Adoption and Rejection ~ from those who live it

There was an interesting discussion among several adopted people yesterday on facebook.  As I was reading the replies to the question posed, I was thinking that any mother considering adoption for her unborn child should have to read it also.  For you cannot go into a fully informed decision for adoption until you have learned about how that choice might possibly effect your child in the future.

The discussion was about the Psychology Today article "10 Surprising Facts About Rejection".  A question was posed asking if others who were adopted felt that #10 on the list ("10. There are ways to treat the psychological wounds rejection inflicts.") was true for those who were adopted.  Below is the question posed and some of the replies.  I asked if it would be ok to post their discussion here ~ some preferred I use their names and some preferred to stay anonymous. 

Thanks to all of you who allowed me to share this discussion!

The Question:

Adoptees, I would like you to share your thoughts on this article. We all face rejection, and we all know it runs viral among the adopted. I see myself in a lot of the traits posted in this column. I don't see #10 in the same light as the author. Thoughts?

 When I began delving into adoption it was the same day as my discovery coming up on 8-years-ago. I was very surprised when I learned that rejection is an adopted person's hugest trigger. While everyone fears rejection, it is 10-fold among we adoptees. "The Primal Wound" details how relinquished babies experience a rejection as soon as we are removed from our mothers. It is a trauma we never overcome.

I cannot totally agree with #10. While there are treatments for feelings of rejection and abandonment, no one I know of has as of yet cured "the primal wound." If someone were to I know they would make millions. Have any of you cured the Primal Wound?

"Number 10 feels off to me, too. We may think we've gotten past feeling a certain way, but something can send us down the rabbit hole where we feel old stings anew. At least "I" do. I hesitate to say we, but I know I've heard other express similar feelings over the years.
I think the best I can do is learn to cope with my emotions and everything that goes along with them better. For me, this is a lifelong process of constantly tweaking my thinking and how I treat myself."

"I can't cure the Primal Wound, but sometimes I can slap a big enough bandaid on it so that I can cope."

"I don't feel we can *fix* the Primal Wound.... Only learn coping skills. Not a professional - but I have lived it."

"They may not be taking into account trauma that occurs in infancy. There's definitely a difference because the infant has no knowledge of it's self before the trauma. Check out www.lifeworkscommunity.com for more about this. They also have a page on FB. Paul Sunderland also has a video on YouTube, "Lecture on Adoption", where he talks about this. He's from the UK and trained for many years in addiction. He found such a strong link between adoption and addiction that he began looking deeper into the effects of adoption (or relinquishment, as he calls it). He talks extensively about PTSD. Very interesting!"

"damn, just reading that article...makes me feel hurt."

"Very interesting, especially 7 and 9 for me"

Holly Carter: "You can't correct the Primal Wound. We don't have a self before the actual wound. We can't go back to before because there is no before. We are severed forever and will always carry that with us. While it can be put in the closet and set on a shelf, every so often, when entering the closet, it can jump off the shelf at the most inappropriate times. Also, until society realizes that we have this real pain with adoption and society allows us to grieve our loss, there won't be a real healing of this rejection. I feel it is always there, we just learn to live with it & put it aside & it will erupt at any given time, weather we realize it or not. I'm pretty sure that's why I can talk circles around people when I don't really want to answer a question or discuss something. Hope this makes sense."

"I can see how someone with an adoption rejection experience could find him/herself with twice as much time as others just thinking and anticipating a rejection before it even happens. It's like hiking 200 ft up a hill and back tracking 200 ft and going back up again....the stress is at maximum"

"Holly states it very well…there is no cure for the Primal Wound……Before I read that book, I also read Being Adopted the life long search for self and between the two books…It was such an epiphany for me on how I maneuvered my life…not to risk..not to trust….leave a relationship before one can leave me….Divorce rate is higher among adoptees as well according to a book I read…Our adoptee issues always seems to be there…it is how we manage it all so it doesn't get too overwhelming at one time or moment…"

"I agree that there is no cure for the primal wound, & I've often wondered if those of us that are adopted are so conditioned to it that we subconsciously set ourselves up for more rejection by subtle things like body language & facial expressions, especially to people who tend to be human predators whose skills are honed to smell fear & pounce on it."

