Adoption Awareness - Adoption Loss is Forever

Why am I having such a hard time finding something to write about?  There is so much to be said about adoption that people aren't aware of.  I guess I'm just wondering if it's even worth it to speak out?  Is it worth digging into something that hurts so badly?  Do the people who need to listen and learn ever really listen and learn?  I wonder...

The main reason I started writing in a blog is to get everything out of my head.  A journal of sorts to help me find myself again.  To find the real me who was buried under decades of denial, under the false beliefs I had of myself due to adoption loss.  

Here I am, 90 published posts, more than two years later, and I'm still lost. 

I have let go of many of the false beliefs I had of myself.  I know that I wasn't a "bad girl" simply because of one bad decision.  I know that I really was a mother, not just an egg donor and incubator for Christopher's "real parents".  I know that I wasn't stupid for choosing adoption, I simply didn't know (most importantly didn't have) any options.    I know that it wasn't luck that brought my husband into my life "even though" I was "one of those girls".  Most importantly, I know I could have been a great mom to Christopher if I had only been given a chance.

I have come out of the closet of adoption since starting this blog.  I speak out of my son and his adoption now.  I proudly claim that I am a mother of 4, grandmother of 9.  I'm no longer ashamed of the 15 year old girl I once was.  People are probably sick of me talking out about adoption now.  I will never go back into that damn closet again!  It is too suffocating.  The only winners in a mother of adoption loss being in the closet is the adoption industry.  I won't ever be one of their pawns again!

I am no longer in denial.  Although I sure as hell would love to go visit there now and then for a day or so.  

"Lost" by Shellie

But I still feel lost.  I'm still a mother without her child.  Yes, I know where he is.  I know he's alive and happy.  (I wish I could say he's healthy.  If my prayers are answered, he will be healthy again, he will feel better than he has in years after recovering from surgery later this month.)  I have had the absolute joy of seeing him in person, holding him in my arms, looking into his eyes.  I am so very lucky in that ~ many moms I have come to know still don't know that joy.  But.  I'm still lost.  I don't know how my son feels about me.  I don't know if he even really wants me to still be in his life.  Does he think of me as a mom, mother in any way?  I can't just pick up the phone and call him like I do my other kids.  I can't just go visit him when I have a free weekend.  I can't even plan on being at the hospital when he's undergoing major surgery.  I'm still an outsider in his life, even though we are getting close to three years in reunion. An outsider in my own son's life ~ that hurt is still the same as it was the day I lost him to adoption. 

Will I ever truly and completely find myself?  I really don't think that's possible.  I lost a part of myself, a part of my heart and soul, when I lost my son to adoption.  Once adoption loss enters your life, it is there forever.  And ever.  And ever...
 

 Susie

Adoption Awareness ~ Day 8

A Few Of The Things That Drive Me Crazy

The word "birthmother".  For many reasons, most of all when

• used by pap's or ap's as a possessive term.  Ex: "Our birthmom".  Excuse me ~ the mother gave birth to your child, not to you.  She cannot be your birthmom!
• When shortened to bm.  A mother is not poo.  A bm is a bowel movement folks!

When the adoptee is described as being a "gift".  

• I did not and would not give my son as a gift to strangers I had never met.  Rather I was giving him the gift of two parents.  (Yes, I know now...  but at the time that's what I believed was right.)
• Especially when used as "a gift from God".  This is true, a gift to the mother and father the infant was created by.  God doesn't make mistakes and put an infant in "the wrong tummy"!

Adoptive parents who

• do not understand that love multiplies ~ it doesn't have to be divided.
• do not listen and learn from adoptees who have lived the life and have much to teach.

Mothers considering adoption being treated as saints,

• until the papers are signed, then they become dangerous strangers who must be watched and censored around their own children.
• until they decide to parent their child, they are suddenly misfits unworthy of raising a child.

Prospective adoptive parents who

• claim that God has a hand in their adoption desires.
• stalk expectant teen mothers on forums for moms.

