Proposed "Baby Veronica" Law brings back memories...

I was just reading the article about the proposed "Baby Veronica" law in Oklahoma.  Reading that the bill would require birth parents to go before a judge to sign away parental rights. I found myself lost in remembering and wondering...

I don't remember if this was before or after Christopher was born.  I think it was after?  I remember sitting in an office talking to a "counselor" about the adoption hearing that would be/had been scheduled.  She was telling me that it was my choice to attend the hearing or not.  She told me that if I attended it I would be sworn in to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.  She then told me that the judge would ask me several questions about why I was giving my child up for adoption.  That he would ask if adoption was truly what I wanted.  She told me that if I told him the truth that he probably wouldn't let me give my baby up.  (For I didn't "want" to give him up ~ I felt that I "had" to give him up.)

I remember the panic.  I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to go in front of that judge and lie to him.  What if he wouldn't "let" me give my baby up?? 

I remember the counselor repeating this process to me a couple of times.  To be sure I understood.  Was she telling me this to ensure that I wouldn't go to court to relinquish my rights ~ so that the judge wouldn't stop the adoption?  Or maybe...  maybe she was trying to get me to see that adoption wasn't what I really wanted nor had to do? 

I wonder...

I do know that if I had been made to go in front of a judge I would not have been able to tell him that I wanted to give my son up for adoption.

Not that this changes anything. 

Just makes me wonder though...

Five Years Ago Today ~

My life changed once again.

Before this day five years ago, I defined my life as "before" and "after".  Before I lost my firstborn son to adoption and after.

At 4:50 pm on January 16, 2009 my life again changed ~ never to be the same again.  Now I have another "after" ~ after reunion!

I learned that Christopher was indeed alive!  And healthy and happy.  And that he grew up with wonderful parents.

What a whirlwind my life became in the days, weeks, months, indeed years became after reading those wonderful first emails!

As in the previous years since then, this year did hold some big moments.  I finally got to meet my handsome and charming 6 year old grandson and sweet little almost 4 year old granddaughter in July.  In September Christopher & family got to meet some of my closest friends when we all traveled east to attend his art gallery opening.  There I also got to see and visit with Christopher's mom again ~ as well as finally meeting his dad, sister & her hubby, and his mother-in-law. 

Life is good...

I don't know if I have ever mentioned that I am a quilter.  I have had some hand-dyed fabrics for several months but I didn't know what I was going to do with them.  The fabrics were a set of browns called "Earth" and a set of fire colors called "Fire".  They were too beautiful to cut into just willy nilly so they have been sitting on my cutting table for me to look at whenever I was in my sewing room.  One day a couple of weeks ago I was looking at some photos of my son and his artwork when suddenly I knew what those fabrics were supposed to be!  The process of creating this piece became a meditation for me.  As I sewed (and ripped out many seams!) I thought about our (Christopher & I) relationship compared to earth & fire, to firing ceramics in a wood-fired kiln.  The quilt turned out beautifully ~ I named it "Of The Earth ~ Into The Fire".  Where every quilt I'm working on/finishing at the moment seems to be my favorite one, I think this one might stay at the top of the list for a while!

"Of The Earth ~ Into The Fire" and the inspiration behind it

Are You or Is Your Daughter Facing Unexpected Pregnancy?

I still get many hits from google searches for this topic. 

I have added some new blog posts/articles to my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page. 

I try to keep this updated so that people landing here in the panic of unexpected pregnancy can learn that adoption isn't all sunshine and rainbows. 

Nor is adoption ever an "easy" answer to what is being perceived as a "problem" that needs to be solved.  It is often however a permanent solution to a temporary problem!

Adoption is forever.

And forever is a very long time.

You don't only lose your child, you lose your motherhood.  And future grandchildren.

Please go and read ~ learn as much as you can before you make a choice for or against adoption!

Adoption Loss - It should be so simple...

I

Just

Don't

Get

It...


It should be so simple...

Why can't people SEE and UNDERSTAND the foundation of adoption?

