Adoption Loss - It should be so simple...

I

Just

Don't

Get

It...


It should be so simple...

Why can't people SEE and UNDERSTAND the foundation of adoption?

Yes, when it's necessary adoption can be a wonderful thing.

BUT...

It's built upon great loss and tragedy.  Necessary due to abuse of any sort?  That's still a tragedy.  Necessary due to finances?  Necessary due to the mother being made to feel she's not good enough for some temporary reason?  That's even more tragic. 

Did you read that?  Adoption is built upon a foundation of great loss and tragedy.  Adoption cannot happen without a family facing unimaginable loss and trauma that lasts a lifetime. 

The beauty of adoption doesn't take away the ugly of relinquishment. 

The story of adoption should be:
   Yes ~ it's tragic what happened.  Thank God that a family was found for this child who has already suffered such great loss.  Thank God for this family who understands the great loss involved and will honor all that goes along with that loss. 

Adoption is supposed to be about finding a family for a child who needs one.

But that's not how the story goes...

Adoption has become nothing more than finding a child for a family who needs wants one. 

Oh ~ and the unregulated $13 Billion/year industry that is at the heart of it all.

Then we have the cries "But what about the infertiles?"  "They have so much love to give"  "They suffer such grief from their empty arms".

What about them indeed.  I have great sympathy and empathy for women who are unable to conceive or carry a baby to term.  I really do ~ I cannot begin to imagine the depth of that loss.

I just don't get why it's ok for the mother of adoption loss to live with that life-long deep grief and loss but it's not ok for an infertile woman to live with it...

I

Just

Don't

Get

It...

National Adoption Awareness Month - Day 1

Today is the first day of National Adoption Awareness Month.  I am going to try to post often during this NAAM ~ focusing on adoptees since that's what adoption is supposed to be about!

This month was created to bring awareness to the children who are available for adoption through foster care.  However, the adoption industry has high-jacked it to be a month long advertisement for their multi-Billion $$ per year industry. 

Adoption in the case of getting kids out of foster care is a wonderful thing ~ every child deserves to be raised in a loving and caring family. 

Adoption in the case of domestic infant adoption is completely different from foster care adoption. 

Adoption ~ even when an absolute necessity such as a mother and father having no desire to raise their child, or if abuse is a part of their lives ~ adoption is built upon loss.  Even if the adoption is a storybook example, that doesn't take away the fact that the infant had to lose everything in order to be adopted. 

The message of awareness that I would like to get across is that adoption should be a last resort.  Adoption is supposed to be about providing a loving home to a child who NEEDS one.  It should never be about providing a child to a home that WANTS one. 

Adoption today is different ~ they say.  Yes, it is different.  We can no longer say that adoption is only sunshine and rainbows for all involved.  There are too many people telling their stories, too many studies easily available.  It is  known now the life-long effects of adoption on those adopted, the natural mothers, as well as the adoptive parents.  It is time that people in the general public became aware of the reality of adoption and quit allowing the adoption industry to sell it's lies. 

Adoption today is built upon a foundation of loss and lies.  Even in an era of open adoption adoptees are still denied the truth of their own birth.  Only a few states allow all adoptees to receive a factual copy of their birth information.  What a crime that is! 

Speaking of lies in adoption, for this first day of National Adoption Awareness Month 2013, I'm going to share a request from an adult adoptee:

Dear Friends,
I am working on a slide show and power point presentation on the history of lies and corruption in adoption. one of the sections includes lies surrounding our adoptions. I would like to show the photo of the person along with 3 or 4 sentences describing the lies, corruption, or deceit.

Please consider participating in this by private messaging me your story along with any photo you are comfortable sharing. This will be presented by me in November at a conference on adoption with the primary audience comprised of a-parents and social workers. I want to sock people in the gut with this seminar.

Also, please spread the word. I would like tons of these experiences to pick through; especially lies propagated through agencies and case-workers.

Thanks,
Jeff Hancock

 You can share your lies with Jeff through his facebook page.  If you aren't fb friends with Jeff, send them to me and I will forward them to him ~ either message me through my facebook page or email them to me at findingchristopher at gmail.  Jeff is looking for photos/messages from adoptees as well as natural moms & dads. 