Susie
I'm having trouble finding things to write about, and it's only the 8th day. I have a lot I'd like to say, but am having a hard time getting it out without being too angry or too pathetically sad right now.  

So dear readers - any ideas?  Do you have any questions you would like to ask me?  Any lurkers out there who would like to write a guest post to either introduce yourself or a blog post with your thoughts about adoption awareness?  Send me a message at findingchristopher at gmail dot com. 

Adoption Awareness ~ Learning to Let Go and Let Love

There is just so much that I don't know about my own son.

It hurts not really knowing my own firstborn child.  Does he see my name in his email in-box and smile, or does he think "Oh God... her again?!" ?  Is he fine with our limited contact these last several months, or does he wish that something was different so that it didn't have to be this way?  Does he have anyone to talk to about all of this ~ reunion, me, him, his new-found siblings, nieces & nephews?  Has he begun to see adoption thru less rosy colored glasses as I suspect, or is his opinion of adoption still as it was before reunion? 

A couple of weeks ago I found out that Christopher is facing a pretty serious health issue.  (Sorry, but I can't really share any details as it's not my story to tell.)  For several days after learning this latest turn of events, I was lost in the fear and worry for him, and doubts about where or if I even fit into his life.  I have lately been trying to change the worrying into prayers and blessings for Christopher instead of the negative energy of worry or fear.

This led me to reading some different blogs, trying to find healing and positive things to focus on.  This afternoon I found myself lost in reading a wonderful blog, Painted Path.  So many posts touched me, touched my aching heart.  I think I could write for a week or more just on things I read there this afternoon.  One thought in particular is something I need to really focus on these next two weeks.

Artwork by Julia Fehrenbacher

 Let Go & Let Love is the title of this post, and the beautiful painting that has me feeling in a better place.

I have to let go of the doubts and worries, my questions of his feelings for me.  I will let go of them and just love enough for the both of us.  I have to let the love into my heart also, not just send it his way.

As Julia said in her post, speaking about her little bird:

She reminded me that when I get out of the way, the sweetest kind of love will be there to meet me, to greet me, to turn me toward the light. She reminded me that when things get messy and I have no idea how to fix them, to let go/surrender/turn it over. She reminded me that, rather than trying to fix, to simply be soft and open--to allow the magic to come to me & through me. To Trust the process, the "mistakes," the timing. To become absolutely present and take it one gentle step at a time. Just one.
To believe in something greater than little me.

So that's what I'm going to try to do.  To Let Go and Let Love.  

Susie

P.S. ~ Much easier said than done, especially in this month of Adoption Awareness.  I thought I could concentrate on the awareness longer than just one week.  I thought perhaps it would be a distraction for me till it got closer to the surgery, but I was wrong.  I don't know where my writing is going to take me for the rest of the month, I'm going to take it day by day.  Maybe the awareness I'm going to find the rest of this month is myself...

I'm cheating again tonight!  I spent the first part of the day with my hubby, which doesn't happen near enough.  I spent the rest of the day with my 4 year old granddaughter, spoiling her while her mom and dad are out of town.  I thought I would get her to sleep and be able to write, but she is nowhere near ready to go to sleep!  So here are some quotes I found about the importance of the mother/child bond while researching for another post. 

I'm off to go watch a movie and hopefully put an overly tired four year old to sleep!

To interfere with or destroy this intimacy is to risk interrupting a vital psychological process that may reduce the woman's confidence in herself as a mother and interfere with the flow of communication between her and her baby. - Marshall Klaus

While what the newborn craves is touch, physical skin stimulus and the familiar sound of mother's heartbeat, she is placed in a lifeless basket, with a baby blanket, perhaps a teddybear or soft doll. She is learning that encounters with people cause severe stress. For the newborn, separation from mother equals abandonment:

It is impossible to overstate the monstrousness of this final violation of a new life... this isolation neatly cancels every possible chance for bonding, for relaxation of the birth stress, for the activation of the sensory system for its extra-uterine function, and for the completion of the reticular formation for full mental-physical coordinates and learning... the organism never fully recovers. All future learning is affected. The infant body goes into shock. - Joseph Chilton Pearce

Marshal Klaus, MD, and John Kennell, MD, wrote the book Maternal-Infant Bonding, in 1976, describing the connection between a mother and her child, which originate at birth (or even before) and which is characterized as an intense physical, emotional, spiritual, bond that exists between the two. They describe this bond as a sensitive dance that occurs between them, where each relies on the cues of the other and interacts in an intense intertwined fashion.