Yes, when it's necessary adoption can be a wonderful thing.

BUT...

It's built upon great loss and tragedy.  Necessary due to abuse of any sort?  That's still a tragedy.  Necessary due to finances?  Necessary due to the mother being made to feel she's not good enough for some temporary reason?  That's even more tragic. 

Did you read that?  Adoption is built upon a foundation of great loss and tragedy.  Adoption cannot happen without a family facing unimaginable loss and trauma that lasts a lifetime. 

The beauty of adoption doesn't take away the ugly of relinquishment. 

The story of adoption should be:
   Yes ~ it's tragic what happened.  Thank God that a family was found for this child who has already suffered such great loss.  Thank God for this family who understands the great loss involved and will honor all that goes along with that loss. 

Adoption is supposed to be about finding a family for a child who needs one.

But that's not how the story goes...

Adoption has become nothing more than finding a child for a family who needs wants one. 

Oh ~ and the unregulated $13 Billion/year industry that is at the heart of it all.

Then we have the cries "But what about the infertiles?"  "They have so much love to give"  "They suffer such grief from their empty arms".

What about them indeed.  I have great sympathy and empathy for women who are unable to conceive or carry a baby to term.  I really do ~ I cannot begin to imagine the depth of that loss.

I just don't get why it's ok for the mother of adoption loss to live with that life-long deep grief and loss but it's not ok for an infertile woman to live with it...

I

Just

Don't

Get

It...

National Adoption Awareness Month - Day 1

Today is the first day of National Adoption Awareness Month.  I am going to try to post often during this NAAM ~ focusing on adoptees since that's what adoption is supposed to be about!

This month was created to bring awareness to the children who are available for adoption through foster care.  However, the adoption industry has high-jacked it to be a month long advertisement for their multi-Billion $$ per year industry. 

Adoption in the case of getting kids out of foster care is a wonderful thing ~ every child deserves to be raised in a loving and caring family. 

Adoption in the case of domestic infant adoption is completely different from foster care adoption. 

Adoption ~ even when an absolute necessity such as a mother and father having no desire to raise their child, or if abuse is a part of their lives ~ adoption is built upon loss.  Even if the adoption is a storybook example, that doesn't take away the fact that the infant had to lose everything in order to be adopted. 

The message of awareness that I would like to get across is that adoption should be a last resort.  Adoption is supposed to be about providing a loving home to a child who NEEDS one.  It should never be about providing a child to a home that WANTS one. 

Adoption today is different ~ they say.  Yes, it is different.  We can no longer say that adoption is only sunshine and rainbows for all involved.  There are too many people telling their stories, too many studies easily available.  It is  known now the life-long effects of adoption on those adopted, the natural mothers, as well as the adoptive parents.  It is time that people in the general public became aware of the reality of adoption and quit allowing the adoption industry to sell it's lies. 

Adoption today is built upon a foundation of loss and lies.  Even in an era of open adoption adoptees are still denied the truth of their own birth.  Only a few states allow all adoptees to receive a factual copy of their birth information.  What a crime that is! 

Speaking of lies in adoption, for this first day of National Adoption Awareness Month 2013, I'm going to share a request from an adult adoptee:

Dear Friends,
I am working on a slide show and power point presentation on the history of lies and corruption in adoption. one of the sections includes lies surrounding our adoptions. I would like to show the photo of the person along with 3 or 4 sentences describing the lies, corruption, or deceit.

Please consider participating in this by private messaging me your story along with any photo you are comfortable sharing. This will be presented by me in November at a conference on adoption with the primary audience comprised of a-parents and social workers. I want to sock people in the gut with this seminar.

Also, please spread the word. I would like tons of these experiences to pick through; especially lies propagated through agencies and case-workers.

Thanks,
Jeff Hancock

 You can share your lies with Jeff through his facebook page.  If you aren't fb friends with Jeff, send them to me and I will forward them to him ~ either message me through my facebook page or email them to me at findingchristopher at gmail.  Jeff is looking for photos/messages from adoptees as well as natural moms & dads. 