Here is what I'm sending to Jeff:

I was told that I wasn't allowed to see or hold my son when he was born.  Yet I was allowed a one hour visit with him when he was three weeks old ~ doing my best to be a "good birthmother" so I didn't even consider easing my heartbreak and raising him myself.  I was also told that I would be breaking the law if I EVER searched for him. Thank goodness I didn't care if it was true or not and signed up on some reunion registries online making it possible for my son to find me!  After almost 30 years I was finally able to learn that he was indeed alive ~ as well as healthy and happy. 

Some Big Moments Have Happened

I have tried a few times to write here these last several months, but so much of what I wanted to write about seemed too personal.  There was too much of Christopher in the telling of what I wanted to write...

Or I was too mad and the post became a huge rant as we all got proof that adoption is no longer about what is best for the child ~ it's all about the money paid and received...


Some big moments have happened in this adoption reunion journey of ours.

In July  ~

 I met Christopher's wife & children! 

 There are no words 

~ the joy in finally looking into the eyes of my grandson & granddaughter

~to at last meet his beautiful wife 

(who was/is an instrumental part of Christopher 

continuing to move forward in this relationship)

The night was magic ~

I was thoroughly entertained by a very
beyond-his-years 6 year old with no front teeth.  

An adorable little 3 year old who didn't say two words at the restaurant
who opened up completely at home where I heard the sweetest words

"Grandma, will you please read me my favorite book?".  

In August ~

An art gallery was showing Christopher's work
and I wasn't going to miss opening night!

Driving to the gallery that night,
I was excited to see Christopher, 

his lovely wife and kids

as well as his mom again

to finally meet his dad in person.  

to introduce my life-long friends who came along.

However...

The in-laws, cousins, sister & husband, 

friends who were going to be there 

had me getting lost in fear.  

of judgement

in the insecurity of my place in his life... 

While completely enjoying the time at the gallery ~

feeling so proud of Christopher, 

seeing his beautiful artwork in a gallery.

Feeling so full of happiness watching him talk with my friends

Meeting his dad, sister and brother-in-law.  

Deep inside however ~

I was lost in the worrying
what did his extended family think of me being there?

Did they look at me as the intruder who didn't belong?  

As the whore who became pregnant so young?  

As the horrible mother who gave her child away?  

*sigh*

Feeling "not good enough"
Again...

Then in the days afterward ~

anger at myself for going to that place of deep insecurity

confused as to why I let that happen... 

In the weeks since then I have been reading some of my old blog posts,
some of my favorite blog posts by others.
I wish I had read them before the gallery opening... 

Especially these words from a post I wrote three years ago~

I realized that I was choosing to let other people's attitudes take away from my authenticity.

Nobody can take away my motherhood. I cannot un-birth any of my children, even the son I did not raise.

I don't want to live in the damn closet anymore, nobody can force me back in there.

Nobody can tell me that Christopher is any less my child than the children I raised. The love I feel for him is no less than the love I have for all my children.
 

When we were together on Saturday, it was as mother and son, not strangers.

If that makes anyone uncomfortable, I don't care. It is the truth!

In another old favorite post from Tiny Budda I learned that
Sometimes We Need To Go Backward...

“Sometimes, you feel as though you are riding the bicycle backwards. You feel like you are backtracking and heading in the wrong direction, but really what’s happening is contraction and release. The universe is preparing you for something much greater and like a sling shot, it’s going to shoot you forward—you just have to move backwards for a little bit.”

And so ~
I have been shot forward.
I'm feeling strong in living my truth again.
Even stronger than before.


Just in time for November...

What Can A Tiny Baby Know?

A great article from Adoptee Voices Magazine by Karl Stenske:

"Adoptee View, What Can A Tiny Baby Know?" 

I have added this post on my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page.  Any expectant mother considering adoption must learn of the possible effects relinquishment could have on their child.

While this article is a great one, there is much more to be learned from all of the comments on it.  Great discussion, many adult adoptees speaking out of their experience of being adopted.

Great Links: "Birth" Mothers and Adoptees Views on Adoption

"Birth" Mothers and Adoptees Views on Adoption

 Found the above article today with MANY great links to read the view point of those living with adoption loss in their lives.  Those adopted as well as the mothers ~ aka birthmother, birth mother.  As much as I dislike that term, it has to be used for search engines to possibly find this...

