Honesty In Reunion. Yet Not Completely Honest...

Is it ever going to be possible to truly live an authentic life?  From the very first moment of my reunion with Christopher, I vowed to only be honest with him.  No matter what he may want or need to know.

But I'm NOT being completely honest.  By omission.  It's in the unsaid and unwritten that the lies come in. 

I was looking at my own facebook page and saw a couple of things on there from some of my "adoption related" friends and groups.  Is he a fb "stalker" like I am with him?  Does he check out the new friends I make there?   Does he go look at the movies/groups/links that I "like" there?  If he does, what does he think about my emerging voice in things adoption related?  Going beyond facebook, has he found this blog?  Does he think that I've become a "bitter birthmother"?  Is this a part of why he has been so silent?

I wish that I didn't worry about what he would think if he found my on-line presence in the adoption world.  It is not because I am saying anything untruthful that makes me worry.  It's because I am speaking out about how adoption has effected my life.  I'm speaking with complete honesty here on my blog, in my comments out and about in blog-land.  I don't want him to really know that truth.  I don't want him to know how deep the hurt goes for me.  I don't ever want him to think that he, himself, has hurt me so deeply.  Because is wasn't "him" that hurt me, it was the loss of him.  It was my own "choosing" of adoption that has hurt me.  I don't want him taking my pain and loss onto himself.

So I continue to lie to him.  About my thoughts & feelings on adoption loss anyways.  By omission.  While he does know the summary of  how adoption has effected me, I hope to never let him know the true depth of it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the re-reading of this, I'm really uncomfortable with it.  I started this post days ago.  I have come back to it at least 5 times.  Hoping to see why it has been bothering me so...

It wouldn't even help to have someone to talk to, because I can't even put what I'm feeling\thinking into words!

                            Am I again making a choice about his life leaving him without a say in it? 

                                 Deciding what he can and cannot handle knowing?

              Am I using that as an excuse for something else? 

                            As a way to continue to hide my feelings?? 

Or is it simply to avoid confrontation? 

Is it because I don't want to be the one to kick Christopher out of the adoption fog?  Because it was so much easier in there, while I was in there. 

*sigh* 

I guess this is just something I'm going to have to ponder on for a while.  I hope I can figure out why this has brought back the tornadoes of thoughts that won't settle... 

Yet another thing they don't tell you when you are considering adoption.  The self-doubts.  The questions.  The confusion about it all ~ even 33 years later. 

I wish that it was possible for expectant mothers considering adoption to live inside my brain for just one day...

Living In The Sacred Moment

I was reading about a reunion recently.  The mother was hesitant to tell her raised kids about their oldest brother,  given up for adoption.

 The first thoughts to enter were judgmental ones.  Then I remembered.

I went back to those days in mid-January three years ago.  I also was hesitant for a while.  But not because I didn't want to tell them, not because I was afraid (although I was).  I was hesitant to share him.  I finally had Christopher in my life, after almost 30 years.  It is hard to put in words those feelings that overwhelmed my life so suddenly. 

The only thing that comes near to describing it is that it was sacred.  I wanted, no ~ I needed ~ to live in the sacredness of us.  Just us.  For a little while.  Not out of avoidance of anything.  Simply out of love and amazement and needing to savor it all.

Beyond Words Designs

Mother and son, found. 

Sacred. 

That which should not have been torn asunder to begin with. 

Just thinking about those first days brings the feeling right back to me.  I needed those days to revel in the amazing turn my life was taking.  To adjust to this new life that included my firstborn son. 







I think sacred is just the right word.

This beautiful painting (and more) is available here on Etsy, from Beyond Words Designs.

A Special Place In Hell For These Adopters

I am so very, very saddened today.  Broken hearted.  Pissed.  Disgusted.  There aren't even words to describe the range of feelings I have felt since hearing the news this morning.  Mostly I am absolutely saddened for a mother who was turned away from the funeral of her young daughter today.

