"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

I LOVE the movie Burlesque!  I was listening to the soundtrack this morning as I was getting ready for work. 

As I listened to the song "You Haven't Seen The Last of Me", I immediately thought of a friend from an on-line forum I belong to.  She has taken a break from the forum, as the happy-dappy adoption attitudes and the ap's who like to label us as "bitter birthmoms" have taken their toll on her.   I then thought of all of us strong women who are surviving adoption loss ~ the moms and the adoptees.  For I believe that we ARE strong, even when we are feeling weak.   And that is why I am so very thankful for all of the on-line friends I have met in adoption blog-land.  When I am feeling weak, feeling brought down to my knees and past the point of breaking, all of them, all of you lift me back up again ~ you are my strength until I can stand up on my own again! 

"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But just there's something so strong
Somewhere inside me.
And I am down, but I'll get up again.
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed right past the point of breaking,
But I can take it.
I'll be back -
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me.
You haven't seen the last of me.

They can
Say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me.
You don't know me, you don't know who I am.
Don't count me out so fast.

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed
right past the point of breaking,
But I can take it.
I'll be back -
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me.
There will be no fade-out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing on top again.
Times are hard but
I was built tough.
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of.

I've been brought down to my knees
I've been pushed
right past the point of breaking,
But I can take it.
I'll be back -
Back on my feet
This is far from over

I am far from over...

You haven't seen the last of me.

No, no,
I'm not going nowhere.
I'm staying right here!
Oh no,
You won't see me beg
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

(Doll ~ I'm so thankful for FaceBook ~ I wasn't ready to see the last of you!)

Susie

Alone ~ Words of Anguish

A friend of mine from a forum for moms wrote a beautifully haunting post the other day.  I can't get it out of my head.  I asked her for permission to post it here, as I think it is something that needs to be read by many.

My opinions on adoption loss, as well as my stance on family preservation are often said to be irrelevant.  My opinion, the opinions of other mothers who lost children to adoption decades ago, are dismissed as not relevant because "adoption is different" now.  That is a whole different post though.  This post is about the loss experienced by "new" mothers of adoption loss being no different than those of us who have lived with it for decades.  It is painful, it is agonizing.  How anyone can dismiss the grief of another is beyond me.

Here are the words of a mother who lost her child to adoption just over two years ago.

I feel so alone now,
The days pass by so slowly.
I feel I have been left behind,
Forgotten and pushed to the back of your mind,
The gift I gave you,
Has taken a huge toll
On my mind, body, spirit, and soul.
I alone paid the price,
Made the ultimate sacrifice.
And you were the only ones with something to gain,
I'm the one left with the pain.
The days drag on,
Until each one combines into the next one.

And I feel so alone, 

I feel so alone...

Discovered a New Blog

I discovered a new blog "Birthmothers In Search" tonight, and found myself lost in watching videos.  There are many great posts & videos on the blog, I found this video very much worth the time to watch it.  Now I'm off to check out the website Gather The Women.  I will let you know what I think of it.

How do the adoptive parents make you feel?

As a mother who placed, how do the adoptive parents make you feel?

This question was asked on a forum I belong to recently.  Normally I ignore most of the adoption questions there, but for some reason this one keeps coming back to me.  When an idea or thought gets stuck in my head, it usually means it is something that I need to deal with for some reason.

One of the reasons I started to write and blog about my adoption story was because I was having such a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into words.  I often felt like I just had a bunch of random words and bits of thoughts swirling like a tornado in my brain.  When I would try to put them into a cohesive thought or sentence, I couldn't.  It's like I had spent so many years, decades, hiding from the thoughts and feelings about my son and his adoption, it became all but impossible to finally face them and put words to them.   This blog has helped me with that so much.  It helped me to come fully out of the fog and finally know and accept the effects of adoption loss on my life.  I finally put an end to the constant tornado.

I had all but forgotten that feeling of the swirling thoughts that wouldn't settle down no matter how hard I tried.  Trying to put thoughts or words together to describe how Christopher's parents make me feel have brought it right back.  I am going to attempt to answer that question, hoping that by writing it out I will figure it out.

