For Those Separated By Adoption

For all of you mothers and fathers of adoption loss who have unanswered questions.  Find your answers!

For all of you adult adoptees who have unanswered questions.  Find your answers!

For 29 years I believed that it wasn't my right to search for my son lost to adoption.  After all, I was the one who gave him away!  Who was I to butt into his life?  If all my prayers for him had been answered, he was happy and completely loved by the family who adopted him.  Why would I interrupt his happiness by barging into his life unexpectedly, probably unwanted by him? 

Not only did I feel that it wasn't my right, and even though I knew that it couldn't be true ~ I had been told that it would be against the law to EVER seek out my son.  My brain told me that a law such as that could not truly exist, however the "good girl" in me couldn't go against what I had been told. 

In 2008 I had begun to realize that many of the problems in my life were due to the denial I lived in.  Denial of the depth of the effects of the loss of my son to adoption.  Denial of the depth of the feelings that I had for my son.  Denial of the basic fact that I was even a "mother" to Christopher.  The River of Denial ran swift and deep through every aspect of my life. The constant worrying and the symphony of questions about Christopher were eating away at me, compounding the damage done by denial.

I had decided that the adoption loss had to be dealt with in order for me to begin to fully live my life.  2009 was going to start with me finding a counselor to get my shit together and then I was going to actively search for Christopher to finally have my questions answered. 

As luck would have it, that wonderful search angel Kim matched my profile with Christopher's just three days before I was going to begin my journey of healing.  Adoption reunion was happening before I could deal with the reality of what adoption loss had done to my life. 

Looking back, I believe that the timing of that happened for a reason.  The chances of my finding a therapist who wasn't drowning in the sunshine and rainbows of adoption were (are) slim and none.  I could very well have been talked out of ever searching for Christopher.  I could have been drowned again in that sunshine and rainbows myself.

Reunion forced me out of denial, forced me out of the adoption closet. 

Reunion was the second hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my entire life.  {The hardest thing was the loss of Christopher to adoption in the first place.)  Reunion didn't even match the emotions, terror, or grief of watching my mom suffer for 10 years and then die from Lupus. 

Reunion is also the best thing that has happened in my life.  It took almost three years for my world to stop spinning.  But it was SO worth it.  The saying is true ~ The truth shall set you free. 

Yes, there were many times in the last three years that I thought I had made a mistake. Times I wondered if it hadn't been easier living in denial.  There were times that I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest, leaving me dead on the floor.  There were times that I was terrified that I was going to be lost in the depths of that hole in my heart ~ the hole left by the loss of my son. 

If you have a loved one lost to adoption, but are scared of searching ~ Do it anyways.
If you want to search for your loved one, but worry that you will be intruding into their life ~ Do it anyways.
If you are afraid of being "found" by someone lost to you through adoption ~ Do it anyways.

The hardest things you may ever face could very well be the most wondrous thing you could ever do for yourself!

Is it easy?  Absolutely not.

Is it worth it?  Absolutely!!!

Three Years Ago ~ A Search Angel Changed My Life

Three years ago today I found the first emails from a Search Angel and from Christopher.  Three years ago my life changed.  Completely.  I had no idea of the roller-coaster ride I had just gotten on, all I knew that day was extreme happiness and relief.  There aren't even words for what that I felt in that moment ~ I imagine that only those who have also been in that moment can really know.

I will never forget speaking with that wonderful Search Angel Kim.  I have to laugh again remembering the confusion when I first heard her lovely southern accent.  I thought I was speaking with Christopher's mom, so when I heard the accent I wondered why in the world they sent my son so far south!  After telling me that she wasn't his mom, she was a search angel, Kim told me that Christopher was healthy and happy.  I asked if he got good parents and she told me that he had wonderful parents.  That news brought on the happiest tears I have ever cried!  I asked her how she knew the two questions I most needed answers to and she told me she was a search angel who had been reunited with her own daughter lost to adoption so she knew all too well what my long awaited questions were. 

At that time, I had no idea what a search angel was. 

In that moment I knew that angels truly do walk amongst us! 

If you are searching for a loved one lost to adoption, don't pay for someone (especially the adoption agency) to search for you.  There are many, many search angels out there helping us. 

