A Knife To The Heart

I had a wonderful day today.  Opening Day of deer hunting season is a almost a bigger holiday than Christmas around here!  The hubby's family are a deer hunting family.  The men folk little and big (and one niece) get up early to go kill Bambi and family, while the women folk cook all morning and gather at noon at the in-laws for the big Hunter's Lunch.  The wives, kids, and now their kids all gather for the lunch too. 

The hunters slowly trickle in around noon, showing off their trophies or sharing stories of the ones seen, not seen, the ones who got away.  The Nebraska game was on then so the guys even got to enjoy a bit of the game before heading back out again. 

I love the family I married into.  We all get along wonderfully, we truly enjoy getting together.  As I was sitting in the kitchen listening to my kids with their cousins today, telling stories of years gone by, I was overwhelmed with joy.  It is so wonderful to see your children as adults being great friends.  Then it hit me.  Actually, it was more like being stabbed.  If only...

If only ALL my children could have been there. 

No matter the occasion, whenever all my kids are together, or all my grandkids.  It's never complete. 

That's what adoption does to a family.  Tears it apart. 


Another thing you don't realize you are giving up when you give up a child for adoption.

They don't tell you that you are already a family.  Even if it's just the mother and infant, you are still a family. A family that should be honored and cherished, not torn apart.  For even decades later, the pain of the loss of that child is like a knife stabbing you in what is left of your heart.

Susie

Another Song and A Veteran's Day Salute

I don't remember exactly when I first heard this song.  But hearing the first two notes is all it takes to send me right back to where I was when I first heard it.  It wasn't long after reunion, I was still reeling from the surprise of it all, just beginning to come out of the fog.  Trace wrote this song about the loss of his first wife, but it sure is spot on for my feelings about the loss of my son to adoption!

Tags: I Can't Outrun You, Trace Adkins, Trace Adkins Videos

Especially these lyrics:

...You're in my heart
You're in my mind
Everywhere ahead
Everywhere behind
Every turn I take
You're right around the bend
It's like your ghost is chasing me
When I'm awake
When I'm asleep
There's a part of you in every part of me
And I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you...

Thought there might just come a time
I wouldn't regret tellin' you goodbye
But lookin' back
Should'a realized
I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you

 Another Trace Adkins song that brings goosebumps (especially in the last minute of the video) ~ in honor of Veteran's Day. 
Freedom isn't free ~ I thank and honor all those who have fought and will continue to fight for my freedom.

 

Susie
Ok - I will admit it...  Trace gives me goosebumps singing any song, not just these two!  When he asks "Do Ya Wanna?"  
*breathless* 
yeah...  I do!!  

Adoption Awareness ~ The Roller Coaster Ride

When I was first reunited with Christopher, I had NO idea what a ride I was in for!  Even though I had decided that 2009 was the year I was going to face my past, the loss of my son, and begin to search for him ~ I was still deeply in denial and in the adoption closet. 

I had no idea that my time-line of reunion was going to be turned inside out ~ we were reunited first, there was no "searching" necessary, and the facing of my past happened at high-speed because of that.  If you don't know about the beginnings of our reunion, you can go read about that wonderful day here. 

Photo by TempestPhotography

Christopher and I have been in reunion for almost three years.  You would think in that amount of time that I would be used to the roller-coaster ride of emotions that adoption reunion brings.  You would think I would remember that every time I have gotten lost in worrying things are not going well between us, I have been proven wrong!  

How amazing that one little email can raise my emotions up from a puddle on the ground, have me smiling and reassured again.  And yet, how sad is that also?

Will the day ever come that I'm not reduced to feeling like that wounded 15 year old girl again? 

(There's two more things to add to the list of things you don't know about when you are thinking about giving your child up for adoption.  The endless roller-coaster ride and the fact that in some ways you are stunted at the place and age you were when you faced the biggest trauma of your life ~ losing your child to adoption.)

Last night I sent Christopher a short email, not needing or expecting a reply, just a "thinking of you" note.  This morning I found an email from him, opening up a bit about his upcoming surgery and repeating his desire to stay positive through all of this.  I have been worrying for nothing again.  I know that he does care for me and loves me.  I still suspect that "we" are just too much for him to think about right now as all of his thoughts and energy are being put towards the immediate future, his surgery and recovery.  As they should be!

After reading and responding to his email, I then saw the new replies to last nights post.  I smiled as I read what Laurie wrote ~ she was so right!  And after receiving Christopher's email today, I do believe as she said: "You've come this far, I know that you'll move further along in this journey.".  I have to remember that my son and I were lost to each other for almost 30 years.  It's going to take time to grow our relationship.  I need to look at the big picture, the whole time-line ~ not just this one moment in time.  Last year at this time we had just met in person for the first time.  I wasn't too sure if I would ever see all of my children together ~ and now I have had that joy.  Twice! 

