I feel as though I'm in a limbo of sorts lately.
Christopher is a part of my life now, yet he's not. I am a part of his life, but yet I'm not.
Maybe the feeling of being in limbo is because this "reunion" has become so one-sided.
I have felt a big shift in my emotions towards reunion since his surgery. Once the fear of losing Christopher in surgery was gone, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my heart. The love is still there, bigger than ever. But the fear, the worry? Gone.
It was more than just the fear of losing him during the surgery though. It's as though the fear of losing him in any way was gone. Is this finally acceptance that he will never fully be a part of my life? Is it finally enough to just know that he's alive, healthy, and happy? Did the fear of his death allow me to finally be at peace with him just "being out there somewhere"? Even if that meant that he wasn't going to fully be a part of my life? I no longer worry about sending him emails too often, or obsess over every word I write in worry that I will say something to drive him away. I am following my heart ~ if I read or hear something I want to share with him, I do it. When it's in my heart to let him know I'm thinking about him, hoping he's feeling better, I follow my heart now instead of worrying that it's wrong in some way.
These last few weeks have just been so strange to me. For the first time since Jan. 16, 2009, upon finding those first emails from the search angel and Christopher, he hasn't been on my mind 24/7. He is not always the first thing I think of when I wake up, nor always the last thing I think of before falling asleep.
This feeling of... limbo is very unsettling for some reason. There's a little voice in my head that fears it is not really acceptance ~ maybe I have instead buried my emotions regarding Christopher again. And don't even know it...
Maybe it's not following my heart so much as subconsciously I don't care anymore about pushing him away? Does a person even realize it when they are pushing someone away before they themselves can be pushed away?
This rambling is exactly why I haven't written many posts lately. None of this probably makes any sense. It doesn't even make sense to me! All of my thoughts are going in circles, winding around on themselves, making it even more confusing than when I first started writing all of this out in an attempt to figure out what in the world I am or am not feeling. If this blog post was an Excel spreadsheet, I would be getting a circular error warning!