I don't know all the details exactly, but here is a quick summary.

About 9 years ago a beautiful baby girl was given up for adoption.  Her mother chose an open adoption so that she would always be able to know how her daughter was doing, so that her daughter could always know her beginnings.  I'm not sure, but I think the adoption closed almost immediately.  She did receive a few updates and photos.  The brokenhearted mother was finally contacted years later with the horrible news that her daughter was sick, was she a match for a bone marrow transplant? Amazingly, this mom was pregnant at the time, close to her due date.  This mother paid for the storage of the cord blood, paid for the legal paperwork herself to try to save her oldest daughter.  When this mother tried to get an update on her health after the transplant, she was basically told it was none of her business.  The adoptor started stalking the natural mother on facebook and a forum for mothers where the mother had found support from other natural moms to help her through this traumatic time.  The adopters didn't like that the mother was telling people how she was being treated, so they sued claiming slander.  After reviewing everything, the judge ordered visitation rights for the natural mother, threw out the slander suit.  This mother finally had a chance to see her daughter for two hours after almost a decade of being denied what had been promised by the adopters.  Another visit was set up for a week later so that her oldest daughter could meet the sister who saved her life.  Two days before this visit, big sister was hit by a car and killed on her way to school. 

As tragic as that sudden death was, just days after she and her natural mother had finally been allowed to see each other, this story gets worse.

The adopters told this natural mother that she was not welcome at the funeral.  The natural mother could not be kept away.  When she arrived at the funeral this morning ~ with her baby girl, the "angel" that her older daughter was so excited to meet ~ she was escorted out of the funeral. 

I hope to God that there is a special place in hell for these people who broke a sacred promise to their child and her natural mother.  There has to be a special place in hell for someone who would turn a mother away from her own child's funeral.  What was she possibly going to do?  Take some of the attention away from the adopters?  Maybe cry and show more grief than the adopters?  Really ~ I would love to know what they thought would happen with this young mother and sister of their supposedly beloved adopted daughter attending the funeral. 

I didn't think that I would ever use the word adopter as I have here.  But the people who adopted this little girl, breaking the promise of open adoption, denying the mother answers of her health status, suing the mother, then denying the attendance at the funeral of this innocent little girl... they do not deserve the title of mother or father, adoptive mother or adoptive father.  They are evil, mean hearted people who will surely rot in a special hell all their own. 

Missing Him

So Blue Missing You

I miss Christopher....

I want so badly to see him again. I want to hear his voice. I want to hear his laughter. I want to simply just watch him be.

No.  That's not entirely the truth...

It's more than a want.  My heart and my soul needs to see him, to hear him, to just be with him...

I dream of spending time with him.  Of talking to him simply as mother and son.  Not as two people dancing around the years lost, around unknown boundaries, dancing around the fear of words said and unsaid. 

I don't know what has triggered this. These last few days I have been overwhelmed with it.  I miss my son with all of my being...

Maybe it is brought on by the passing of time.  Or by his continued silence.  Although when he does write he seems to write "deeper" than he used to...    I haven't seen him since last April.  Almost a year ago.  Which is more than many of you have had with your loved ones lost to adoption, I know.

But.

I still miss him...

Me - With No Apologies!

I Am Me

As the title of this blog says, reunion with my son wasn't only about finding and getting to know my son lost to adoption, it is also about finding myself. 

When I was a pregnant teenager in 1979, I took on the shame that society was only more than willing to dole out.  I no longer took into consideration all the good things I had done/did in my life ~ it was the "bad" I had done that I used to define my life.  I took on the secrecy of shame.  I thought that if anyone knew the "real" me ~ the me that *gasp* had sex at 15, became pregnant, then gave my baby away ~ they wouldn't like me.  Or worse yet, that they would hate me or think me to be a mean, uncaring person. 