I added this page to my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page.  Even though I'm not actively blogging anymore, that page continues to regularly get hits.  I hope and pray that it's helping moms make educated choices for or against adoption...  Sadly, the search terms that usually hit that page are from moms with pregnant teens or moms with unmarried pregnant daughters.  Moms ~ HELP your daughter become the best mom she can be! Love her through this unexpected life change ~ don't condemn her to a life without her child unless necessary due to abuse of any kind.

Facing an Unexpected Pregnancy?

I added a couple of new links to my  "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page.  (The page tabs are right there, above the title of this post.)  I thought I would make a post with these resources, they seem like great ones for young moms, for moms facing an unexpected pregnancy.  These links have nothing to do with adoption, they are written by young moms who themselves had unexpected pregnancies. 

Many of the hits on my blog are from searches regarding unexpected pregnancy, so if you are one of those searchers, I hope you go check out some of the reading material I have there for you!  

Here are the links I added today:

 Unplanned Pregnancy by Tiny Blue Lines

Knocked Up by Early Mama: Redefining the Young Mom.  A great blog, more than just this post!

Finding My Voice ~ Taking Back My Power

For so long I kept silent.

 

As I thought I was expected to do in those days.

 

My motherhood, my first born son, was only spoken of a handful of times in the almost 30 years between  the time he was born till the day I read those first emails four years ago.  

 

I kept silent.

 

Out of doing what I thought was the right thing.  Out of fear.  Out of shame ~ shame of first becoming pregnant, then shame of giving my own child away. 

 

Not that I knew how to put into words what I had gone through anyways.  Nor did I have anyone care enough to ask me about it ~ while going through it all nor afterwards ~ so I had no reason to speak of any of it.  Oh, maybe they cared, but didn't know how or whether to bring it up.    

As is usually the case ~ when you close off one thing, you are actually closing off much more.  

Through fear of speaking about my motherhood or my child, I soon became afraid to speak my own opinions and thoughts on most things. 

I said what others wanted to hear.  What I thought I needed to say (and do) to prove that I really was a "good girl" despite the fact that I had gotten pregnant and given my child up.  I also lost my voice from fear of saying something "stupid" or wrong.  I can't blame that one on adoption though...

 

I hadn't even realized that I lost my voice until after reunion with Christopher.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  

All of the above has been sitting as a draft for quite a while...  Two things have happened in the last couple of days to bring me back to it.  

First ~ a couple of days ago in a private fb message the subject of what to call ones biological parents came up.  In my reply to that question, I wrote of why I don't want the title "birthmother" to be used for myself.  After I sent the reply, I felt bad that I had gone off on a rant to this person.  I apologized for it the next day, was told that it was ok & not a big deal but I still felt bad about it. 

 

Then today I read a blog post "on the power of our voices" by the wonderful artist kelly rae.

 

Reading her post brought me a few "a ha" moments.

 

* I wasn't ranting in that fb message.  I was simply speaking my opinion. 

 

* I didn't just lose my voice.  I gave it away.

 

* I didn't just give away my voice, I gave away my power.

I had spent so many years, decades, hiding my voice that what I felt was ranting was simply stating my stance on an issue.  And that's a good thing!

 

It was simply taking power over a piece of my life as a mother without her child.  

Speaking out in that message was nothing to be ashamed of, rather it was something that has been a long time coming.  Me taking back my voice.  Taking back power over my own life, my own story.  

In her post today, Kelly writes: 

Our voices are precious. Beautiful. Important. And they change the world.
May you be careful with yours. Be fierce around protecting it, nurturing it, and celebrating it, always.

 

 I will.  I will now stand stronger in my story, in my life, in the power of my voice.

 

 

 

 

 

If you haven't read Kelly's post yet, please take time to do that.  There was so much that I wanted to share here, so much that could have been written by/for me, it was almost her entire post!  So much of what she writes in this post is important for all of us who live with adoption loss.  We need each others voices, adoption reform needs our voices!!

  

Educate Yourself!

The Meaning of a Dream...

The "feeling" of that dream is still hanging on...

Where did that water come from?  It seems as though I was the only one able to see it, though the room was full of people.  Why was I so worried about getting it cleaned up before Christopher's mom saw the mess?  Why would she be able to see it if nobody else was able to?

Was it tears as Kelli and others commented? 