If you are searching, the first thing you need to do is sign up on some on-line registries.  There are many free ones, start with them. 

The first one you should sign up with is ISSR, a mutual consent reunion registry.  

The registry at adoption.com is the one I had signed up on, that Kim found when looking for me.  You can search through the registries there as well as sign up in case someone is looking for you. 

Claud has a wonderful page with a lot of info about search and reunion. 

If you have any questions, leave them in the comments or send me an email at findingchristopher at gmail dot com.  I'm no search angel, but I would be more than happy to help you find your loved ones lost to adoption! 

A Roar - Are You Listening??

Is the world beginning to listen yet?

Do you know of the brokenness known as adoption?

Many of us are speaking, but is anyone listening... Really Listening?

Listening to

The ones most effected by relinquishment ~ the ones relinquished?
 

Or to

The ones who believed that life would go on as before?

I feel as though the ones who don't want to hear have us outnumbered.

By far.

There are days I feel defeated by those who want to keep us silenced.

Like today.

Until I read this poem.

And then I was reminded.

 

I am not in this alone.

I will continue to speak out and bare my scars.

I will grow stronger.
 

With the others in their brokenness, we will all grow stronger.

And the world will listen... one day...

Thank you to all of you out there in adopto-land who help me through this life of adoption loss.  Just by being "out there", speaking out your truths, you make me stronger by reminding me that I'm not all alone in this.  You bring a bit of sanity to my life when nothing about this adoption loss is sane...  Susie

2012 ~ Bring It On!!

Last year I wrote about the life-changing events that happened for me in 2009 and 2010, while wondering what 2011 had in store for me. 

I would NEVER have dreamed that less than three months after writing that post I would have the tremendous blessing of seeing all my children together!  Not only was I surprised with Christopher's first visit where he was able to meet all of his siblings, his nieces and nephews ~ he came for another visit just a month later.  The photos from that first visit are my most precious treasures.  As are the memory of looking at him sitting at the table in the exact same position as one of my raised sons, the memory of seeing him laughing with and interacting with his sister and brothers ~ all so similar, all so comfortable together.  March 24th, 2011 will forever be etched in my heart and soul!

March ended with a gift from my daughter.  A letter written to initially thank the search angel who brought Christopher back into our family, which turned into a sibling reunion story, then sent as a letter to both Christopher and I.  I am so very blessed to have such loving children!

2011 became a pretty quiet year as far as communication with Christopher goes, but it did continue thankfully.  His silence may have been a good thing for me though?  It forced me to look inward to find acceptance in adoptions role in my life.  November really was tough ~ the deep fear of Christopher's upcoming heart surgery was overwhelming for me.  Just as his silence had a silver lining, so did that fear.  After Christopher's successful surgery, when the fear of losing him subsided, it was as though a veil of peace and acceptance was draped over me.  For the first time since finding the emails from a search angel and Christopher, on that cold January evening in 2009, my mind was not filled with adoption loss and grief every moment of every day. 

2011 ended with two more wonderful gifts.  The gift of being "Grandma Susie" to his children ~ making this grandma's heart overflow and the gift of Christopher's mom reaching out to me for the first time.  

Here's to 2012!  

Will this year continue to bring me blessings I only dream of? 

Will I get to know his mom?  

Will I have the blessing of meeting Christopher's children?  

His beautiful wife who has played a big part in our reunion?  

Will I have yet another chance to see all of my kids, 

maybe even grandkids together?? 

I can only hope...

Gratitude & The Next Phase of My Adoption Journey

I am so thankful for all the wonderful people out there in blog-land, for my followers.  I was in a weird place when I last wrote, I felt as though I was in a limbo, worried that I was going  back into denial.   I owe a huge Thank You to all of you who responded to that post.  Sometimes when we are buried in something, we need an outside view of it so we can see it clearly. 

I think I can honestly say that I have indeed come to a place of acceptance and peace in regards to Christopher, my place in his life.  I really didn't think that was possible!  I know that it would not have been possible if not for the support from many of you, from many moms and adoptees that I have met on an on-line forum. 