The mother-infant bond is extremely important to the present and future emotional health of a child. There are clear indications that an infant is ready to respond to his mother from the moment of birth. Evidence shows that an infant hears and recognizes his mother's voice prenatally.  This innate preference in addition to several reflexive behaviors are important to the concept of bonding.  (Brazelton & Cramer, 1990). 

Adoption Awareness ~ Adoption Trauma to the Child

I'm cheating today ~ I just don't have it in me to write another post about adoption today.

Here's an article I found ~ written by Florence Clothier, M.D., in 1943.  This is an excerpt from "The Psychology of the Adopted Child", The National Committee for Mental Health, Journal on Mental Hygiene., New York.

Did you pay attention to the year?  1943!!

Susie

Trauma to Child

 The child who does not grow up with his own biological parents, or does not even know them or anyone of his own blood, is an individual who has lost the thread of family continuity. A deep identification with our forebears, as experienced originally in the mother-child relationship, gives us our most fundamental security. The child’s repeated discoveries that the mother from whom he has been biologically separated will continue to warm him, nourish him, and protect him pours into the very structure of his personality a stability and a reassurance that he is safe, even in this new alien world.

Every adopted child, at some time in his development, has been deprived of this primitive relationship with his mother. This trauma and the severing of the individual from his racial antecedents lie at the core of what is peculiar to the psychology of the adopted child. The adopted child presents all the complications in social and emotional developments seen in the own child. But the ego of the adopted child, in addition to all the normal demands made upon it, is called upon to compensate for wound left by the loss of the biological mother. Later on this appears as an unknown void, separating the adopted child from his fellows whose blood ties bind them to the past as well as to the future.

It is pertinent never to lose sight of the fact that no matter how lost to him his natural parents may be, the adopted child carries stamped in every cell of his body genes derived from his forebears. The primitive stuff of which he is made and which he will pass on to future generations was determined finally at the time of his conception. . . The implications of this for the psychology of the adopted child are of the utmost significance.

The child who is placed with adoptive parents at or soon after birth misses the mutual and deeply satisfying mother-child relationship, the roots of which lie in that deep area of the personality where the physiological and psychological are merged. Both for the child and for the natural mother, that period is part of a biological sequence, and it is to be doubted whether the relationship to it’s post-partum mother, in it’s subtler effects, can be replaced by even the best of substitute mothers.

But those subtle effects lie so deeply buried in the personality that, in light of our present knowledge, we cannot evaluate them. We do know more about the trauma that an older baby suffers when he is separated from his mother, with whom his relationship is no longer merely parasitic, but toward whom he has developed active social strivings. For some children, and in some stages of development, this severing of the budding social relationship can cause irreparable harm. The child’s willingness to sacrifice instinctive gratifications and infantile pleasures for the sake of love relationships has proved a bitter disillusionment, and he may be loath to give himself into a love relationship again.’

Adoption Awareness ~ Not Adoption Celebration

I'm sure all you readers out there know that Adoption Awareness Month/National Adoption Month is supposed to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care.

From the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services ~ the real meaning behind this month:

About National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month, a month set aside each year to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care. This year's National Adoption Month initiative targets adoption professionals by focusing on ways to recruit and retain parents for the 107,000 children and youth in foster care waiting for adoptive families. The National Adoption Month poster (PDF - 2,796 KB) notes strategies adoption professionals can implement any day, week, or month to benefit children waiting for families. The Spanish National Adoption Month poster (PDF - 2,494 KB) also provides suggestions for working with Spanish-speaking families throughout the year.

