wonder WHAT might be at the bottom, or perhaps on the other side.

If “the only way out is through” might I actually be able to “let go” in the sense of letting go of these pains, expecations and more. Might there be a better, brighter, happier life for me on the other side of that dark hole?

If I went in through the out door would I come out through the in door?

I cannot deny that even as I fear it, I also desire it.  I want to face my grief and loss in order to move past it.  I don't want to be held prisoner by my buried emotions forever.

 Now if only I could find a way to finally do that...

Susie
Thank you to The Artsy Girl Studio for permission to use her beautiful painting "She Built Her Wings".  Artsy Girl has many other prints that I have fallen in love with, including "Be Brave" which has also given me an idea for a future blog post. 

Pit of Despair

The comment left by Suz on my last post has reminded me of something.  Suz said about the emotions of losing her child to adoption:

I am TERRIFIED of their power. I am afraid if I really let them out, really cried, the weak hold I have on reality would be gone for ever.

Last year as I was trying to work through yet another layer of adoption loss, I was finding myself terrified of the deep grief I was beginning to acknowledge.  It was so deep, so...  all-consuming.  I was at a loss of how to even describe it.  One day I was reading a post over at Suz's blog "Writing My Wrongs",  where she described being at an adoption-related conference and finding herself being swept down into a pit of despair, and thankfully someone behind her noticed her distress and put their hand on her shoulder, helping pull her back to reality.  (I tried to go find that post, but kept finding myself lost in reading other old posts of hers and losing track of time so I gave up.  If somehow you don't know Suz's blog, you need to check it out!) 

I so clearly remember reading her words about the fear of that pit of despair, and it was as though I was reading an exact description of the fear I hadn't been able to put words to. That fear of falling into the depths of my grief became very overwhelming last fall, it was with me constantly.  (Brought on I'm sure by the beautiful October day that I finally got to meet Christopher in person.) 

I don't know what the point to this post is, I guess I just found myself lost in the remembering about the deep fear of losing myself to the grief.  It's still there ~ the fear of falling into that pit.  Somehow I was able to bury it again, to not be overwhelmed with it.  I wish I could find somebody who could help me safely face an express the grief.  I feel as Suz speaks of in her comment:

Its a safety mechanism for me. A protection of my mind and soul and life I live today. In saying that I realize that approach has an effect on this life, but negatively effecting my life and still living is better than not living at all. I hope that some day I can truly get through it all, somehow, someway, with a safe person that I can be confident will get me through the agony and pull me out to the other side. Until that day comes, it stays in side and seeps out every now and then.

So maybe I need to stop thinking of my inability to cry as something wrong, and think of it as something keeping me safe until I am able to face those deep emotions.  Now if only I could find a way to do that...


Susie

Putting Up Walls

I had some comments on my last post that I was going to reply to, but decided to write a new post instead. 

First, about comparing reunions.  

I was generalizing in my thoughts about the different things I read at FMF.  There are many who do not fall into the "worst case scenario" when it comes to reunion, but there are many who do.  I want any expectant mother considering adoption who may stumble onto my blog to know the possibilities of "what may be" if they allow adoption into their lives.  They are not giving up their motherhood for only 18 years, it may be forever.  Reunion isn't a sure thing.  Growing a loving relationship after reunion isn't a sure thing. 

Isn't that part of what is so hard in navigating through a reunion?  There is nothing to compare to.  There are also no "rules" to follow.  When there are no rules or nothing to compare your reunion to, there is no real way to go into reunion except with trial and error.  Hopefully the error isn't enough to completely de-rail the reunion.  What works for one person will horribly fail for another.  All we can hope for is that all parties are in it for the best, and are willing to get to know each other despite ourselves.

Now for the part that has really been bothering me.

Putting up walls.

Linda said... I love the "I took the baby I gave up for adoption out of the day" comment. Once I let go of the baby who was given up for adoption (me) it really helped me. I cannot change what my Mother went through, and I cannot change what was done to me. It's taken me 45 years to get to this point.