The very first and most simple thought/feeling that comes to mind when thinking about them is gratefulness.  It seems... wrong somehow?  to want to express my thanks to them for being wonderful parents to Christopher though.  I don't know why it feels wrong, but it does.  Maybe because of the hurt I felt when I read his mothers words of thanks to me for my "selfless decision".  The thanks were meant completely out of love and gratefulness, and I did read them as loving words, but it later felt like a kick in the stomach, a "thanks for living with life-long grief and loss that is unimaginable by anyone who has not lived the life of a mother without her child".  Maybe I feel ambivalent about saying that I feel grateful to his parents because to them it could be seen as hurtful, not with the love that I mean it in; but since I am not an adoptive parent I don't realize how those words could be perceived as hurtful.  (Those were some rambling sentences ~ I hope that they make at least a little sense!)

So.  Overall, how do Christopher's parents make me feel?  ... Confused?  Intrusive?  Sad?  I guess that since I have no idea how they feel about me, about me being in their son's life, it just leaves me wondering. 

After I gave Christopher up, I often fantasized that I was somehow able to write to his mom.  I used to actually write the letters, but had nowhere to mail them to.  I imagined that I was able to become pen-pals of sorts with her.  I dreamed that I was able to KNOW, not hope, how he was doing as he grew up.   I was able to learn the funny things he said and did as he was growing up.  I got to read about when he started to walk and talk, ride a bike, start school...  I was able to learn how her life was changed as a mother to a son.  I was able to see photos of him, of them, as Christopher grew up so I could stop looking at every little boy his age and wonder if it could have been him.  I wanted her to know how my life was going too.  I wanted her to know the milestones that happened in my life.  I guess I mostly hoped that she cared how I was doing.  I felt a bond of sorts between us ~ two mothers with a deep and profound love for the same child.  I still feel that bond, even though we have never met, even though we have never become the "pen-pals" that I dreamed of.

I guess how his parents make me feel is wanting.  Wanting to know them, wanting to act on that bond I feel with his mother.  Wanting to be a part of their family and for them to be a part of mine.  Wanting to have a relationship in real-life, not just in my heart.

Susie

 

Lost Daughters

There is a new blog that I am really excited about!  Some of my favorite bloggers have joined forces to create the blog Lost Daughters.  In their words, here is what this new blog is about:

This blog was created by female adoptees, for female adoptees as a place to exchange ideas and opposing views in a respectful atmosphere.  While each adoptee has a unique experience and their own opinions, in general, we each support Adoption Reform, Adoptee Rights, and Family Preservation.  This blog is a place for female adoptees to share their experiences and think critically about adoption.  We do not write pro-adoption posts or repeat stereotypes about adoptees.

We acknowledge that adoption also impacts male adoptees and appreciate their viewpoints as well.  We hope to include guest blogs by men who have been adopted throughout our blog journey.

We also acknowledge that adoption impacts more than just adoptees and that others may identify with many things we write, even if they are not also adopted.  While this is an adoptee blog, we welcome anyone who would like to follow along, read, and comment.  Please just keep in mind that the site content will be geared toward female adoptees.

If you agree with our blog's mission, are a female adult adoptee, and would like to contribute to this blog, please email declassifiedadoptee [at] gmail [dot] com .

Good luck ladies!  I wish you much luck in your endeavor towards Adoption Reform, Adoptee Rights, and Family Preservation.  This mom looks forward to reading and learning from all of you!

International Adoption Facts

A good friend and fellow blogger has a great post with lots of information regarding the crimes of the international adoption industry.

International Adoption Facts

Susie

THE ADOPTEE RIGHTS COALITION

Letter Writing Campaign Starts Now!!

If you don't already know, The Adoptee Rights Coalition supports legislation that will give all adopted adults unconditional restored access to their own birth certificates.

 Please visit their latest blog post to find a link to your legislator and a sample letter if you need help composing one.  The post has a lot of other interesting info regarding equal rights for everyone to receive their original birth certificates.

If you have followed my blog, you know that I was NEVER promised anonymity, nor did I ever want it!  Quite the opposite in my case ~ I was told that if I ever searched for my son I would be breaking the law, no matter how old he was.  Another mother who gave up a child from the very same adoption agency just 3 weeks before me was told that her daughter would receive all the info necessary to find her when she turned 18.  Both cases were blatant lies. 

Mothers of adoption loss are not the reason the birth certificates are sealed!

I am going to go write my letters now ~ will you?

 Click here to get started!

Susie