From a natural mother: "The saddest thing to me is how much I wanted my daughter. I wasn't looking to abandon. I was told the biggest lie of coercion; If you love her enough you will allow her to have the nuclear family she deserves. No one told me she would feel abandoned or have any negative effects about adoption. And that's why I do what I can to help young pregnant women know the truth. My apology from all of your mothers."

"in reading number 10 I would say it falls along the line with PEER therapy…releasing all the stored negative emotions that exist in the body…self soothing only works so well and having other people soothe us is not always realistic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3euHCetX34"

"my birth mother was told the same set of lies. It took me awhile to fill her in about my not-so-positive adoption experience and she was devastated to find out things weren't all rosy as she was promised. Young women in distress are prone and want to believe the best case scenarios, especially if those around them are all sending the same message. Adoption should be a last resort, not looked at as the perfect solution."

Jodi Gibson Haywood:  "#10 sounds kind of vague. Rejection definitely does not respond to reason or logical thought, especially with adoption wounds. Decades after the fact I discovered I wasn't actually given up, but taken in a family abduction. That did nothing to ease the pain of rejection. The primal wound is incurable. Some days the pain can be managed better than others."

"I think that the important part of #10 is, "To do so effectively we must address each of our psychological wounds... " Because our emotions run HOT it is very hard to stop long enough to calmly and coolly "address" our wounds. Personal experience - I was told by a cousin that I was not wanted. Not by my Mother or Father - No one wanted me. My Mom and Dad felt sorry for me so they took me in. Sound familiar?? Then when I was in grade school a classmate told me that being adopted meant that my Mother was a prostitute!! Lovely, eh. Well, my Mom (at this point - the 50s) was very forthcoming with what she had been told (which proved to be true) so my wound was bandaged by what she told me... BUT throughout my life I have heard the same crap over and over about adoptees and/or why children are surrendered for adoption. It is a very sore point with me. After two years of addressing this point with a useless - USELESS - therapist (?) in my early 20s, I talked to a neighbor who was a Psychiatrist and he asked me one simple question (that I would never have heard or thought of in an emotional fervor), "Did your cousin, schoolmate, or any of these people who say that your or anyone else's Mothers didn't want them know the Mothers?" Because of my own personal life situation at the time I was able to look back at these situation and realize that all of these people (or their parents who had planted the idea in their heads) were all talking out of their asses. This was not the end of having to deal with feelings of being "other" or not good enough But it was the beginning of awakening and working for reform."

Wendy Blitzer Barkett: "Tylenol??? Really??? Tylenol actually makes me feel the need to throw up, perhaps now I know why. It's trying to fight with rejection, and rejection wins out every time.
Someone mentioned the band aide and that I can relate to. I had no idea that I pushed people to see how long it would take them to leave, to reject me, to walk away. I knew I did it, I never knew why. It was when I pushed my husband while we were engaged that the fear that he might actually leave hit me. For the first time, I was pushing someone away that I didn't want to leave, and so I stopped, for the most part.
Years later I read about rejection and abandonment and being an adoptee and how they all related to each other.
I don't think we can ever cure it, or heal it per say. Make it less painful, yes, for sure. Even tylenol will do that!
But there are plenty of healthy, as well as rather unhealthy ways, to erase the rejection feelings. Some refer to healing their inner child. I can't relate to that. If there ever is a cure, or a clinical study, I'd be sure to think about giving it a shot. Until then I just ignore it."

Jodi Gibson Haywood:  "the fact is that prolonged separation from your mother, as a baby or young child, is automatically perceived as rejection because we're not capable of understanding the circumstances behind it. Whether we were abandoned, abducted, or orphaned in the true sense of the word, it feels the same. It also makes us especially vulnerable to - and traumatized by - subsequent rejections. My healing is coming from acknowledging the primal wound while not allowing it to define me. Not an easy thing to do, but less negative side effects than the self-destructive stuff I did before."

"I do believe there is a way to address and treat our wounds. One way is to be aware of self defeating behavior that may elicit rejection and make changes in our imteractions with others. I have done this in my own life. Am I "cured"? Of all wounds? No. But the pain lessons with time. Like cully mentioned about those people who didn't know what they were talking about, sometimes logic can help me see that it isn't just me walking around wounded. Everyone has their baggage and fears rejection so I have learned not to take it as personal when it happens. Painful? Yes. But I can soothe my wounds by spending time with those who love me and have shown they won't reject me. (Of course this takes trust)."