I do worry about Christopher's mom (as well as he himself) learning about how deeply losing him to adoption has hurt me.  Not that I feel that I have to keep that to myself, it's more that I don't want him/them to feel guilt over what adoption has cost me.  I especially don't want Christopher to ever take my pain onto himself and feel as though he is the one responsible for what adoption brought to my life.  So... it could be tears that the water symbolizes.  Although...

In the first few years of having Christopher back in my life, I had a deep fear that I would lose him again.  I obsessed over everything I wrote to him, scared to death that I might say something to scare him away forever.  However, 4+ years into this, I no longer worry about that.  If I haven't scared him away yet with some of the things I have said and done, I don't think it's possible!

Or was Rebecca onto something with it being water from child birth?

The feeling this dream has left me with is almost... primal?  That's the only word that comes to mind when trying to put a name to it.

I do think that it's my motherhood that is symbolized in the dream ~ the very fact that I gave birth to Christopher.  It's ok that I'm around, but not ok to have my full role (as a mother to Christopher) recognized or acknowledged.  In the dream I am being treated more as a "novelty" of sorts by the adults who do come over to visit with me.  Yes, a novelty...  You know, that legendary birthmother who did such a selfless, wonderful thing by letting my son be raised by another family.  On the other hand, the children all fully welcomed me, as children do in their innocence.  They didn't see my "title", they saw me the person, someone who adored children and enjoyed talking and laughing with them.  So maybe the water does represent amniotic fluid?

It breaks my heart that Christopher is in the dream by himself, not enjoying the family and friends in the room.  The "feeling" I have about this in the dream is that he feels stuck in the middle of two moms/two families.  It's as though he knows he's going to hurt one of us by showing love and/or affection towards the other.  I hate that.  How awful does that have to be for those who are adopted and feel that way? 

Ughhhh....  I wish I could get rid of this dream.  While it was just a pretty nice dream, a chance to "be" in the same room as the son I miss so horribly, it has become somewhat of a nightmare in my waking hours.  I have been in such a good place adoption-wise for a while now, this dream is really throwing me off.

Today especially.  As I was wondering why, I realize that it's almost exactly a month away from Christopher's birthday...

It's also been a year since I saw him last.

And I miss him...

Terribly...

Dreams...

I had a dream the other night that I can't get out of my mind.  Usually I can't even remember my dreams, so it's kinda bothering me that this one won't leave me alone.

I am sitting in the living room of Christopher's parents in the midst of a large family gathering.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, the whole works.  There are children of all ages running around, having fun.  Adults here and there visiting with each other.  Christopher's father is nowhere in sight, mom is in another room changing her clothes.  Don't know the reason for the clothes change but the "feeling" around it is that she is changing out of her church clothes into every-day clothes.  I'm sitting on a couch, surrounded by laughing and playing kids while holding a baby.  I think it's one of my grandbabies, but not really sure about that...  Christopher is sitting clear across the large room seemingly not paying any attention to me although I catch him stealing glances my way now and then.  He's not visiting with anyone, isn't social like everyone else there.  He's just sitting there in the chair.  Once in a while a family member and even Christopher's wife comes over to make small talk with me; although mostly it's the children keeping me company. 

As I'm enjoying the kids, all of a sudden water covers the floor from an unknown source.  I have the thought "oh no!  Not again!" and in my dream I'm realizing that I have had this same thing happen in previous dreams and I can't believe that it has happened again.  I am then in a panic to get the water cleaned up before Christopher's mom comes out of the bedroom to see the water all over.  I feel responsible for this, even though I had nothing to do with the water spilling from wherever it came from.  I'm almost in a panic at the thought of her discovering it there on the floor. 

The end.  I didn't wake up at this point, but I don't recall anything more.  Did my dream end there, or do I just not remember more?  No idea.  Why did I make it my responsibility to get the floor cleaned up before his mom came out of her room?  Why did nobody else seem to notice the water covering the floor?  Did I get the floor cleaned up?  Why won't the "feeling" of this dream leave me alone?

Weird. 

Six Words ~ Adoption Version

Harlow's Monkey has a great post today ~ her version of a 6-Word memoir about adoption experiences.

My six words? 

Even reunion can't heal the loss

Go leave yours and read the great (and maddening and heart-breaking) replies she has gotten  from all sides of adoption.

Four Years Ago Today...