I was already a "people pleaser", I already was one to avoid confrontation due to the crazy family life I was growing up in.  The shame of being an unwed mother who gave a child up for adoption just deepened this in me.  I set out to only show people the "nice" side of me.  To prove that after all, I REALLY WAS a good girl! 

The only time I felt that I could truly be myself was when I was with my life-long friend that I grew up with, as well as with a few girls we became friends with after I returned to high school after Christopher was born.  They all knew, understood, and loved me ~ the REAL me ~ even though... no matter what.  Until recently, it was only when I was with this wonderful group of friends that I could really be myself, that I could let down all my walls and just be. 

My friends & I ~ The Fab Five

With getting to know my son, getting to know myself, I now know that one bad decision didn't define my life.  Not saying "no" that one fateful night isn't my entire being.  Choosing adoption for my firstborn son doesn't define my love, my parenting ability, anything about me. 

Changing who I was, who I let people think that I was, sadly wasn't limited  to my teenage years.  I continued that into adulthood.  When my children were little I was the PTA volunteer, treasurer, president.  I was the go-to person for the school & teachers when they needed someone to do anything extra.  I wasn't a failure as a mother because I gave up my firstborn child, I was a wonder-mom to my raised kids.  At least that's the persona I took on when dealing with their schools.  12 years ago when my husband moved us to this tiny village where he grew up, I became The Church Lady.  The church lady who was always ready and willing to help with the funeral dinners, to teach CCD, any and everything that needed a volunteer.  I wasn't the stupid 15 year old who didn't know how to say no, who gave her child up for adoption.  I was a GOOD person damn it!!  I would have been mortified if any of my small-town friends, fellow church goers, my hubbies family who has lived here for generations, would have seen me being myself with my girlfriends.  Oh the horrors if they had seen me being the loudest laughing one in the group.  If they had seen me enjoying some Cap'n and talking way too much and way too loudly. If they heard us talking nasty or sometimes cussing like sailors ...

I no longer compartmentalize all the parts of my personality.  From the beginning of this journey of finding myself, I have tried to live an authentic life.  I'm still working on that, but Brene Brown and her wonderful website Ordinary Courage has helped me begin.  I stumbled onto an old post of hers the other day, and as I read these words:

Part of midlife is scooping up all the different versions of yourself that you’ve created to please folks, and integrating them into one whole, authentic person. This is tough work for me. I’m so good at assessing exactly who I need to be and when I need to be it. It’s really too bad that "alternating" eventually sucks your soul right out of your body.

In addition to curbing the chameleon action, the other part of integrating has been the very painful process of reconnecting with the parts of myself that I orphaned over the years. You know – the parts of ourselves that we abandon because they get in the way of who and what we need to be now.

 ..they made me realize how much I used to do that.  I also realized just how much my life has changed these last three years.  Three years ago I was the champion chameleon!  Now?

I am a million different things. 
At a million different times. 
I am ME. 
I am me with no apologies!

I'm far from being done on my journey.  I've put so much into place, but I have so much more to figure out...  But that's another story for another day!

For Those Separated By Adoption

For all of you mothers and fathers of adoption loss who have unanswered questions.  Find your answers!

For all of you adult adoptees who have unanswered questions.  Find your answers!

For 29 years I believed that it wasn't my right to search for my son lost to adoption.  After all, I was the one who gave him away!  Who was I to butt into his life?  If all my prayers for him had been answered, he was happy and completely loved by the family who adopted him.  Why would I interrupt his happiness by barging into his life unexpectedly, probably unwanted by him? 

Not only did I feel that it wasn't my right, and even though I knew that it couldn't be true ~ I had been told that it would be against the law to EVER seek out my son.  My brain told me that a law such as that could not truly exist, however the "good girl" in me couldn't go against what I had been told. 