"Just look in the animal kingdom at how mothers react when separated from their babies…they scream, cry and mourn and their babies if alive do the same…why do we think it should be different for human beings? I think that the loss is so understood by so many in the subconscious and for that reason no one really wants to talk about…it's unthinkable and yet is happens all the time. These are defenses we have and our mothers have, and the goal is SURVIVAL. It's so devastating, so horrible, so unfathomable that these defenses help us and our mothers survive them. I don't believe the primal wound can ever be completely healed, but I do think we can learn new coping skills…since we survived we can do anything!"

The Bond Between A Mother and Her Child

The bond between a mother and her child is naturally sacred. It is physical, psychological and spiritual. It is very resilient and very flexible. It can stretch very far - naturally. Any artificial or violent injury to this "stretch" constitutes a serious psychic trauma to both mother and child - for all eternity. This means that children need their mothers and mothers need their children - whether or not a mother is married or unmarried.

Source: Mothers On Trial, The Battle For Children and Custody, 1986, 1987


  These words are so very, very true.  Adoption loss is forever.  And forever is a very long time...

Pregnant?  Considering adoption?  Go learn.  Click on the tab above "For Mothers Considering Adoption".  Click on any of the blogs on my blog roll to the right.  Go learn from other mothers of adoption loss and from adoptees who are now adults speaking out about growing up adopted. 

 

 

Mother and Child by Gustav Klimt 

 

Beyond "Philomena"

I wish that everyone would watch the movie "Philomena". 

I wish that everyone who saw the movie would know that there are millions of Philomenas ~ not only in Ireland but also in the United States of America, Canada, Australia and many other countries. 

I wish that everyone knew that the horrors shown in "Philomena" are not just of a time gone by.  Mothers and their adult children are still kept apart, are still outright denied and also lied to in order to keep them from finding each other. 

I have read many wonderful articles and blog posts about Philomena ~ the book & movie as well as the strong woman speaking out so many decades later.  I am linking to a couple of posts that have been written in the last couple of days that bring attention to not only Philomena's story, but also the story beyond Philomena.

Yesterday Kathryn Joyce had an article in  RH Reality Check "Philomena Reminds Us That The "Baby Scoop Era" Affected Millions".  If you don't want to read any spoilers to the movie, skip reading the first section, start at "The "Baby Scoop Era"".  Kathryn's article is an excellent review of not just the movie, but of our own Philomenas here in the United States.

This fall, I sat in a room full of mothers at CUB’s annual retreat—women who had relinquished children for adoption ten, 20, or 40 years before. It was a room moved easily to tears, as panel after panel included personal testimonies from women who, decades later, were still hoping to reconnect with their now-adult children, or who had found their children and reunited, only to have them later pull away, overwhelmed by the weight of emotion. No matter how many years they were removed from that loss, the women I met still mourned. And many were still angry.
Representing that anger might have perhaps made Philomena a less palatable film for many mainstream viewers, but as the Post’s review suggests, even a modicum of anger over the sacrosanct institution of adoption can prompt blinding defensiveness.
I thought of this moment when I read that review, imagining that there was no way someone could sit in the midst of that much collective grief and come away to claim that what happened to these women was charity, or remotely a choice. And I thought about it again when I later watched Philomena myself, in a matinee screening in an outer borough of New York, where two women in their 60s remained in their seats, staring at the credits, long after the theater had emptied.

Today Lynn Grubb has an excellent post "My mother is an American Philomena".  She also writes about Kathryn Joyce's article and goes on to write about her own mother, another "Philomena".  Her words brought tears to my eyes.  It was so validating to read an adopted person's words that speak so eloquently and with such understanding for what us mothers faced.  Please go read her entire post, but I am sharing some of what spoke to this mom's heart:

Society shunned people like my mother. My mother was only being human -- doing what people do -- having sex with someone she cared about. The people around her (family, society, authorities) said that because she was single and pregnant, she was bad. That message took root and created the shame that many original mothers live with today.