The 2011 theme for National Adoption Month is Build Capacity to Make Lasting Change. The National Adoption Month initiative supports the national adoption recruitment campaign and public service announcements produced in partnership with the Ad Council, AdoptUSKids, and the Children's Bureau. This year's campaign is targeted toward the recruitment of families for preteens (8-12 year olds).

The first major effort to promote awareness of the need for adoptive families for children in foster care occurred in Massachusetts in 1976, when Governor Michael Dukakis announced an Adoption Week. The idea grew in popularity and spread nationwide. In 1984, President Reagan proclaimed the first National Adoption Week, and in 1995, under President Clinton, the week was expanded to the entire month of November.

Every November, a Presidential Proclamation launches activities and celebrations to help build awareness of adoption throughout the nation. Thousands of community organizations arrange and host programs, events, and activities to share positive adoption stories, challenge the myths, and draw attention to the thousands of children in foster care who are waiting for permanent families. 

Link to their site to learn more

Adoption Awareness ~ Not Adoption Celebration

Before adoption can happen, relinquishment must take place.

I will never celebrate a mother losing a child, nor will I ever celebrate a child losing their mother.  No matter the reason ~ I think that is the most basic, primal loss that exists. 

The fact that a mother for any reason feels that she needs to relinquish her child is something that should be mourned, not prayed for or celebrated about.  

In my opinion, adoption should only be considered as a last choice, not a first choice.  Adoption should only be a first choice in the case of a mother completely and truly having NO desire to parent a child or if abuse is a factor. 

Family should always be honored and cherished, not torn apart.


Susie

Adoption Awareness ~ Coming From A Song

When I made the decision for adoption back in 1979, I had NO idea how deeply that would effect every aspect of my life, my entire life.  Adoption loss will be with me till my last breath, no matter how close Christopher and I may grow in the future.

I have talked before about how songs sometimes "talk" to me.

One phrase from a song has playing in my head for days now.  I didn't think anything of it, since it's part of a song I have long loved.  This morning as the words

I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you.

began playing in my head again, I realized that I needed to pay attention to them, not just dismiss them.

I have built my life around Christopher.  From the moment he was born.  I didn't realize it for decades while I was in such denial, but after reunion I saw that I had lived my life around the loss of my firstborn.

Since reunion, I have continued to build my life around him ~ maybe even more than before.  The wanting, hoping, waiting, never-ending thoughts of Christopher.

I know that something needs to change for my own sanity.  But how?  What? ?  How do I quit yearning for my son to be a part of my life?  How does a mother quit worrying about how her child is doing?  I look at photos of his beautiful wife and children and wonder if they will ever know me.   How does someone stop wishing that their grandchildren could be a part of their life?  How do I quit wondering if my grandchildren will ever even know that I am their grandmother??

Is is possible to change my thoughts?

Is it possible, but I'm just afraid of doing it?

I don't think it's possible to change my life.  Unless I go back into that Land Of Denial... Although, wait... That didn't really work the first time around either.  I just wasn't aware that so much of what I was/wasn't doing in my life was directly effected by the loss of my son.  So no, denial isn't an option. 

*sigh* 

So I still haven't figured out what, if anything, my subconscious is trying to tell me by having that phrase from this song on repeat lately.  Maybe it's another line from the song, there are a few to choose from...

Can the child within my heart rise above?

 Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

  
Susie

Landslide

(click to watch a wonderful performance by Stevie Nicks  with Sheryl Crow)

I took my love and I took it down.

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

Till the landslide brought me down

Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life

Mmm I don't know

Mmm Mmm

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you.

But time makes you bolder,

children get older,

and I'm getting older too.

So...

I've been afraid of changing because I, I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder,

Children get older

I'm getting older too.

I'm getting older too...

 So....

Take this love and take it down

Oh, if you climb a mountain and turn around

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hill,

Well, the landslide will bring it down, down.

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills,

Well Maybe...

The landslide will bring you down,

Well, well, the landslide will bring it down.