Surgery Went Well!!!!

Deep sigh of relief, prayers of thanks have been going on for an hour now since I got the news that Christopher was out of surgery and in ICU.  He will be there for about 24 hours, in the hospital for about 5 days. 

I want to thank all of you ~ for all your kind words, all of your thoughts and prayers for us.  I truly don't know what I would do without all you "cyber" friends out there who get just how hard this is for me.  I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!!

I went to the doctor today, have been feeling a little off for a couple of days, figured it was all the stress and worry about Christopher and ignored it mostly.  I haven't been sick with so much as a cold for over 4 years now.  Couldn't sleep the last two nights because I couldn't breathe (and I was worrying about Christopher), this morning the glands on both sides of my neck were painfully swollen, and I had a fever.  I have strep as well as a possible sinus infection...  yay.  My doctor (who has become a great friend) said that she isn't surprised at all that I would get sick now. 

So I'm off to bed, to try to get a nap in.  I need to get myself better so I can enjoy eating too much on Thanksgiving and drinking too much on Fuschia Friday!  (One of my best-est friends lives near Chicago, she is home for Thanksgiving, and we are having a Girl Party to celebrate all of us being together again.  Black Friday is too depressing of a name, so we gave it a festive name instead!) 

I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving! 

Susie

Surgery Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Christopher's surgery.  I don't know what time, I am assuming it will be somewhat early in the morning. 

Still not 100% sure I'm going to get updates, hopefully I will at least get a text when the surgery is over.  

If you are one who prays, please pray for Christopher, the Doctors and staff at Mayo Clinic tomorrow.

When I get an update, I will update all of you.  Thank you so much for all the care and concern you have shown me.  I truly appreciate it!

Christopher is undergoing some pretty serious surgery next week.  As the day gets closer the more worried I find myself.

The more worried I find myself, the more the adoption loss hurts.

I am trying very hard to stay positive, to remember that this surgery is highly successful.  Christopher's life span will return to the normal rate again after surgery, without surgery his life span is greatly decreased.  No matter the statistics, just knowing that my son will be put on a heart-lung machine during surgery to remove part of his heart muscle is pretty scary stuff!


In my attempt to write every day in this Month of Adoption,  too much adoption crap is brought to the surface.  I thought it would be a help, concentrating on speaking out to the truths of adoption loss, about family preservation instead of Christopher's upcoming surgery.  Instead all it's doing is making me crazy. 

Last night I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't put together the energy to write anything.  So I didn't.  Why make things harder than they already are? 

So I am taking a break.  I will be back, you aren't getting rid of me forever.  My heart and brain just need a break until after Christopher's successful surgery and recovery. 

I would love and appreciate any prayers and positive/healing energy you want to send Christopher's way at the Mayo Clinic in MN next week.   I will let you all know how things are going.

Susie
here's some info about Christopher's disease:
Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy (HCM)
here's some info about the surgery he will be having:
Septal Myectomy

A Knife To The Heart

I had a wonderful day today.  Opening Day of deer hunting season is a almost a bigger holiday than Christmas around here!  The hubby's family are a deer hunting family.  The men folk little and big (and one niece) get up early to go kill Bambi and family, while the women folk cook all morning and gather at noon at the in-laws for the big Hunter's Lunch.  The wives, kids, and now their kids all gather for the lunch too. 

The hunters slowly trickle in around noon, showing off their trophies or sharing stories of the ones seen, not seen, the ones who got away.  The Nebraska game was on then so the guys even got to enjoy a bit of the game before heading back out again. 

I love the family I married into.  We all get along wonderfully, we truly enjoy getting together.  As I was sitting in the kitchen listening to my kids with their cousins today, telling stories of years gone by, I was overwhelmed with joy.  It is so wonderful to see your children as adults being great friends.  Then it hit me.  Actually, it was more like being stabbed.  If only...

If only ALL my children could have been there. 

No matter the occasion, whenever all my kids are together, or all my grandkids.  It's never complete. 

That's what adoption does to a family.  Tears it apart. 


Another thing you don't realize you are giving up when you give up a child for adoption.

They don't tell you that you are already a family.  Even if it's just the mother and infant, you are still a family. A family that should be honored and cherished, not torn apart.  For even decades later, the pain of the loss of that child is like a knife stabbing you in what is left of your heart.

Susie

Another Song and A Veteran's Day Salute

I don't remember exactly when I first heard this song.  But hearing the first two notes is all it takes to send me right back to where I was when I first heard it.  It wasn't long after reunion, I was still reeling from the surprise of it all, just beginning to come out of the fog.  Trace wrote this song about the loss of his first wife, but it sure is spot on for my feelings about the loss of my son to adoption!

Tags: I Can't Outrun You, Trace Adkins, Trace Adkins Videos

Especially these lyrics:

...You're in my heart
You're in my mind
Everywhere ahead
Everywhere behind
Every turn I take
You're right around the bend
It's like your ghost is chasing me
When I'm awake
When I'm asleep
There's a part of you in every part of me
And I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you...

Thought there might just come a time
I wouldn't regret tellin' you goodbye
But lookin' back
Should'a realized
I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you

 Another Trace Adkins song that brings goosebumps (especially in the last minute of the video) ~ in honor of Veteran's Day. 
Freedom isn't free ~ I thank and honor all those who have fought and will continue to fight for my freedom.

 

Susie
Ok - I will admit it...  Trace gives me goosebumps singing any song, not just these two!  When he asks "Do Ya Wanna?"  
*breathless* 
yeah...  I do!!  