I do not accept how my mother was treated nor will I stand by and stay silent while new women every day are being shuffled into the Adoption Machine.

"But it was HER choice" . . . you say.

What kind of choices are truly available to women when there is no family support, no societal support and no financial support?

Even today, there are women who fall into this category. I disagree that these women should be persuaded to relinquish their flesh and blood. Instead of feeding the Adoption Machine, we need to have more compassion for women in a crisis pregnancy.

A woman does not need pressuring for or against adoption. . . she needs support in believing that she is good enough to parent her own child, regardless of marital or financial status.

When she believes that she is good enough for her child, then she will begin to look for the resources to parent. If she decides to relinquish, she will have (hopefully) done so from a place of empowerment, not desperation.

Let's stop acting like relinquishing one's child is a panacea to moving on with one's life. Let's acknowledge and embrace the Philomenas walking among us.

They deserve to be heard.

Amen...

Proposed "Baby Veronica" Law brings back memories...

I was just reading the article about the proposed "Baby Veronica" law in Oklahoma.  Reading that the bill would require birth parents to go before a judge to sign away parental rights. I found myself lost in remembering and wondering...

I don't remember if this was before or after Christopher was born.  I think it was after?  I remember sitting in an office talking to a "counselor" about the adoption hearing that would be/had been scheduled.  She was telling me that it was my choice to attend the hearing or not.  She told me that if I attended it I would be sworn in to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.  She then told me that the judge would ask me several questions about why I was giving my child up for adoption.  That he would ask if adoption was truly what I wanted.  She told me that if I told him the truth that he probably wouldn't let me give my baby up.  (For I didn't "want" to give him up ~ I felt that I "had" to give him up.)

I remember the panic.  I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to go in front of that judge and lie to him.  What if he wouldn't "let" me give my baby up?? 

I remember the counselor repeating this process to me a couple of times.  To be sure I understood.  Was she telling me this to ensure that I wouldn't go to court to relinquish my rights ~ so that the judge wouldn't stop the adoption?  Or maybe...  maybe she was trying to get me to see that adoption wasn't what I really wanted nor had to do? 

I wonder...

I do know that if I had been made to go in front of a judge I would not have been able to tell him that I wanted to give my son up for adoption.

Not that this changes anything. 

Just makes me wonder though...

Five Years Ago Today ~

My life changed once again.

Before this day five years ago, I defined my life as "before" and "after".  Before I lost my firstborn son to adoption and after.

At 4:50 pm on January 16, 2009 my life again changed ~ never to be the same again.  Now I have another "after" ~ after reunion!

I learned that Christopher was indeed alive!  And healthy and happy.  And that he grew up with wonderful parents.

What a whirlwind my life became in the days, weeks, months, indeed years became after reading those wonderful first emails!

As in the previous years since then, this year did hold some big moments.  I finally got to meet my handsome and charming 6 year old grandson and sweet little almost 4 year old granddaughter in July.  In September Christopher & family got to meet some of my closest friends when we all traveled east to attend his art gallery opening.  There I also got to see and visit with Christopher's mom again ~ as well as finally meeting his dad, sister & her hubby, and his mother-in-law. 

Life is good...

I don't know if I have ever mentioned that I am a quilter.  I have had some hand-dyed fabrics for several months but I didn't know what I was going to do with them.  The fabrics were a set of browns called "Earth" and a set of fire colors called "Fire".  They were too beautiful to cut into just willy nilly so they have been sitting on my cutting table for me to look at whenever I was in my sewing room.  One day a couple of weeks ago I was looking at some photos of my son and his artwork when suddenly I knew what those fabrics were supposed to be!  The process of creating this piece became a meditation for me.  As I sewed (and ripped out many seams!) I thought about our (Christopher & I) relationship compared to earth & fire, to firing ceramics in a wood-fired kiln.  The quilt turned out beautifully ~ I named it "Of The Earth ~ Into The Fire".  Where every quilt I'm working on/finishing at the moment seems to be my favorite one, I think this one might stay at the top of the list for a while!

"Of The Earth ~ Into The Fire" and the inspiration behind it

Are You or Is Your Daughter Facing Unexpected Pregnancy?

I still get many hits from google searches for this topic. 