In 2008 I had begun to realize that many of the problems in my life were due to the denial I lived in.  Denial of the depth of the effects of the loss of my son to adoption.  Denial of the depth of the feelings that I had for my son.  Denial of the basic fact that I was even a "mother" to Christopher.  The River of Denial ran swift and deep through every aspect of my life. The constant worrying and the symphony of questions about Christopher were eating away at me, compounding the damage done by denial.

I had decided that the adoption loss had to be dealt with in order for me to begin to fully live my life.  2009 was going to start with me finding a counselor to get my shit together and then I was going to actively search for Christopher to finally have my questions answered. 

As luck would have it, that wonderful search angel Kim matched my profile with Christopher's just three days before I was going to begin my journey of healing.  Adoption reunion was happening before I could deal with the reality of what adoption loss had done to my life. 

Looking back, I believe that the timing of that happened for a reason.  The chances of my finding a therapist who wasn't drowning in the sunshine and rainbows of adoption were (are) slim and none.  I could very well have been talked out of ever searching for Christopher.  I could have been drowned again in that sunshine and rainbows myself.

Reunion forced me out of denial, forced me out of the adoption closet. 

Reunion was the second hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my entire life.  {The hardest thing was the loss of Christopher to adoption in the first place.)  Reunion didn't even match the emotions, terror, or grief of watching my mom suffer for 10 years and then die from Lupus. 

Reunion is also the best thing that has happened in my life.  It took almost three years for my world to stop spinning.  But it was SO worth it.  The saying is true ~ The truth shall set you free. 

Yes, there were many times in the last three years that I thought I had made a mistake. Times I wondered if it hadn't been easier living in denial.  There were times that I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest, leaving me dead on the floor.  There were times that I was terrified that I was going to be lost in the depths of that hole in my heart ~ the hole left by the loss of my son. 

If you have a loved one lost to adoption, but are scared of searching ~ Do it anyways.
If you want to search for your loved one, but worry that you will be intruding into their life ~ Do it anyways.
If you are afraid of being "found" by someone lost to you through adoption ~ Do it anyways.

The hardest things you may ever face could very well be the most wondrous thing you could ever do for yourself!

Is it easy?  Absolutely not.

Is it worth it?  Absolutely!!!

Three Years Ago ~ A Search Angel Changed My Life

Three years ago today I found the first emails from a Search Angel and from Christopher.  Three years ago my life changed.  Completely.  I had no idea of the roller-coaster ride I had just gotten on, all I knew that day was extreme happiness and relief.  There aren't even words for what that I felt in that moment ~ I imagine that only those who have also been in that moment can really know.

I will never forget speaking with that wonderful Search Angel Kim.  I have to laugh again remembering the confusion when I first heard her lovely southern accent.  I thought I was speaking with Christopher's mom, so when I heard the accent I wondered why in the world they sent my son so far south!  After telling me that she wasn't his mom, she was a search angel, Kim told me that Christopher was healthy and happy.  I asked if he got good parents and she told me that he had wonderful parents.  That news brought on the happiest tears I have ever cried!  I asked her how she knew the two questions I most needed answers to and she told me she was a search angel who had been reunited with her own daughter lost to adoption so she knew all too well what my long awaited questions were. 

At that time, I had no idea what a search angel was. 

In that moment I knew that angels truly do walk amongst us! 

If you are searching for a loved one lost to adoption, don't pay for someone (especially the adoption agency) to search for you.  There are many, many search angels out there helping us. 

If you are searching, the first thing you need to do is sign up on some on-line registries.  There are many free ones, start with them. 

The first one you should sign up with is ISSR, a mutual consent reunion registry.  

The registry at adoption.com is the one I had signed up on, that Kim found when looking for me.  You can search through the registries there as well as sign up in case someone is looking for you. 

Claud has a wonderful page with a lot of info about search and reunion. 

If you have any questions, leave them in the comments or send me an email at findingchristopher at gmail dot com.  I'm no search angel, but I would be more than happy to help you find your loved ones lost to adoption!