I don't remember who it was that gave me that advice.  To take the baby I gave up out of my reunion with Christopher.  It was the best advice I received, and was a tremendous help to me when I was first navigating through reunion.  It helped me be happy to get to know the young man who Christopher is, instead of only being sad about the baby who grew up without me.  It didn't always help, there were and still are times it is impossible to take the baby out of the equation.  I love Linda's words "I cannot change what my Mother went through, and I cannot change what was done to me" ~ substitute son for mother, and it's taken me 48 years to get to this point!

lolokey said... I wasn't sure, so I went back and checked. When you met your son for your first f2f he told you one of the conditions was that you couldn't cry! Maybe you put that wall up at his request, not yours? (which by the way is a very maternal thing to do!)

Yes, that was his one condition to meeting that October day last year.  He said I couldn't cry.  Which I didn't think was going to be a problem, as I have been unable to cry in front of anyone for years.  I had become an expert at putting up the walls and not letting out my emotions.  So having Christopher put that request out there only made it more necessary for me to put and keep that wall up.  It became necessary to me to completely take that baby out of the day, in order to make it through meeting the wonderful young man without tears for the baby I lost. 

The thing that really bothers me though is that I have become so good at burying the emotions.  I feel as though it's emotionally unhealthy for me, it makes me angry at myself, it just plain drives me crazy that I don't/can't cry over all of this.  Or is it?  Am I mental (quit nodding), or is it something else?

lolokey said...I struggle with putting walls up as well. Maybe the most important thing is that we allow ourselves to feel the emotions, not beat ourselves up about when we do (or don't) feel them. Maybe we can start to learn to see our walls as a place to lean on when we need support and not use them to protect ourselves.

Is my lack of crying because I buried the tears?  Or have I actually come to a place of.... acceptance?  Maybe I need to quit beating myself up for what I think is not feeling the emotions.  I do feel love, fear, worry, etc. for Christopher, for all the loved ones in my life.  Have I been leaning on my walls, not hiding behind them?  This all sounds so stupid when I go back and read these last words.  I so wish that I was able to get the swirling thoughts out of my head and into a sentence that makes sense when written!!  I guess what I need to do is take lolokey's advice and not beat myself up for not feeling the emotions.  Because maybe that's not what's going on after all. 

*sigh*

I wish there was a guide book for all of this...

Susie

Thoughts from First Mother Forum

Over at First Mother Forum there have been some great posts about adoption reunion.  If any of you reading here don't know about this wonderful blog, you need to go check it out, it's one of my favorites.  The blog posts are great, the comments on them are just as good.  Several things on these recent posts had me wanting to comment, so I thought I would just write about them here. 

We natural mothers long for a kind of normalcy with our reunited daughters and sons that we cannot have. What has gone on before will not allow it.

Oh how I long for "normalcy".  Even though I know normalcy is unrealistic ~adoption takes away any sense of normal.  Adoption is not normal...

A comment from Von:  I think we all long for normalcy, but for many adoptees, most if not all, it is not possible, never will be because of the loss which reunion never 'cures', makes up for or deletes.  How to trust someone who walked out on us?

I hope that Christopher trusts me.  I hope he believes my promise to only be honest with him, no matter what he may ask.  I hope he knows that I won't ever walk out on him again.  (Just had a thought ~ maybe he thinks it isn't a good thing that he will never be rid of me!  Poor kid is stuck with me forever!)

Kristie says: I don't believe that adoptees go "in and out", "advance and retreat". We just live as we always have, not knowing where exactly we belong, trying to protect ourselves all along the way.

 So how exactly does any reunion go smoothly? If both of us are trying to protect ourselves along the way?  How do we get "beyond" that?  God, what I wouldn't give to be able to sit down with Christopher and have an honest to goodness "heart to heart" and just get it all out there without either of us taking anything the wrong way, without either of us hearing something in a hurtful way when it's not meant to be hurtful. Maybe one day...

