Adoption and Rejection ~ from those who live it

There was an interesting discussion among several adopted people yesterday on facebook.  As I was reading the replies to the question posed, I was thinking that any mother considering adoption for her unborn child should have to read it also.  For you cannot go into a fully informed decision for adoption until you have learned about how that choice might possibly effect your child in the future.

The discussion was about the Psychology Today article "10 Surprising Facts About Rejection".  A question was posed asking if others who were adopted felt that #10 on the list ("10. There are ways to treat the psychological wounds rejection inflicts.") was true for those who were adopted.  Below is the question posed and some of the replies.  I asked if it would be ok to post their discussion here ~ some preferred I use their names and some preferred to stay anonymous. 

Thanks to all of you who allowed me to share this discussion!

The Question:

Adoptees, I would like you to share your thoughts on this article. We all face rejection, and we all know it runs viral among the adopted. I see myself in a lot of the traits posted in this column. I don't see #10 in the same light as the author. Thoughts?

 When I began delving into adoption it was the same day as my discovery coming up on 8-years-ago. I was very surprised when I learned that rejection is an adopted person's hugest trigger. While everyone fears rejection, it is 10-fold among we adoptees. "The Primal Wound" details how relinquished babies experience a rejection as soon as we are removed from our mothers. It is a trauma we never overcome.

I cannot totally agree with #10. While there are treatments for feelings of rejection and abandonment, no one I know of has as of yet cured "the primal wound." If someone were to I know they would make millions. Have any of you cured the Primal Wound?

"Number 10 feels off to me, too. We may think we've gotten past feeling a certain way, but something can send us down the rabbit hole where we feel old stings anew. At least "I" do. I hesitate to say we, but I know I've heard other express similar feelings over the years.
I think the best I can do is learn to cope with my emotions and everything that goes along with them better. For me, this is a lifelong process of constantly tweaking my thinking and how I treat myself."

"I can't cure the Primal Wound, but sometimes I can slap a big enough bandaid on it so that I can cope."

"I don't feel we can *fix* the Primal Wound.... Only learn coping skills. Not a professional - but I have lived it."

"They may not be taking into account trauma that occurs in infancy. There's definitely a difference because the infant has no knowledge of it's self before the trauma. Check out www.lifeworkscommunity.com for more about this. They also have a page on FB. Paul Sunderland also has a video on YouTube, "Lecture on Adoption", where he talks about this. He's from the UK and trained for many years in addiction. He found such a strong link between adoption and addiction that he began looking deeper into the effects of adoption (or relinquishment, as he calls it). He talks extensively about PTSD. Very interesting!"

"damn, just reading that article...makes me feel hurt."

"Very interesting, especially 7 and 9 for me"

Holly Carter: "You can't correct the Primal Wound. We don't have a self before the actual wound. We can't go back to before because there is no before. We are severed forever and will always carry that with us. While it can be put in the closet and set on a shelf, every so often, when entering the closet, it can jump off the shelf at the most inappropriate times. Also, until society realizes that we have this real pain with adoption and society allows us to grieve our loss, there won't be a real healing of this rejection. I feel it is always there, we just learn to live with it & put it aside & it will erupt at any given time, weather we realize it or not. I'm pretty sure that's why I can talk circles around people when I don't really want to answer a question or discuss something. Hope this makes sense."

"I can see how someone with an adoption rejection experience could find him/herself with twice as much time as others just thinking and anticipating a rejection before it even happens. It's like hiking 200 ft up a hill and back tracking 200 ft and going back up again....the stress is at maximum"

"Holly states it very well…there is no cure for the Primal Wound……Before I read that book, I also read Being Adopted the life long search for self and between the two books…It was such an epiphany for me on how I maneuvered my life…not to risk..not to trust….leave a relationship before one can leave me….Divorce rate is higher among adoptees as well according to a book I read…Our adoptee issues always seems to be there…it is how we manage it all so it doesn't get too overwhelming at one time or moment…"

"I agree that there is no cure for the primal wound, & I've often wondered if those of us that are adopted are so conditioned to it that we subconsciously set ourselves up for more rejection by subtle things like body language & facial expressions, especially to people who tend to be human predators whose skills are honed to smell fear & pounce on it."

From a natural mother: "The saddest thing to me is how much I wanted my daughter. I wasn't looking to abandon. I was told the biggest lie of coercion; If you love her enough you will allow her to have the nuclear family she deserves. No one told me she would feel abandoned or have any negative effects about adoption. And that's why I do what I can to help young pregnant women know the truth. My apology from all of your mothers."