I don't know where this rambling post is going, I just started typing without even an idea of what I was going to write about. 

Since this isn't only adoption (be)awareness month, it's also the month of thanks, I would like to mention a couple of things I am thankful for today. 

I am so very thankful that Christopher was able to open up to me a little about his surgery. 

I am thankful for this up-swing in my emotional reunion roller-coaster ride.

I am so thankful for the wonderful friends I have "met" here in blog-land ~ you all truly make a difference in my life.  It warms my heart to know that there really are others out there who "get me", who understand all this rambling, all the confusion and heart ache ~ and whining!! 

Susie

Adoption Awareness - Adoption Loss is Forever

Why am I having such a hard time finding something to write about?  There is so much to be said about adoption that people aren't aware of.  I guess I'm just wondering if it's even worth it to speak out?  Is it worth digging into something that hurts so badly?  Do the people who need to listen and learn ever really listen and learn?  I wonder...

The main reason I started writing in a blog is to get everything out of my head.  A journal of sorts to help me find myself again.  To find the real me who was buried under decades of denial, under the false beliefs I had of myself due to adoption loss.  

Here I am, 90 published posts, more than two years later, and I'm still lost. 

I have let go of many of the false beliefs I had of myself.  I know that I wasn't a "bad girl" simply because of one bad decision.  I know that I really was a mother, not just an egg donor and incubator for Christopher's "real parents".  I know that I wasn't stupid for choosing adoption, I simply didn't know (most importantly didn't have) any options.    I know that it wasn't luck that brought my husband into my life "even though" I was "one of those girls".  Most importantly, I know I could have been a great mom to Christopher if I had only been given a chance.

I have come out of the closet of adoption since starting this blog.  I speak out of my son and his adoption now.  I proudly claim that I am a mother of 4, grandmother of 9.  I'm no longer ashamed of the 15 year old girl I once was.  People are probably sick of me talking out about adoption now.  I will never go back into that damn closet again!  It is too suffocating.  The only winners in a mother of adoption loss being in the closet is the adoption industry.  I won't ever be one of their pawns again!

I am no longer in denial.  Although I sure as hell would love to go visit there now and then for a day or so.  

"Lost" by Shellie

But I still feel lost.  I'm still a mother without her child.  Yes, I know where he is.  I know he's alive and happy.  (I wish I could say he's healthy.  If my prayers are answered, he will be healthy again, he will feel better than he has in years after recovering from surgery later this month.)  I have had the absolute joy of seeing him in person, holding him in my arms, looking into his eyes.  I am so very lucky in that ~ many moms I have come to know still don't know that joy.  But.  I'm still lost.  I don't know how my son feels about me.  I don't know if he even really wants me to still be in his life.  Does he think of me as a mom, mother in any way?  I can't just pick up the phone and call him like I do my other kids.  I can't just go visit him when I have a free weekend.  I can't even plan on being at the hospital when he's undergoing major surgery.  I'm still an outsider in his life, even though we are getting close to three years in reunion. An outsider in my own son's life ~ that hurt is still the same as it was the day I lost him to adoption. 

Will I ever truly and completely find myself?  I really don't think that's possible.  I lost a part of myself, a part of my heart and soul, when I lost my son to adoption.  Once adoption loss enters your life, it is there forever.  And ever.  And ever...
 

 Susie

Adoption Awareness ~ Day 8

A Few Of The Things That Drive Me Crazy

The word "birthmother".  For many reasons, most of all when

• used by pap's or ap's as a possessive term.  Ex: "Our birthmom".  Excuse me ~ the mother gave birth to your child, not to you.  She cannot be your birthmom!
• When shortened to bm.  A mother is not poo.  A bm is a bowel movement folks!

When the adoptee is described as being a "gift".  

• I did not and would not give my son as a gift to strangers I had never met.  Rather I was giving him the gift of two parents.  (Yes, I know now...  but at the time that's what I believed was right.)
• Especially when used as "a gift from God".  This is true, a gift to the mother and father the infant was created by.  God doesn't make mistakes and put an infant in "the wrong tummy"!

Adoptive parents who

• do not understand that love multiplies ~ it doesn't have to be divided.
• do not listen and learn from adoptees who have lived the life and have much to teach.

Mothers considering adoption being treated as saints,

• until the papers are signed, then they become dangerous strangers who must be watched and censored around their own children.
• until they decide to parent their child, they are suddenly misfits unworthy of raising a child.

Prospective adoptive parents who

• claim that God has a hand in their adoption desires.
• stalk expectant teen mothers on forums for moms.

Susie
I'm having trouble finding things to write about, and it's only the 8th day. I have a lot I'd like to say, but am having a hard time getting it out without being too angry or too pathetically sad right now.  