I have added some new blog posts/articles to my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page. 

I try to keep this updated so that people landing here in the panic of unexpected pregnancy can learn that adoption isn't all sunshine and rainbows. 

Nor is adoption ever an "easy" answer to what is being perceived as a "problem" that needs to be solved.  It is often however a permanent solution to a temporary problem!

Adoption is forever.

And forever is a very long time.

You don't only lose your child, you lose your motherhood.  And future grandchildren.

Please go and read ~ learn as much as you can before you make a choice for or against adoption!

Adoption Loss - It should be so simple...

I

Just

Don't

Get

It...


It should be so simple...

Why can't people SEE and UNDERSTAND the foundation of adoption?

Yes, when it's necessary adoption can be a wonderful thing.

BUT...

It's built upon great loss and tragedy.  Necessary due to abuse of any sort?  That's still a tragedy.  Necessary due to finances?  Necessary due to the mother being made to feel she's not good enough for some temporary reason?  That's even more tragic. 

Did you read that?  Adoption is built upon a foundation of great loss and tragedy.  Adoption cannot happen without a family facing unimaginable loss and trauma that lasts a lifetime. 

The beauty of adoption doesn't take away the ugly of relinquishment. 

The story of adoption should be:
   Yes ~ it's tragic what happened.  Thank God that a family was found for this child who has already suffered such great loss.  Thank God for this family who understands the great loss involved and will honor all that goes along with that loss. 

Adoption is supposed to be about finding a family for a child who needs one.

But that's not how the story goes...

Adoption has become nothing more than finding a child for a family who needs wants one. 

Oh ~ and the unregulated $13 Billion/year industry that is at the heart of it all.

Then we have the cries "But what about the infertiles?"  "They have so much love to give"  "They suffer such grief from their empty arms".

What about them indeed.  I have great sympathy and empathy for women who are unable to conceive or carry a baby to term.  I really do ~ I cannot begin to imagine the depth of that loss.

I just don't get why it's ok for the mother of adoption loss to live with that life-long deep grief and loss but it's not ok for an infertile woman to live with it...

I

Just

Don't

Get

It...

National Adoption Awareness Month - Day 1

Today is the first day of National Adoption Awareness Month.  I am going to try to post often during this NAAM ~ focusing on adoptees since that's what adoption is supposed to be about!

This month was created to bring awareness to the children who are available for adoption through foster care.  However, the adoption industry has high-jacked it to be a month long advertisement for their multi-Billion $$ per year industry. 

Adoption in the case of getting kids out of foster care is a wonderful thing ~ every child deserves to be raised in a loving and caring family. 

Adoption in the case of domestic infant adoption is completely different from foster care adoption. 

Adoption ~ even when an absolute necessity such as a mother and father having no desire to raise their child, or if abuse is a part of their lives ~ adoption is built upon loss.  Even if the adoption is a storybook example, that doesn't take away the fact that the infant had to lose everything in order to be adopted. 

The message of awareness that I would like to get across is that adoption should be a last resort.  Adoption is supposed to be about providing a loving home to a child who NEEDS one.  It should never be about providing a child to a home that WANTS one. 

Adoption today is different ~ they say.  Yes, it is different.  We can no longer say that adoption is only sunshine and rainbows for all involved.  There are too many people telling their stories, too many studies easily available.  It is  known now the life-long effects of adoption on those adopted, the natural mothers, as well as the adoptive parents.  It is time that people in the general public became aware of the reality of adoption and quit allowing the adoption industry to sell it's lies. 

Adoption today is built upon a foundation of loss and lies.  Even in an era of open adoption adoptees are still denied the truth of their own birth.  Only a few states allow all adoptees to receive a factual copy of their birth information.  What a crime that is! 

Speaking of lies in adoption, for this first day of National Adoption Awareness Month 2013, I'm going to share a request from an adult adoptee:

Dear Friends,
I am working on a slide show and power point presentation on the history of lies and corruption in adoption. one of the sections includes lies surrounding our adoptions. I would like to show the photo of the person along with 3 or 4 sentences describing the lies, corruption, or deceit.

Please consider participating in this by private messaging me your story along with any photo you are comfortable sharing. This will be presented by me in November at a conference on adoption with the primary audience comprised of a-parents and social workers. I want to sock people in the gut with this seminar.