"in reading number 10 I would say it falls along the line with PEER therapy…releasing all the stored negative emotions that exist in the body…self soothing only works so well and having other people soothe us is not always realistic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3euHCetX34"

"my birth mother was told the same set of lies. It took me awhile to fill her in about my not-so-positive adoption experience and she was devastated to find out things weren't all rosy as she was promised. Young women in distress are prone and want to believe the best case scenarios, especially if those around them are all sending the same message. Adoption should be a last resort, not looked at as the perfect solution."

Jodi Gibson Haywood:  "#10 sounds kind of vague. Rejection definitely does not respond to reason or logical thought, especially with adoption wounds. Decades after the fact I discovered I wasn't actually given up, but taken in a family abduction. That did nothing to ease the pain of rejection. The primal wound is incurable. Some days the pain can be managed better than others."

"I think that the important part of #10 is, "To do so effectively we must address each of our psychological wounds... " Because our emotions run HOT it is very hard to stop long enough to calmly and coolly "address" our wounds. Personal experience - I was told by a cousin that I was not wanted. Not by my Mother or Father - No one wanted me. My Mom and Dad felt sorry for me so they took me in. Sound familiar?? Then when I was in grade school a classmate told me that being adopted meant that my Mother was a prostitute!! Lovely, eh. Well, my Mom (at this point - the 50s) was very forthcoming with what she had been told (which proved to be true) so my wound was bandaged by what she told me... BUT throughout my life I have heard the same crap over and over about adoptees and/or why children are surrendered for adoption. It is a very sore point with me. After two years of addressing this point with a useless - USELESS - therapist (?) in my early 20s, I talked to a neighbor who was a Psychiatrist and he asked me one simple question (that I would never have heard or thought of in an emotional fervor), "Did your cousin, schoolmate, or any of these people who say that your or anyone else's Mothers didn't want them know the Mothers?" Because of my own personal life situation at the time I was able to look back at these situation and realize that all of these people (or their parents who had planted the idea in their heads) were all talking out of their asses. This was not the end of having to deal with feelings of being "other" or not good enough But it was the beginning of awakening and working for reform."

Wendy Blitzer Barkett: "Tylenol??? Really??? Tylenol actually makes me feel the need to throw up, perhaps now I know why. It's trying to fight with rejection, and rejection wins out every time.
Someone mentioned the band aide and that I can relate to. I had no idea that I pushed people to see how long it would take them to leave, to reject me, to walk away. I knew I did it, I never knew why. It was when I pushed my husband while we were engaged that the fear that he might actually leave hit me. For the first time, I was pushing someone away that I didn't want to leave, and so I stopped, for the most part.
Years later I read about rejection and abandonment and being an adoptee and how they all related to each other.
I don't think we can ever cure it, or heal it per say. Make it less painful, yes, for sure. Even tylenol will do that!
But there are plenty of healthy, as well as rather unhealthy ways, to erase the rejection feelings. Some refer to healing their inner child. I can't relate to that. If there ever is a cure, or a clinical study, I'd be sure to think about giving it a shot. Until then I just ignore it."

Jodi Gibson Haywood:  "the fact is that prolonged separation from your mother, as a baby or young child, is automatically perceived as rejection because we're not capable of understanding the circumstances behind it. Whether we were abandoned, abducted, or orphaned in the true sense of the word, it feels the same. It also makes us especially vulnerable to - and traumatized by - subsequent rejections. My healing is coming from acknowledging the primal wound while not allowing it to define me. Not an easy thing to do, but less negative side effects than the self-destructive stuff I did before."

"I do believe there is a way to address and treat our wounds. One way is to be aware of self defeating behavior that may elicit rejection and make changes in our imteractions with others. I have done this in my own life. Am I "cured"? Of all wounds? No. But the pain lessons with time. Like cully mentioned about those people who didn't know what they were talking about, sometimes logic can help me see that it isn't just me walking around wounded. Everyone has their baggage and fears rejection so I have learned not to take it as personal when it happens. Painful? Yes. But I can soothe my wounds by spending time with those who love me and have shown they won't reject me. (Of course this takes trust)."

"Just look in the animal kingdom at how mothers react when separated from their babies…they scream, cry and mourn and their babies if alive do the same…why do we think it should be different for human beings? I think that the loss is so understood by so many in the subconscious and for that reason no one really wants to talk about…it's unthinkable and yet is happens all the time. These are defenses we have and our mothers have, and the goal is SURVIVAL. It's so devastating, so horrible, so unfathomable that these defenses help us and our mothers survive them. I don't believe the primal wound can ever be completely healed, but I do think we can learn new coping skills…since we survived we can do anything!"

The Bond Between A Mother and Her Child

The bond between a mother and her child is naturally sacred. It is physical, psychological and spiritual. It is very resilient and very flexible. It can stretch very far - naturally. Any artificial or violent injury to this "stretch" constitutes a serious psychic trauma to both mother and child - for all eternity. This means that children need their mothers and mothers need their children - whether or not a mother is married or unmarried.