So dear readers - any ideas?  Do you have any questions you would like to ask me?  Any lurkers out there who would like to write a guest post to either introduce yourself or a blog post with your thoughts about adoption awareness?  Send me a message at findingchristopher at gmail dot com. 

Adoption Awareness ~ Learning to Let Go and Let Love

There is just so much that I don't know about my own son.

It hurts not really knowing my own firstborn child.  Does he see my name in his email in-box and smile, or does he think "Oh God... her again?!" ?  Is he fine with our limited contact these last several months, or does he wish that something was different so that it didn't have to be this way?  Does he have anyone to talk to about all of this ~ reunion, me, him, his new-found siblings, nieces & nephews?  Has he begun to see adoption thru less rosy colored glasses as I suspect, or is his opinion of adoption still as it was before reunion? 

A couple of weeks ago I found out that Christopher is facing a pretty serious health issue.  (Sorry, but I can't really share any details as it's not my story to tell.)  For several days after learning this latest turn of events, I was lost in the fear and worry for him, and doubts about where or if I even fit into his life.  I have lately been trying to change the worrying into prayers and blessings for Christopher instead of the negative energy of worry or fear.

This led me to reading some different blogs, trying to find healing and positive things to focus on.  This afternoon I found myself lost in reading a wonderful blog, Painted Path.  So many posts touched me, touched my aching heart.  I think I could write for a week or more just on things I read there this afternoon.  One thought in particular is something I need to really focus on these next two weeks.

Artwork by Julia Fehrenbacher

 Let Go & Let Love is the title of this post, and the beautiful painting that has me feeling in a better place.

I have to let go of the doubts and worries, my questions of his feelings for me.  I will let go of them and just love enough for the both of us.  I have to let the love into my heart also, not just send it his way.

As Julia said in her post, speaking about her little bird:

She reminded me that when I get out of the way, the sweetest kind of love will be there to meet me, to greet me, to turn me toward the light. She reminded me that when things get messy and I have no idea how to fix them, to let go/surrender/turn it over. She reminded me that, rather than trying to fix, to simply be soft and open--to allow the magic to come to me & through me. To Trust the process, the "mistakes," the timing. To become absolutely present and take it one gentle step at a time. Just one.
To believe in something greater than little me.

So that's what I'm going to try to do.  To Let Go and Let Love.  

Susie

P.S. ~ Much easier said than done, especially in this month of Adoption Awareness.  I thought I could concentrate on the awareness longer than just one week.  I thought perhaps it would be a distraction for me till it got closer to the surgery, but I was wrong.  I don't know where my writing is going to take me for the rest of the month, I'm going to take it day by day.  Maybe the awareness I'm going to find the rest of this month is myself...

I'm cheating again tonight!  I spent the first part of the day with my hubby, which doesn't happen near enough.  I spent the rest of the day with my 4 year old granddaughter, spoiling her while her mom and dad are out of town.  I thought I would get her to sleep and be able to write, but she is nowhere near ready to go to sleep!  So here are some quotes I found about the importance of the mother/child bond while researching for another post. 

I'm off to go watch a movie and hopefully put an overly tired four year old to sleep!

To interfere with or destroy this intimacy is to risk interrupting a vital psychological process that may reduce the woman's confidence in herself as a mother and interfere with the flow of communication between her and her baby. - Marshall Klaus

While what the newborn craves is touch, physical skin stimulus and the familiar sound of mother's heartbeat, she is placed in a lifeless basket, with a baby blanket, perhaps a teddybear or soft doll. She is learning that encounters with people cause severe stress. For the newborn, separation from mother equals abandonment:

It is impossible to overstate the monstrousness of this final violation of a new life... this isolation neatly cancels every possible chance for bonding, for relaxation of the birth stress, for the activation of the sensory system for its extra-uterine function, and for the completion of the reticular formation for full mental-physical coordinates and learning... the organism never fully recovers. All future learning is affected. The infant body goes into shock. - Joseph Chilton Pearce

Marshal Klaus, MD, and John Kennell, MD, wrote the book Maternal-Infant Bonding, in 1976, describing the connection between a mother and her child, which originate at birth (or even before) and which is characterized as an intense physical, emotional, spiritual, bond that exists between the two. They describe this bond as a sensitive dance that occurs between them, where each relies on the cues of the other and interacts in an intense intertwined fashion.

The mother-infant bond is extremely important to the present and future emotional health of a child. There are clear indications that an infant is ready to respond to his mother from the moment of birth. Evidence shows that an infant hears and recognizes his mother's voice prenatally.  This innate preference in addition to several reflexive behaviors are important to the concept of bonding.  (Brazelton & Cramer, 1990).