It seems like it took so very long to get to this place.  I would have never dreamed that it would take almost three years for my world to quit spinning after being reunited with Christopher.  I was beginning to think that I would never get back to a "normal" life that didn't include my brain being on the adoption channel 24/7. 

I have been full of gratitude since writing last.  So grateful as I said for the replies I received, for those I have met online who share their struggles in order to help others and bring awareness to the effects of adoption in their lives.

I am so grateful for all the blessings in my life.  Even though suffering the greatest loss a mother could experience, I have been blessed in it too.  I had no other choice than adoption back in 1979.  I thank God every day that Christopher did indeed go to great parents.  He has wonderful extended families who have fully embraced him, he has never felt as though he didn't belong.  His parents have supported him in our reunion, he has not been made to feel as though he has to choose between families.  I could not have asked for more for him in his adoption.

I truly believe that things happen in the time they are meant to.  I think that this phase of my "accepting" came at the perfect time for the next phase of this adoption journey.  

Yesterday I started the day checking my email, finding a great surprise.  I had a message and a Facebook friend request from Christopher's mom!  It was a lovely message, one that touched my heart.  After a bit of a panic about letting her into my FB world, and seeking some advice from a few friends, I realized what a gift this was.  A chance to get to know each other ~ finally.  I told her in a message accepting her friendship that I wanted her to know the "real me", not the FB me, and I gave her my email address as well as my cell phone number.  She replied that she would also love to meet me and get to know me in person.  Last night I decided to text Christopher to let him know, in case he didn't already, that his moms were now fb friends.  After a few hilarious texts back and forth my heart could not have been lighter!  

So, here's to the next part of this journey.  I look forward to getting to know the woman who loves my son as much as I, the loving and kind mom I prayed for my son to have.

My Christmas was full of Christmas blessings 

and even what I once considered would take a miracle to happen!  

I hope that all of you also had a Very Merry Christmas.  

To those of you who only dream of finding, or knowing, 

your child, mother, father, family lost to adoption ~ 

I pray that you will one day soon know the wonder of a successful reunion. 

Just as I wish that no other woman would have to know

the sorrow of losing a child to adoption, 

I wish that everyone who has lost loved ones to adoption 

could know the absolute joy and peace of having 

your lost one(s) in your life again!

Wishing you much peace and love in the rest of this holiday season!

Things You Wouldn't Know About Me

If you only know me through my blog, you could probably think that I am living a sad, depressing life.  There is so much more to me than adoption though!  I am blessed beyond belief ~ despite the loss of my son to adoption.

Things you wouldn't know about me from my blog...

I laugh a lot.  Loudly.  Yeah, I even snort if I get to laughing too much.

I cuss.  Sometimes a lot.  There are times the F word is just necessary!  Especially if I've had a few, I start to sound like a sailor...

I'm nice.  Really, I am!

I'm a twin.  My brother is about a foot taller than me.  His hair is very curly, mine is stick straight.  He is uber religious, I'm not.  He was the studious twin, I was the social one.  We really don't have anything in common.  I used to say that the hospital sent home the wrong baby, meaning he was the wrong one.  I now say that I was the wrong one.  I am nothing like either one of my siblings.  I hope.

I'm not religious ~ I'm spiritual, raised Lutheran and married a Catholic.

I cheated to become Catholic.  (Thanks to Uncle John (Father John) ~ my hubby's officially, although I grew to love him as my own.)  He knew that I was only attending Catholic church because there was never going to be a chance of my hubby going to a Lutheran church.  Catholics can be so snotty like that!

I don't live in a town.  I live in a village.  Population around 200.  Hubby grew up here, drug me here 12 years ago.  Think "Greenacres" except with a new house, not a falling apart farm house.  He's the country boy, I'm the city girl.  Half the town is related to the hub.  Half of the rest of the town is related to one of the relatives.  Yeah.....

I am a member of a gang.  Uh huh.  We call ourselves The Big Girls.  Not because of our size (although sadly I am), but because we are grown ups.  Our daughters grew up and started joining in on our parties, they wanted to be a part of The Girls too, so they became The Little Girls and we became The Big Girls.  But just because we are the grown ups doesn't mean we act like it!  We have been friends since grade school and high school.  We have been told that we are overly-friendly women who are too trustworthy and open with strangers.  We make friends everywhere we go!