Source: Mothers On Trial, The Battle For Children and Custody, 1986, 1987


  These words are so very, very true.  Adoption loss is forever.  And forever is a very long time...

Pregnant?  Considering adoption?  Go learn.  Click on the tab above "For Mothers Considering Adoption".  Click on any of the blogs on my blog roll to the right.  Go learn from other mothers of adoption loss and from adoptees who are now adults speaking out about growing up adopted. 

 

 

Mother and Child by Gustav Klimt 

 

Beyond "Philomena"

I wish that everyone would watch the movie "Philomena". 

I wish that everyone who saw the movie would know that there are millions of Philomenas ~ not only in Ireland but also in the United States of America, Canada, Australia and many other countries. 

I wish that everyone knew that the horrors shown in "Philomena" are not just of a time gone by.  Mothers and their adult children are still kept apart, are still outright denied and also lied to in order to keep them from finding each other. 

I have read many wonderful articles and blog posts about Philomena ~ the book & movie as well as the strong woman speaking out so many decades later.  I am linking to a couple of posts that have been written in the last couple of days that bring attention to not only Philomena's story, but also the story beyond Philomena.

Yesterday Kathryn Joyce had an article in  RH Reality Check "Philomena Reminds Us That The "Baby Scoop Era" Affected Millions".  If you don't want to read any spoilers to the movie, skip reading the first section, start at "The "Baby Scoop Era"".  Kathryn's article is an excellent review of not just the movie, but of our own Philomenas here in the United States.

This fall, I sat in a room full of mothers at CUB’s annual retreat—women who had relinquished children for adoption ten, 20, or 40 years before. It was a room moved easily to tears, as panel after panel included personal testimonies from women who, decades later, were still hoping to reconnect with their now-adult children, or who had found their children and reunited, only to have them later pull away, overwhelmed by the weight of emotion. No matter how many years they were removed from that loss, the women I met still mourned. And many were still angry.
Representing that anger might have perhaps made Philomena a less palatable film for many mainstream viewers, but as the Post’s review suggests, even a modicum of anger over the sacrosanct institution of adoption can prompt blinding defensiveness.
I thought of this moment when I read that review, imagining that there was no way someone could sit in the midst of that much collective grief and come away to claim that what happened to these women was charity, or remotely a choice. And I thought about it again when I later watched Philomena myself, in a matinee screening in an outer borough of New York, where two women in their 60s remained in their seats, staring at the credits, long after the theater had emptied.

Today Lynn Grubb has an excellent post "My mother is an American Philomena".  She also writes about Kathryn Joyce's article and goes on to write about her own mother, another "Philomena".  Her words brought tears to my eyes.  It was so validating to read an adopted person's words that speak so eloquently and with such understanding for what us mothers faced.  Please go read her entire post, but I am sharing some of what spoke to this mom's heart:

Society shunned people like my mother. My mother was only being human -- doing what people do -- having sex with someone she cared about. The people around her (family, society, authorities) said that because she was single and pregnant, she was bad. That message took root and created the shame that many original mothers live with today.

I do not accept how my mother was treated nor will I stand by and stay silent while new women every day are being shuffled into the Adoption Machine.

"But it was HER choice" . . . you say.

What kind of choices are truly available to women when there is no family support, no societal support and no financial support?

Even today, there are women who fall into this category. I disagree that these women should be persuaded to relinquish their flesh and blood. Instead of feeding the Adoption Machine, we need to have more compassion for women in a crisis pregnancy.

A woman does not need pressuring for or against adoption. . . she needs support in believing that she is good enough to parent her own child, regardless of marital or financial status.

When she believes that she is good enough for her child, then she will begin to look for the resources to parent. If she decides to relinquish, she will have (hopefully) done so from a place of empowerment, not desperation.

Let's stop acting like relinquishing one's child is a panacea to moving on with one's life. Let's acknowledge and embrace the Philomenas walking among us.

They deserve to be heard.

Amen...

Proposed "Baby Veronica" Law brings back memories...

I was just reading the article about the proposed "Baby Veronica" law in Oklahoma.  Reading that the bill would require birth parents to go before a judge to sign away parental rights. I found myself lost in remembering and wondering...

I don't remember if this was before or after Christopher was born.  I think it was after?  I remember sitting in an office talking to a "counselor" about the adoption hearing that would be/had been scheduled.  She was telling me that it was my choice to attend the hearing or not.  She told me that if I attended it I would be sworn in to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.  She then told me that the judge would ask me several questions about why I was giving my child up for adoption.  That he would ask if adoption was truly what I wanted.  She told me that if I told him the truth that he probably wouldn't let me give my baby up.  (For I didn't "want" to give him up ~ I felt that I "had" to give him up.)

