Four Years Ago Today...

Friday, January 16, 2009 

My life was forever changed.  

I was excited and looking forward to the weekend ahead which included one last Christmas celebration with my family as my brother and his family were finally able to travel back home.

I looked forward to the weekend not only for this last Christmas celebration, but also because it signified the beginning of a new journey in my life.  A vow I had made to myself.  As the holidays rolled around that year, I had come to realize just how much my living in denial had been effecting my life.  I decided that once the holidays were over I was going to begin to deal with the loss of my son to adoption and then try to search for him.

I was at work, counting down the last hour before I could leave and get a start on the weekend.  At 4:50 I called it quits as far as doing actual work and decided to check my hotmail account to see if I had anything other than junk mail there.  You see, I had opened that hotmail account strictly for getting my info "out there" on the www on a few adoption reunion websites.  When I had first created the email account, I checked it every day.  As the months and years drug along, I checked it less and less often.  On that fateful January day four years ago, it had probably been 6 or 7 months since I had checked it.  I FULLY expected to see nothing but junk mail there. 

Imagine my surprise when first I saw an email dated January 5th from someone who said "Please contact me, I have a son who is looking for his birth family and it matches your posting. Thanks, Kim ###-###-####.  He is very excited, please call."

The next email was dated January 9th and said "Your birth son is looking for you!!! I think we can start many ?'s with answers nearly 30 years later. Please feel free to email me directly at..."

I will never forget that feeling, the loss of breath, the beating of my heart, the fear, the elation, the caution I was putting on my heart immediately to not fully believe that I was the "right" mom found.  So much was going on in my heart, mind, and soul in that moment.  I'm surprised I was able to act normal and leave work without letting on what had just happened. 

As soon as I left, I took out my cell phone to call Kim who I assumed was my son's adoptive mother.  She answered with a cheerful "Hello" in a very strong southern accent.  My first thought was "Where in the world did they send him???".  After a confusing moment for both of us, she realized that I thought she was his mom ~ when in reality she was a search angel.  To add to the "meant to be" part of our reunion, Kim only helps with searches in the two states she has lived in as she knows the laws/resources there well.  When she saw one of the postings where Christopher was able to write a little about his search, she just got a strong feeling that she wanted "to help him find his momma" ~ even though his adoption had taken place in Iowa, where she had never searched before.  The first place she went to see if she could find me was the reunion registry at adoption. com and there I was.

The rest, as they say, is history! 

I am so very thankful that I can celebrate this day of having my son back in my life.  It's so hard to believe that we are entering into our 5th year together.  In some ways it seems like just a couple of years, in others it seems like much longer. 

Each year has seen mile-stones in our lives. 

2009 started with finding and getting to know each other through many, many emails, ending with a Christmas day phone call ~ the first time I ever heard his voice!

2010 we met face-to-face for the first time.

2011 Christopher arranged a surprise visit and my dream of having all my kids together came true.

2012 I was able to meet his mom and spent 4 wonderful hours hearing stories about Christopher's childhood and about his parents and extended family.  I truly enjoyed getting to know this wonderful woman! 

2013 ~ what do you have in store for us??  

I dream of meeting his children, his beautiful wife.  

I dream of seeing him in person again, it's been almost a year since 

I have looked into his beautiful eyes.  

I am blessed...  so very, very blessed to have my son back in my life.  

Pregnancy And/Or Adoption As A Punishment?

Another great post by Deanna Shrodes today.  If you haven't discovered Deanna yet, you need to go read some of her wonderful writings.  She blogs at Adoptee Restoration as well as at Lost Daughters.   In her own words, Deanna is an "Adult Adoptee. Compassionate. Helper. Pastor. Wife and Mother. Coffee Lover. Loudest Laugh in the Room. Friend You Haven't Met Yet".  I will highlight a few quotes from her latest post, but I do hope you will go visit her blog as well as Lost Daughters if you don't already read there either.  

Here is some of what Deanna wrote about unplanned pregnancies, from her viewpoint as an adoptee:

Our president, who is pro-choice, grieved me back in 2008. He made a statement about the importance of sex education, which I do agree is important.  As the speech went on he said, "I've got two daughters. 9 years old and 6 years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby."


As an adoptee, and as a human being in general, I felt like I was punched in the gut.

"Punished with a baby."

The words stung.

I hate those words. I hate them, hate them, hate them.

Was I a punishment?

I certainly felt like one at times.