Friday, January 16, 2009 

My life was forever changed.  

I was excited and looking forward to the weekend ahead which included one last Christmas celebration with my family as my brother and his family were finally able to travel back home.

I looked forward to the weekend not only for this last Christmas celebration, but also because it signified the beginning of a new journey in my life.  A vow I had made to myself.  As the holidays rolled around that year, I had come to realize just how much my living in denial had been effecting my life.  I decided that once the holidays were over I was going to begin to deal with the loss of my son to adoption and then try to search for him.

I was at work, counting down the last hour before I could leave and get a start on the weekend.  At 4:50 I called it quits as far as doing actual work and decided to check my hotmail account to see if I had anything other than junk mail there.  You see, I had opened that hotmail account strictly for getting my info "out there" on the www on a few adoption reunion websites.  When I had first created the email account, I checked it every day.  As the months and years drug along, I checked it less and less often.  On that fateful January day four years ago, it had probably been 6 or 7 months since I had checked it.  I FULLY expected to see nothing but junk mail there. 

Imagine my surprise when first I saw an email dated January 5th from someone who said "Please contact me, I have a son who is looking for his birth family and it matches your posting. Thanks, Kim ###-###-####.  He is very excited, please call."

The next email was dated January 9th and said "Your birth son is looking for you!!! I think we can start many ?'s with answers nearly 30 years later. Please feel free to email me directly at..."

I will never forget that feeling, the loss of breath, the beating of my heart, the fear, the elation, the caution I was putting on my heart immediately to not fully believe that I was the "right" mom found.  So much was going on in my heart, mind, and soul in that moment.  I'm surprised I was able to act normal and leave work without letting on what had just happened. 

As soon as I left, I took out my cell phone to call Kim who I assumed was my son's adoptive mother.  She answered with a cheerful "Hello" in a very strong southern accent.  My first thought was "Where in the world did they send him???".  After a confusing moment for both of us, she realized that I thought she was his mom ~ when in reality she was a search angel.  To add to the "meant to be" part of our reunion, Kim only helps with searches in the two states she has lived in as she knows the laws/resources there well.  When she saw one of the postings where Christopher was able to write a little about his search, she just got a strong feeling that she wanted "to help him find his momma" ~ even though his adoption had taken place in Iowa, where she had never searched before.  The first place she went to see if she could find me was the reunion registry at adoption. com and there I was.

The rest, as they say, is history! 

I am so very thankful that I can celebrate this day of having my son back in my life.  It's so hard to believe that we are entering into our 5th year together.  In some ways it seems like just a couple of years, in others it seems like much longer. 

Each year has seen mile-stones in our lives. 

2009 started with finding and getting to know each other through many, many emails, ending with a Christmas day phone call ~ the first time I ever heard his voice!

2010 we met face-to-face for the first time.

2011 Christopher arranged a surprise visit and my dream of having all my kids together came true.

2012 I was able to meet his mom and spent 4 wonderful hours hearing stories about Christopher's childhood and about his parents and extended family.  I truly enjoyed getting to know this wonderful woman! 

2013 ~ what do you have in store for us??  

I dream of meeting his children, his beautiful wife.  

I dream of seeing him in person again, it's been almost a year since 

I have looked into his beautiful eyes.  

I am blessed...  so very, very blessed to have my son back in my life.  

Pregnancy And/Or Adoption As A Punishment?

Another great post by Deanna Shrodes today.  If you haven't discovered Deanna yet, you need to go read some of her wonderful writings.  She blogs at Adoptee Restoration as well as at Lost Daughters.   In her own words, Deanna is an "Adult Adoptee. Compassionate. Helper. Pastor. Wife and Mother. Coffee Lover. Loudest Laugh in the Room. Friend You Haven't Met Yet".  I will highlight a few quotes from her latest post, but I do hope you will go visit her blog as well as Lost Daughters if you don't already read there either.  

Here is some of what Deanna wrote about unplanned pregnancies, from her viewpoint as an adoptee:

Our president, who is pro-choice, grieved me back in 2008. He made a statement about the importance of sex education, which I do agree is important.  As the speech went on he said, "I've got two daughters. 9 years old and 6 years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby."


As an adoptee, and as a human being in general, I felt like I was punched in the gut.

"Punished with a baby."

The words stung.

I hate those words. I hate them, hate them, hate them.