I love to play in the dirt.  In the summer you will find me outside whenever possible, probably with bare feet.  I have a garden that usually has just cucumbers and the makings for salsa, sometimes I get beans and peas planted in it too.  I plant flowers in all kinds of containers that aren't meant to have flowers planted in them.  Old wash tubs, old watering cans, wringer washing machine, wagons, etc.

I love to quilt.  I however have a problem with too many unfinished and un-started projects.  I'm also just a topper, not a quilter.  I make the quilt tops, have a friend who does a fabulous job of quilting them for me.  I have only kept one bed quilt and a few wall quilts for myself, the rest have all been gifts.  My four year old granddaughter finally got hers this Christmas, poor thing ~ all the others got one when they were babies!  I also finally finished one for my daughter for Christmas, now the boys are whining for one so those will probably be my next projects, leaving my unfinished and un-started ones to go even longer. 

I love me a margarita, lately a cranberry one is my fav.  Or a glass/bottle of wine.  Or an ice cold beer with some (more than three please!) green olives in it.  The Big Girls' signature shot is a Lemon Drop.  We REALLY enjoy those!

I love art ~ bright, cheerful colors.  Art of all kinds ~ painting, drawing, textile, pottery, sculpting, whatever.  I can't draw a stick person to save my life, but I love to look at the work of those who can.  

I can get lost on Etsy for hours!

There is a lot more, but you are probably bored to death by now.  I didn't realize how much I had typed already.  This glass of rhubarb wine has helped me find things to talk about!!
 
I will leave you with some of my favorite non-adoption related blogs (in no certain order):



Red Pepper Quilts
Kind Over Matter
Your Joyologist
Artsyville 
Mommy Wants Vodka 
Bruce Seeds ~ not really a blog, but I am amazed by his quilts.
Oh Fransson!
Anthology Magazine
Modern Quilt Relish
Green Lemonade
The Painted Path
Hello Ross  ~ LOVE Ross Matthews!!
Oriah ~ The Green Bough
Lori Portka
Jaybird Quilts

Limbo? Acceptance? Or Something Else?

I feel as though I'm in a limbo of sorts lately. 

Christopher is a part of my life now, yet he's not.  I am a part of his life, but yet I'm not. 

Maybe the feeling of being in limbo is because this "reunion" has become so one-sided. 

I have felt a big shift in my emotions towards reunion since his surgery.  Once the fear of losing Christopher in surgery was gone, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my heart.  The love is still there, bigger than ever.  But the fear, the worry?  Gone.

It was more than just the fear of losing him during the surgery though.  It's as though the fear of losing him in any way was gone.  Is this finally acceptance that he will never fully be a part of my life?  Is it finally enough to just know that he's alive, healthy, and happy? Did the fear of his death allow me to finally be at peace with him just "being out there somewhere"?  Even if that meant that he wasn't going to fully be a part of my life?  I no longer worry about sending him emails too often, or obsess over every word I write in worry that I will say something to drive him away.  I am following my heart ~ if I read or hear something I want to share with him, I do it.  When it's in my heart to let him know I'm thinking about him, hoping he's feeling better, I follow my heart now instead of worrying that it's wrong in some way.



These last few weeks have just been so strange to me.  For the first time since Jan. 16, 2009, upon finding those first emails from the search angel and Christopher, he hasn't been on my mind 24/7. He is not always the first thing I think of when I wake up, nor always the last thing I think of before falling asleep.

This feeling of... limbo is very unsettling for some reason.  There's a little voice in my head that fears it is not really acceptance ~ maybe I have instead buried my emotions regarding Christopher again.  And don't even know it... 

 Maybe it's not following my heart so much as subconsciously I don't care anymore about pushing him away?  Does a person even realize it when they are pushing someone away before they themselves can be pushed away? 

*sigh* 

This rambling is exactly why I haven't written many posts lately.  None of this probably makes any sense.  It doesn't even make sense to me!  All of my thoughts are going in circles, winding around on themselves, making it even more confusing than when I first started writing all of this out in an attempt to figure out what in the world I am or am not feeling.  If this blog post was an Excel spreadsheet, I would be getting a circular error warning!