Also, please spread the word. I would like tons of these experiences to pick through; especially lies propagated through agencies and case-workers.

Thanks,
Jeff Hancock

 You can share your lies with Jeff through his facebook page.  If you aren't fb friends with Jeff, send them to me and I will forward them to him ~ either message me through my facebook page or email them to me at findingchristopher at gmail.  Jeff is looking for photos/messages from adoptees as well as natural moms & dads. 

Here is what I'm sending to Jeff:

I was told that I wasn't allowed to see or hold my son when he was born.  Yet I was allowed a one hour visit with him when he was three weeks old ~ doing my best to be a "good birthmother" so I didn't even consider easing my heartbreak and raising him myself.  I was also told that I would be breaking the law if I EVER searched for him. Thank goodness I didn't care if it was true or not and signed up on some reunion registries online making it possible for my son to find me!  After almost 30 years I was finally able to learn that he was indeed alive ~ as well as healthy and happy. 

Some Big Moments Have Happened

I have tried a few times to write here these last several months, but so much of what I wanted to write about seemed too personal.  There was too much of Christopher in the telling of what I wanted to write...

Or I was too mad and the post became a huge rant as we all got proof that adoption is no longer about what is best for the child ~ it's all about the money paid and received...


Some big moments have happened in this adoption reunion journey of ours.

In July  ~

 I met Christopher's wife & children! 

 There are no words 

~ the joy in finally looking into the eyes of my grandson & granddaughter

~to at last meet his beautiful wife 

(who was/is an instrumental part of Christopher 

continuing to move forward in this relationship)

The night was magic ~

I was thoroughly entertained by a very
beyond-his-years 6 year old with no front teeth.  

An adorable little 3 year old who didn't say two words at the restaurant
who opened up completely at home where I heard the sweetest words

"Grandma, will you please read me my favorite book?".  

In August ~

An art gallery was showing Christopher's work
and I wasn't going to miss opening night!

Driving to the gallery that night,
I was excited to see Christopher, 

his lovely wife and kids

as well as his mom again

to finally meet his dad in person.  

to introduce my life-long friends who came along.

However...

The in-laws, cousins, sister & husband, 

friends who were going to be there 

had me getting lost in fear.  

of judgement

in the insecurity of my place in his life... 

While completely enjoying the time at the gallery ~

feeling so proud of Christopher, 

seeing his beautiful artwork in a gallery.

Feeling so full of happiness watching him talk with my friends

Meeting his dad, sister and brother-in-law.  

Deep inside however ~

I was lost in the worrying
what did his extended family think of me being there?

Did they look at me as the intruder who didn't belong?  

As the whore who became pregnant so young?  

As the horrible mother who gave her child away?  

*sigh*

Feeling "not good enough"
Again...

Then in the days afterward ~

anger at myself for going to that place of deep insecurity

confused as to why I let that happen... 

In the weeks since then I have been reading some of my old blog posts,
some of my favorite blog posts by others.
I wish I had read them before the gallery opening... 

Especially these words from a post I wrote three years ago~

I realized that I was choosing to let other people's attitudes take away from my authenticity.

Nobody can take away my motherhood. I cannot un-birth any of my children, even the son I did not raise.

I don't want to live in the damn closet anymore, nobody can force me back in there.

Nobody can tell me that Christopher is any less my child than the children I raised. The love I feel for him is no less than the love I have for all my children.
 

When we were together on Saturday, it was as mother and son, not strangers.

If that makes anyone uncomfortable, I don't care. It is the truth!

In another old favorite post from Tiny Budda I learned that
Sometimes We Need To Go Backward...

“Sometimes, you feel as though you are riding the bicycle backwards. You feel like you are backtracking and heading in the wrong direction, but really what’s happening is contraction and release. The universe is preparing you for something much greater and like a sling shot, it’s going to shoot you forward—you just have to move backwards for a little bit.”

And so ~
I have been shot forward.
I'm feeling strong in living my truth again.
Even stronger than before.


Just in time for November...

What Can A Tiny Baby Know?

A great article from Adoptee Voices Magazine by Karl Stenske:

"Adoptee View, What Can A Tiny Baby Know?" 