 I've spent many hours in a counseling chair because I felt like someone's punishment. Finally one day I had to realize whether I was expected or relinquished, whatever my beginning or the circumstances that surrounded my birth, my life was ordained by God. 

I am no one's punishment.


"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3

Did you catch that?
 

Deanna goes on to write about the perception some people have that it is the unwed mothers who deserve punishment:

 She should have known better.
She made a mistake.
But now, she can make up for it, if she is willing to face the consequences.

She is encouraged that she can "make a new start" and "make all things work together for good", by giving the baby as a gift to a childless couple.

She is seen as atoning for her wrong (sex and pregnancy outside of wedlock) by giving the baby to a desperate and deserving couple.

What started out horribly wrong can now redeemed as she makes someone else's dreams come true and can move on with her own...after enduring the punishment. The anguish of saying goodbye to her child will be great...in fact almost unbearable. But she is reminded - sin is costly. All along the way she is encouraged  that although she really messed up, she can bring good out of a bad situation by giving the ultimate gift to another. 

Lastly, I would like to share her words to fellow Christians.  These words speak to those who use Christianity to sell adoption:

Brothers and sisters in Christ, I appeal to you that we don't have the ability to atone for our own sins. The Bible says none of us are without sin. The young lady who conceives a child out of wedlock is no different from you or I who gossip, hold bitterness or are gluttons. There is only one way to salvation. It is not through an adoption agency. It is not through relinquishing nor adopting.  We are only saved by grace, through faith.  Only the work that Christ did on the cross can forgive our shortcomings. The Bible says that God has not appointed us unto wrath (punishment) but to receive salvation. He covered all of our sins, mistakes and failures on the cross. We can't work hard enough or make enough good choices to make up for all our wrongs. How dare we boast that anyone can redeem themselves by choosing adoption! What a slap in the face to the accomplished work of Christ. There is only one person who can give us a truly new start.  We are new creations through Christ, not through the world's adoption system. In and of ourselves, we do not cause all things to work together for good. There is only One who came to make all things right -- His name is Jesus Christ. A new start comes through Him, not by giving up a baby. We are only free because of what He did, not by what we can do. It is an abomination to a Holy God to attribute atonement, salvation,and  redemption to a worldly form of adoption. Being "adopted in Christ" (as all believers are) has absolutely nothing to do with being adopted in a worldly sense. Pressuring  a young lady to give up her baby so that she or the situation can be "redeemed" is not only terrible theology, it is cruel and inhumane.
 

Thank you Deanna for being brave enough to speak out the words of your heart regarding adoption!

Oh ~ and by the way ~ if we are ever lucky enough to be in the same room together Deanna, I think I might have you beat on the loudest laugh in the room!

Post Holidays Blues

Nothing like the holidays to throw some adoption loss blues into your life...

No matter that I've been living with this for almost 34 years now.  No matter that we have known each other for almost 4 years now.  No matter that I have come to a place of "acceptance" about the loss of my son to adoption.

Grief STILL finds a way in.

The thing is ~ you never know what is going to trigger the grief.  In my case, it's coming from a few things right now.  Christmas and New Years of course are tinged with loss.  Add to that my oldest raised son who has pulled himself and his kids away from our family while he focuses on some personal/marital issues.  While in my head I know I'm not losing them too ~ all my heart knows is fear of losing yet another son and the close relationship I have had with his children.  Last but not least are all the wonderful photos I have had the joy of seeing from Christopher's life over these holidays.  While it is so wonderful to be able to see them, it is also bittersweet to see him with a family that is not my own.  It's so hard to see his kids in a photo with all their cousins ~ and the cousins are not my other grandchildren...  It's so hard to see the beautiful son & daughter of my son who are yet are not my grandchildren.  It was all the beautiful photos that brought the grief out.  Seeing the wonderful man my son has become.  Who is yet isn't a part of my life.  Seeing his kids who only know me through the gifts I send.  *sigh*

At least now I realize where this grief is coming from.  I lived for three decades not realizing where the holiday blues were coming from.  Now I know that fighting it will only make it worse, so I'm acknowledging it, falling into it, allowing it to be, so that it can hopefully work it's way through and out of my life for a while again.

Adoption.  The gift that keeps on giving...

The 14th of December, 2012

My heart bleeds for everyone in Newtown, for the family and friends of all those murdered last Friday. I cannot begin to imagine the horror, the trauma...