Adoption Awareness ~ The Roller Coaster Ride

When I was first reunited with Christopher, I had NO idea what a ride I was in for!  Even though I had decided that 2009 was the year I was going to face my past, the loss of my son, and begin to search for him ~ I was still deeply in denial and in the adoption closet. 

I had no idea that my time-line of reunion was going to be turned inside out ~ we were reunited first, there was no "searching" necessary, and the facing of my past happened at high-speed because of that.  If you don't know about the beginnings of our reunion, you can go read about that wonderful day here. 

Photo by TempestPhotography

Christopher and I have been in reunion for almost three years.  You would think in that amount of time that I would be used to the roller-coaster ride of emotions that adoption reunion brings.  You would think I would remember that every time I have gotten lost in worrying things are not going well between us, I have been proven wrong!  

How amazing that one little email can raise my emotions up from a puddle on the ground, have me smiling and reassured again.  And yet, how sad is that also?

Will the day ever come that I'm not reduced to feeling like that wounded 15 year old girl again? 

(There's two more things to add to the list of things you don't know about when you are thinking about giving your child up for adoption.  The endless roller-coaster ride and the fact that in some ways you are stunted at the place and age you were when you faced the biggest trauma of your life ~ losing your child to adoption.)

Last night I sent Christopher a short email, not needing or expecting a reply, just a "thinking of you" note.  This morning I found an email from him, opening up a bit about his upcoming surgery and repeating his desire to stay positive through all of this.  I have been worrying for nothing again.  I know that he does care for me and loves me.  I still suspect that "we" are just too much for him to think about right now as all of his thoughts and energy are being put towards the immediate future, his surgery and recovery.  As they should be!

After reading and responding to his email, I then saw the new replies to last nights post.  I smiled as I read what Laurie wrote ~ she was so right!  And after receiving Christopher's email today, I do believe as she said: "You've come this far, I know that you'll move further along in this journey.".  I have to remember that my son and I were lost to each other for almost 30 years.  It's going to take time to grow our relationship.  I need to look at the big picture, the whole time-line ~ not just this one moment in time.  Last year at this time we had just met in person for the first time.  I wasn't too sure if I would ever see all of my children together ~ and now I have had that joy.  Twice! 

I don't know where this rambling post is going, I just started typing without even an idea of what I was going to write about. 

Since this isn't only adoption (be)awareness month, it's also the month of thanks, I would like to mention a couple of things I am thankful for today. 

I am so very thankful that Christopher was able to open up to me a little about his surgery. 

I am thankful for this up-swing in my emotional reunion roller-coaster ride.

I am so thankful for the wonderful friends I have "met" here in blog-land ~ you all truly make a difference in my life.  It warms my heart to know that there really are others out there who "get me", who understand all this rambling, all the confusion and heart ache ~ and whining!! 

Susie

Adoption Awareness - Adoption Loss is Forever

Why am I having such a hard time finding something to write about?  There is so much to be said about adoption that people aren't aware of.  I guess I'm just wondering if it's even worth it to speak out?  Is it worth digging into something that hurts so badly?  Do the people who need to listen and learn ever really listen and learn?  I wonder...

The main reason I started writing in a blog is to get everything out of my head.  A journal of sorts to help me find myself again.  To find the real me who was buried under decades of denial, under the false beliefs I had of myself due to adoption loss.  

Here I am, 90 published posts, more than two years later, and I'm still lost. 

I have let go of many of the false beliefs I had of myself.  I know that I wasn't a "bad girl" simply because of one bad decision.  I know that I really was a mother, not just an egg donor and incubator for Christopher's "real parents".  I know that I wasn't stupid for choosing adoption, I simply didn't know (most importantly didn't have) any options.    I know that it wasn't luck that brought my husband into my life "even though" I was "one of those girls".  Most importantly, I know I could have been a great mom to Christopher if I had only been given a chance.

I have come out of the closet of adoption since starting this blog.  I speak out of my son and his adoption now.  I proudly claim that I am a mother of 4, grandmother of 9.  I'm no longer ashamed of the 15 year old girl I once was.  People are probably sick of me talking out about adoption now.  I will never go back into that damn closet again!  It is too suffocating.  The only winners in a mother of adoption loss being in the closet is the adoption industry.  I won't ever be one of their pawns again!

I am no longer in denial.  Although I sure as hell would love to go visit there now and then for a day or so.  

"Lost" by Shellie

But I still feel lost.  I'm still a mother without her child.  Yes, I know where he is.  I know he's alive and happy.  (I wish I could say he's healthy.  If my prayers are answered, he will be healthy again, he will feel better than he has in years after recovering from surgery later this month.)  I have had the absolute joy of seeing him in person, holding him in my arms, looking into his eyes.  I am so very lucky in that ~ many moms I have come to know still don't know that joy.  But.  I'm still lost.  I don't know how my son feels about me.  I don't know if he even really wants me to still be in his life.  Does he think of me as a mom, mother in any way?  I can't just pick up the phone and call him like I do my other kids.  I can't just go visit him when I have a free weekend.  I can't even plan on being at the hospital when he's undergoing major surgery.  I'm still an outsider in his life, even though we are getting close to three years in reunion. An outsider in my own son's life ~ that hurt is still the same as it was the day I lost him to adoption. 

Will I ever truly and completely find myself?  I really don't think that's possible.  I lost a part of myself, a part of my heart and soul, when I lost my son to adoption.  Once adoption loss enters your life, it is there forever.  And ever.  And ever...
 

 Susie