I remember the panic.  I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to go in front of that judge and lie to him.  What if he wouldn't "let" me give my baby up?? 

I remember the counselor repeating this process to me a couple of times.  To be sure I understood.  Was she telling me this to ensure that I wouldn't go to court to relinquish my rights ~ so that the judge wouldn't stop the adoption?  Or maybe...  maybe she was trying to get me to see that adoption wasn't what I really wanted nor had to do? 

I wonder...

I do know that if I had been made to go in front of a judge I would not have been able to tell him that I wanted to give my son up for adoption.

Not that this changes anything. 

Just makes me wonder though...

Five Years Ago Today ~

My life changed once again.

Before this day five years ago, I defined my life as "before" and "after".  Before I lost my firstborn son to adoption and after.

At 4:50 pm on January 16, 2009 my life again changed ~ never to be the same again.  Now I have another "after" ~ after reunion!

I learned that Christopher was indeed alive!  And healthy and happy.  And that he grew up with wonderful parents.

What a whirlwind my life became in the days, weeks, months, indeed years became after reading those wonderful first emails!

As in the previous years since then, this year did hold some big moments.  I finally got to meet my handsome and charming 6 year old grandson and sweet little almost 4 year old granddaughter in July.  In September Christopher & family got to meet some of my closest friends when we all traveled east to attend his art gallery opening.  There I also got to see and visit with Christopher's mom again ~ as well as finally meeting his dad, sister & her hubby, and his mother-in-law. 

Life is good...

I don't know if I have ever mentioned that I am a quilter.  I have had some hand-dyed fabrics for several months but I didn't know what I was going to do with them.  The fabrics were a set of browns called "Earth" and a set of fire colors called "Fire".  They were too beautiful to cut into just willy nilly so they have been sitting on my cutting table for me to look at whenever I was in my sewing room.  One day a couple of weeks ago I was looking at some photos of my son and his artwork when suddenly I knew what those fabrics were supposed to be!  The process of creating this piece became a meditation for me.  As I sewed (and ripped out many seams!) I thought about our (Christopher & I) relationship compared to earth & fire, to firing ceramics in a wood-fired kiln.  The quilt turned out beautifully ~ I named it "Of The Earth ~ Into The Fire".  Where every quilt I'm working on/finishing at the moment seems to be my favorite one, I think this one might stay at the top of the list for a while!

"Of The Earth ~ Into The Fire" and the inspiration behind it

Are You or Is Your Daughter Facing Unexpected Pregnancy?

I still get many hits from google searches for this topic. 

I have added some new blog posts/articles to my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page. 

I try to keep this updated so that people landing here in the panic of unexpected pregnancy can learn that adoption isn't all sunshine and rainbows. 

Nor is adoption ever an "easy" answer to what is being perceived as a "problem" that needs to be solved.  It is often however a permanent solution to a temporary problem!

Adoption is forever.

And forever is a very long time.

You don't only lose your child, you lose your motherhood.  And future grandchildren.

Please go and read ~ learn as much as you can before you make a choice for or against adoption!

Adoption Loss - It should be so simple...

I

Just

Don't

Get

It...


It should be so simple...

Why can't people SEE and UNDERSTAND the foundation of adoption?

Yes, when it's necessary adoption can be a wonderful thing.

BUT...

It's built upon great loss and tragedy.  Necessary due to abuse of any sort?  That's still a tragedy.  Necessary due to finances?  Necessary due to the mother being made to feel she's not good enough for some temporary reason?  That's even more tragic. 

Did you read that?  Adoption is built upon a foundation of great loss and tragedy.  Adoption cannot happen without a family facing unimaginable loss and trauma that lasts a lifetime. 

The beauty of adoption doesn't take away the ugly of relinquishment. 

The story of adoption should be:
   Yes ~ it's tragic what happened.  Thank God that a family was found for this child who has already suffered such great loss.  Thank God for this family who understands the great loss involved and will honor all that goes along with that loss. 

Adoption is supposed to be about finding a family for a child who needs one.

But that's not how the story goes...

Adoption has become nothing more than finding a child for a family who needs wants one. 

Oh ~ and the unregulated $13 Billion/year industry that is at the heart of it all.

Then we have the cries "But what about the infertiles?"  "They have so much love to give"  "They suffer such grief from their empty arms".

What about them indeed.  I have great sympathy and empathy for women who are unable to conceive or carry a baby to term.  I really do ~ I cannot begin to imagine the depth of that loss.

I just don't get why it's ok for the mother of adoption loss to live with that life-long deep grief and loss but it's not ok for an infertile woman to live with it...

I

Just

Don't

Get

It...