With thoughts and prayers for all involved, of course my thoughts also turned to my own family. As did everyone, I'm sure. I would imagine that every one hugged their loved ones a bit longer than normal, there were many more statements of "I love you" than usual that night and in the days to follow.

Then the wondering began...

Were any of those murdered adopted? Were or will their natural families be contacted with the horrible news? Or will the mothers/fathers/extended natural family go on the rest of their lives with no idea that their child lost their life in the senseless murders?

Or maybe one of the adults murdered were natural mothers who had lost a child to adoption... Will their children be told that they are gone? Or will they search one day only to find out the horrible news years later?

What about the many natural mothers in the U.S. whose children are now 6 & 7 years old? How many have children that age and have no idea where their child is living? How many are now living with the question "Was my child one of them?".

My heart goes out not only to everyone affected by the massacre last Friday, but to every mother/father/family member out there who is wondering tonight if one of the victims could be their loved one.


A beautiful song. a wonderful tribute...

On the 14th of December ~
  the angels were crying
     as they carried them away...

Over At Adoption Lies...

I'm glad that I didn't attempt to write every day of this month of Adoption (Be)Awareness.  Too much going on in my life, it would have done me in this year.

I read an excellent post yesterday over at Adoption Lies Adoption Victims.  I'm going to put it on my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page, but thought it was too great to pass up linking here on a post too.

If Adoption Was Presented Like This....

Would it be a loving choice?  Would a expectant or new mother choose adoption or an adoptive parent?

I finally have some peace because the last two years have presented questions that I could not answer and it turned over in my mind over and over again. The crux of the questions had cruelty as their core values. How could my relinquished daughter's parents be so cruel?  How could they coerce a depressed mother, with a track record of lovingly parenting her children in to giving up her child?  How could they close an open adoption? How could they deny my daughter her right to know her family when she contacted us? How could they call and berate me and tell me how I was a worthless mother because they had my child? How could they do these things?

And finally the answer came to me a few days ago...

Take the time to go read the rest of this post if you haven't already.

Adoption ~ Is NOT Among The Blessings I Name

So many blessings, it would be impossible to list them all one by one.

While I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I find myself keeping busy tonight to stop my mind from wandering. I know I am avoiding bed in order to keep my brain busy so that I won't dwell on the fact that I didn't hear from Christopher today. I knew I wouldn't get a phone call, but why does the heart still hold out that possibility? I thought for sure I would get an email, or text, or even just a message on Facebook...

*Sigh*

 Today is not only Thanksgiving,  Christopher's heart surgery was one year ago today.  He is doing wonderful ~ is enjoying his second lease on life.

As I said, I have so many blessings.  But the heart continues to break, the loss of my son to adoption continues to tear me apart.  Despite reunion, despite the many blessings in my life.

How can anyone say that adoption is a blessing??

Young? Single? Pregnant? Considering Adoption?

I came to the decision for adoption on my own.  Granted, it was still expected so it wasn't much of a decision.  Only a few "rebel" girls were beginning to buck the expected and raise their babies.

I hated my home life.  There was no way I was going to make an innocent baby grow up in that.

How much of that was normal teenage angst, I wonder?  The hating my family and home life?

What if I hadn't become such an independent soul at such a young age?  What if I had still depended on my parents for help and advice?  What if I had asked them what they thought about adoption?  What if I had asked them what they thought about the possibility of me raising my baby?

Would they have told me they would help me?  

Would they have told me I would be a great mom?

 If only I had asked...

Another reason I was convinced adoption was my only option ~ I wanted my baby to know the love of a dad, as I didn't have that and craved it badly.  Tom was long gone, I had no idea where or how to find him (1979 ~ pre-internet era).  Little did I know that I was going to meet the man who would become my husband just 7 months after losing Christopher to adoption.  Ron would have been a wonderful father to Christopher...

If only I had known.

How might my life have been different if I had just been able to reach out and ask for help?

To ask for advice?  

To think outside of fear?  

To think beyond the first months, the first year? 

Are you a young pregnant mom?  

Are you a single pregnant mom?  

Are you considering adoption for your unborn child?

Are you scared to ask your family and/or friends for support?
(By support I mean beyond financial support.) 

Chances are there will be many who would be willing to help you, 

to cheer you on to be the best mom you can be.

Chances are that this pregnancy may just be the best thing to happen to you ~ unexpected joy!

Asking for help and advice is NOT being weak.

It's being strong.

It's being a great mom.

It's doing whatever is necessary to be the best mom you can be to your child!!