Was I a punishment?

I certainly felt like one at times.

 I've spent many hours in a counseling chair because I felt like someone's punishment. Finally one day I had to realize whether I was expected or relinquished, whatever my beginning or the circumstances that surrounded my birth, my life was ordained by God. 

I am no one's punishment.


"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3

Did you catch that?
 

Deanna goes on to write about the perception some people have that it is the unwed mothers who deserve punishment:

 She should have known better.
She made a mistake.
But now, she can make up for it, if she is willing to face the consequences.

She is encouraged that she can "make a new start" and "make all things work together for good", by giving the baby as a gift to a childless couple.

She is seen as atoning for her wrong (sex and pregnancy outside of wedlock) by giving the baby to a desperate and deserving couple.

What started out horribly wrong can now redeemed as she makes someone else's dreams come true and can move on with her own...after enduring the punishment. The anguish of saying goodbye to her child will be great...in fact almost unbearable. But she is reminded - sin is costly. All along the way she is encouraged  that although she really messed up, she can bring good out of a bad situation by giving the ultimate gift to another. 

Lastly, I would like to share her words to fellow Christians.  These words speak to those who use Christianity to sell adoption:

Brothers and sisters in Christ, I appeal to you that we don't have the ability to atone for our own sins. The Bible says none of us are without sin. The young lady who conceives a child out of wedlock is no different from you or I who gossip, hold bitterness or are gluttons. There is only one way to salvation. It is not through an adoption agency. It is not through relinquishing nor adopting.  We are only saved by grace, through faith.  Only the work that Christ did on the cross can forgive our shortcomings. The Bible says that God has not appointed us unto wrath (punishment) but to receive salvation. He covered all of our sins, mistakes and failures on the cross. We can't work hard enough or make enough good choices to make up for all our wrongs. How dare we boast that anyone can redeem themselves by choosing adoption! What a slap in the face to the accomplished work of Christ. There is only one person who can give us a truly new start.  We are new creations through Christ, not through the world's adoption system. In and of ourselves, we do not cause all things to work together for good. There is only One who came to make all things right -- His name is Jesus Christ. A new start comes through Him, not by giving up a baby. We are only free because of what He did, not by what we can do. It is an abomination to a Holy God to attribute atonement, salvation,and  redemption to a worldly form of adoption. Being "adopted in Christ" (as all believers are) has absolutely nothing to do with being adopted in a worldly sense. Pressuring  a young lady to give up her baby so that she or the situation can be "redeemed" is not only terrible theology, it is cruel and inhumane.
 

Thank you Deanna for being brave enough to speak out the words of your heart regarding adoption!

Oh ~ and by the way ~ if we are ever lucky enough to be in the same room together Deanna, I think I might have you beat on the loudest laugh in the room!

Post Holidays Blues

Nothing like the holidays to throw some adoption loss blues into your life...

No matter that I've been living with this for almost 34 years now.  No matter that we have known each other for almost 4 years now.  No matter that I have come to a place of "acceptance" about the loss of my son to adoption.

Grief STILL finds a way in.

The thing is ~ you never know what is going to trigger the grief.  In my case, it's coming from a few things right now.  Christmas and New Years of course are tinged with loss.  Add to that my oldest raised son who has pulled himself and his kids away from our family while he focuses on some personal/marital issues.  While in my head I know I'm not losing them too ~ all my heart knows is fear of losing yet another son and the close relationship I have had with his children.  Last but not least are all the wonderful photos I have had the joy of seeing from Christopher's life over these holidays.  While it is so wonderful to be able to see them, it is also bittersweet to see him with a family that is not my own.  It's so hard to see his kids in a photo with all their cousins ~ and the cousins are not my other grandchildren...  It's so hard to see the beautiful son & daughter of my son who are yet are not my grandchildren.  It was all the beautiful photos that brought the grief out.  Seeing the wonderful man my son has become.  Who is yet isn't a part of my life.  Seeing his kids who only know me through the gifts I send.  *sigh*

At least now I realize where this grief is coming from.  I lived for three decades not realizing where the holiday blues were coming from.  Now I know that fighting it will only make it worse, so I'm acknowledging it, falling into it, allowing it to be, so that it can hopefully work it's way through and out of my life for a while again.

Adoption.  The gift that keeps on giving...