Here is what I'm sending to Jeff:

I was told that I wasn't allowed to see or hold my son when he was born.  Yet I was allowed a one hour visit with him when he was three weeks old ~ doing my best to be a "good birthmother" so I didn't even consider easing my heartbreak and raising him myself.  I was also told that I would be breaking the law if I EVER searched for him. Thank goodness I didn't care if it was true or not and signed up on some reunion registries online making it possible for my son to find me!  After almost 30 years I was finally able to learn that he was indeed alive ~ as well as healthy and happy. 

Some Big Moments Have Happened

I have tried a few times to write here these last several months, but so much of what I wanted to write about seemed too personal.  There was too much of Christopher in the telling of what I wanted to write...

Or I was too mad and the post became a huge rant as we all got proof that adoption is no longer about what is best for the child ~ it's all about the money paid and received...


Some big moments have happened in this adoption reunion journey of ours.

In July  ~

 I met Christopher's wife & children! 

 There are no words 

~ the joy in finally looking into the eyes of my grandson & granddaughter

~to at last meet his beautiful wife 

(who was/is an instrumental part of Christopher 

continuing to move forward in this relationship)

The night was magic ~

I was thoroughly entertained by a very
beyond-his-years 6 year old with no front teeth.  

An adorable little 3 year old who didn't say two words at the restaurant
who opened up completely at home where I heard the sweetest words

"Grandma, will you please read me my favorite book?".  

In August ~

An art gallery was showing Christopher's work
and I wasn't going to miss opening night!

Driving to the gallery that night,
I was excited to see Christopher, 

his lovely wife and kids

as well as his mom again

to finally meet his dad in person.  

to introduce my life-long friends who came along.

However...

The in-laws, cousins, sister & husband, 

friends who were going to be there 

had me getting lost in fear.  

of judgement

in the insecurity of my place in his life... 

While completely enjoying the time at the gallery ~

feeling so proud of Christopher, 

seeing his beautiful artwork in a gallery.

Feeling so full of happiness watching him talk with my friends

Meeting his dad, sister and brother-in-law.  

Deep inside however ~

I was lost in the worrying
what did his extended family think of me being there?

Did they look at me as the intruder who didn't belong?  

As the whore who became pregnant so young?  

As the horrible mother who gave her child away?  

*sigh*

Feeling "not good enough"
Again...

Then in the days afterward ~

anger at myself for going to that place of deep insecurity

confused as to why I let that happen... 

In the weeks since then I have been reading some of my old blog posts,
some of my favorite blog posts by others.
I wish I had read them before the gallery opening... 

Especially these words from a post I wrote three years ago~

I realized that I was choosing to let other people's attitudes take away from my authenticity.

Nobody can take away my motherhood. I cannot un-birth any of my children, even the son I did not raise.

I don't want to live in the damn closet anymore, nobody can force me back in there.

Nobody can tell me that Christopher is any less my child than the children I raised. The love I feel for him is no less than the love I have for all my children.
 

When we were together on Saturday, it was as mother and son, not strangers.

If that makes anyone uncomfortable, I don't care. It is the truth!

In another old favorite post from Tiny Budda I learned that
Sometimes We Need To Go Backward...

“Sometimes, you feel as though you are riding the bicycle backwards. You feel like you are backtracking and heading in the wrong direction, but really what’s happening is contraction and release. The universe is preparing you for something much greater and like a sling shot, it’s going to shoot you forward—you just have to move backwards for a little bit.”

And so ~
I have been shot forward.
I'm feeling strong in living my truth again.
Even stronger than before.


Just in time for November...

What Can A Tiny Baby Know?

A great article from Adoptee Voices Magazine by Karl Stenske:

"Adoptee View, What Can A Tiny Baby Know?" 

I have added this post on my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page.  Any expectant mother considering adoption must learn of the possible effects relinquishment could have on their child.

While this article is a great one, there is much more to be learned from all of the comments on it.  Great discussion, many adult adoptees speaking out of their experience of being adopted.