Kristi says: But the reality is that .... For you, we are that missing part of yourself that was ripped from your body. To us, you are a curiosity - "who, what, why, when, how and where" is what we really want to know. 

This is something I wish that every expectant mother considering adoption could know, I mean really and truly KNOW.  I wish that I could have known this before reunion, before my heart went all out crazy thinking I had my son fully back in my life.  Not all adoptees feel this way, but many do.  Then there are the adoptees who do not feel this way, but will never let us know differently out of fear of being rejected again.  Or out of fear of being unloyal to the mothers who raised them.  This is a possibility that we must be ready for though ~ we may only be to our sons and daughters the answers to long wondered questions.  They already have a mom who they love and who fully loves our sons and daughters in return.  Our sons and daughters may never have had, may never have, a need for a mother/son mother/daughter relationship with us.  I've touched on this topic before ~ I'm not saying it's "wrong" for an adopted person to feel this way, it's just a possible truth in adoption.

 "We cannot sustain a loving heart in a constant state of confusion and imbalance. We start setting up our own protective walls."

I have done that. Built the walls. Again. The love I feel for Christopher, that I can't express, because some don't understand ~ and worse, the others who don't care to try to understand. It's just too much sometimes to deal with ~ it's easier if I push it down, bury it, keep it hidden behind those protective walls. I wish that it could be like it was when first in reunion again...  I find myself hiding the depths of my feelings from Christopher himself.  Sadly, I think I started building up the walls at a time that most people would begin tearing them down.  On the day that we were finally going to meet in person for the first time.  The only way I knew I would be able to make it without crying is if I wouldn't let the reality of the moment sink in.  So I buried it.  Made the meeting "less than" in my mind.  And heart.  I didn't allow myself to think about the past, I took the baby I gave up for adoption out of the day.  I was simply meeting the young man I had been happily getting to know through many emails.  I hate that I did that.  I hate that my "survival mode" is so strong that it could take over such a huge moment in my life.  I hate to admit this to myself, much less put it out there in writing.  (I will be surprised if I don't erase this last bit before posting!)

 From a comment, which sums this all up so very well (my emphasis): 

..This, I believe, is not intentional on most people's parts. It is part of the dysfunction of adoption. What happened to us was so incredibly unnatural. In more civilized societies, children and parents would never be legally banned from knowing each other even if other people are doing the upbringing of the child. The inhumanity is damaging and reunification is anything but simple.

-Mara

The Invitation - by Oriah

I was reading through some of my favorite poems today and found this old favorite. It speaks to me today, so I thought I would share it with all of you.

The Invitation

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Looking for submissions - A book being written for adoptees

If you went to check out Kevin Hofmann's blog post I wrote about yesterday, you already know about this project.  I thought I would help Kevin spread the word, it sounds like a great book idea.

THE ADOPTION PROJECT:  I am working on a special project that will combine the shared experiences of adult adoptees, First mothers, and Adoptive parents, in a powerful way to send an empowering and inspirational message to today’s adoptees.  If you are interested in sharing from your own experience please contact me for the particulars @    Kevin8967@sbcglobal.net. 

Some more info about the project that Kevin shared with me:

Each page of the book will include a member of the triad.  It would include your bio, where you are from etc.  Then the next portion of the page would be your message to adoptees speaking from your experience.  Something you wish you knew growing up about adoption(adoptees), the frustrations about adoption, etc.(adoptees, parents)  A love letter to your adoptee,  the real story and feelings behind relinquishing a child,  a love letter to your child(first mom and dads).

We want this to be inspiring but at the same time real.  We want it to be positive but also we want to share the reality of adoption. 

If you are interested in learning more about this project or being a part of it, please email Kevin for more info at:
Kevin8967@sbcglobal.net