I feel as though I'm in a limbo of sorts lately.
Christopher is a part of my life now, yet he's not. I am a part of his life, but yet I'm not.
Maybe the feeling of being in limbo is because this "reunion" has become so one-sided.
I have felt a big shift in my emotions towards reunion since his surgery. Once the fear of losing Christopher in surgery was gone, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my heart. The love is still there, bigger than ever. But the fear, the worry? Gone.
It was more than just the fear of losing him during the surgery though. It's as though the fear of losing him in any way was gone. Is this finally acceptance that he will never fully be a part of my life? Is it finally enough to just know that he's alive, healthy, and happy? Did the fear of his death allow me to finally be at peace with him just "being out there somewhere"? Even if that meant that he wasn't going to fully be a part of my life? I no longer worry about sending him emails too often, or obsess over every word I write in worry that I will say something to drive him away. I am following my heart ~ if I read or hear something I want to share with him, I do it. When it's in my heart to let him know I'm thinking about him, hoping he's feeling better, I follow my heart now instead of worrying that it's wrong in some way.
These last few weeks have just been so strange to me. For the first time since Jan. 16, 2009, upon finding those first emails from the search angel and Christopher, he hasn't been on my mind 24/7. He is not always the first thing I think of when I wake up, nor always the last thing I think of before falling asleep.
This feeling of... limbo is very unsettling for some reason. There's a little voice in my head that fears it is not really acceptance ~ maybe I have instead buried my emotions regarding Christopher again. And don't even know it...
Maybe it's not following my heart so much as subconsciously I don't care anymore about pushing him away? Does a person even realize it when they are pushing someone away before they themselves can be pushed away?
*sigh*
This rambling is exactly why I haven't written many posts lately. None of this probably makes any sense. It doesn't even make sense to me! All of my thoughts are going in circles, winding around on themselves, making it even more confusing than when I first started writing all of this out in an attempt to figure out what in the world I am or am not feeling. If this blog post was an Excel spreadsheet, I would be getting a circular error warning!
You are not crazy. What you write makes sense to a mother in reunion. I am sending a big hug and wishing you some peace. Keep loving.
ReplyDeleteI totally get this. I think you are actually behaving like a normal mother would. Think about it, if you feel like talking to your other children, or just want to send a message that you're thinking about them, you just go ahead and do it. It's natural, you don't have to over think every little move with them. You are experiencing that now with Christopher. For the first time in how long, you are not living/breathing him 24/7. That's normal. That's good, that's healthy. Okay, there might be a little self protection thrown in there as well, it's how we roll after all, but enjoy the peace of trusting yourself and your instincts. It'll all be fine.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this myself, it is so similar to where I am at in my reunion. And I think it is a good place to be - much better than the constant worrying, obsessing, analyzing. I'm feeling much better and it sounds like you are, too.
ReplyDeleteThis makes much more sense than you realize! I've also been in limbo for months, probably almost a year. I go back and forth between thinking I'm losing her again to having some contact, just taking a deep breath and knowing it's ok. Reunion is just plain hard sometimes but we get through it and we love our kids. ((((hugs to you)))
ReplyDelete(((Susie))) I think you might be reaching the other side of limbo. You sound secure in what is (if that's even possible, but I think so). I applaud that your fear of losing Christopher is gone. He may not be fully in your life, but as you said, knowing that he is alive and well is something, after all those years of not knowing. I'm glad that you aren't worrying about what to send or when, and are instead following your heart, expressing yourself instead of hesitating. I can fully appreciate that you've reached the point where you aren't obsessed 24/7. I imagine that mothers who raised their children have to get there too, especially once their kids leave the "nest." It's a good place to have arrived at. Normal, I'm thinking, as if anything surrounding adoption and reunion can ever be "normal." Try not to be unsettled by this. I think that rather than burying your emotions re: Christopher (again, as you wrote), you might actually be finding peace with the situation.
ReplyDeleteYour post makes perfect sense to me. Thank you for sharing. XO