I have added this post on my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page.  Any expectant mother considering adoption must learn of the possible effects relinquishment could have on their child.

While this article is a great one, there is much more to be learned from all of the comments on it.  Great discussion, many adult adoptees speaking out of their experience of being adopted.

Great Links: "Birth" Mothers and Adoptees Views on Adoption

"Birth" Mothers and Adoptees Views on Adoption

 Found the above article today with MANY great links to read the view point of those living with adoption loss in their lives.  Those adopted as well as the mothers ~ aka birthmother, birth mother.  As much as I dislike that term, it has to be used for search engines to possibly find this...

I added this page to my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page.  Even though I'm not actively blogging anymore, that page continues to regularly get hits.  I hope and pray that it's helping moms make educated choices for or against adoption...  Sadly, the search terms that usually hit that page are from moms with pregnant teens or moms with unmarried pregnant daughters.  Moms ~ HELP your daughter become the best mom she can be! Love her through this unexpected life change ~ don't condemn her to a life without her child unless necessary due to abuse of any kind.

Facing an Unexpected Pregnancy?

I added a couple of new links to my  "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page.  (The page tabs are right there, above the title of this post.)  I thought I would make a post with these resources, they seem like great ones for young moms, for moms facing an unexpected pregnancy.  These links have nothing to do with adoption, they are written by young moms who themselves had unexpected pregnancies. 

Many of the hits on my blog are from searches regarding unexpected pregnancy, so if you are one of those searchers, I hope you go check out some of the reading material I have there for you!  

Here are the links I added today:

 Unplanned Pregnancy by Tiny Blue Lines

Knocked Up by Early Mama: Redefining the Young Mom.  A great blog, more than just this post!

Finding My Voice ~ Taking Back My Power

For so long I kept silent.

 

As I thought I was expected to do in those days.

 

My motherhood, my first born son, was only spoken of a handful of times in the almost 30 years between  the time he was born till the day I read those first emails four years ago.  

 

I kept silent.

 

Out of doing what I thought was the right thing.  Out of fear.  Out of shame ~ shame of first becoming pregnant, then shame of giving my own child away. 

 

Not that I knew how to put into words what I had gone through anyways.  Nor did I have anyone care enough to ask me about it ~ while going through it all nor afterwards ~ so I had no reason to speak of any of it.  Oh, maybe they cared, but didn't know how or whether to bring it up.    

As is usually the case ~ when you close off one thing, you are actually closing off much more.  

Through fear of speaking about my motherhood or my child, I soon became afraid to speak my own opinions and thoughts on most things. 

I said what others wanted to hear.  What I thought I needed to say (and do) to prove that I really was a "good girl" despite the fact that I had gotten pregnant and given my child up.  I also lost my voice from fear of saying something "stupid" or wrong.  I can't blame that one on adoption though...

 

I hadn't even realized that I lost my voice until after reunion with Christopher.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  

All of the above has been sitting as a draft for quite a while...  Two things have happened in the last couple of days to bring me back to it.  

First ~ a couple of days ago in a private fb message the subject of what to call ones biological parents came up.  In my reply to that question, I wrote of why I don't want the title "birthmother" to be used for myself.  After I sent the reply, I felt bad that I had gone off on a rant to this person.  I apologized for it the next day, was told that it was ok & not a big deal but I still felt bad about it. 

 

Then today I read a blog post "on the power of our voices" by the wonderful artist kelly rae.

 

Reading her post brought me a few "a ha" moments.

 

* I wasn't ranting in that fb message.  I was simply speaking my opinion. 

 

* I didn't just lose my voice.  I gave it away.

 

* I didn't just give away my voice, I gave away my power.

I had spent so many years, decades, hiding my voice that what I felt was ranting was simply stating my stance on an issue.  And that's a good thing!

 

It was simply taking power over a piece of my life as a mother without her child.  

Speaking out in that message was nothing to be ashamed of, rather it was something that has been a long time coming.  Me taking back my voice.  Taking back power over my own life, my own story.  

In her post today, Kelly writes: 

Our voices are precious. Beautiful. Important. And they change the world.
May you be careful with yours. Be fierce around protecting it, nurturing it, and celebrating it, always.

 

 I will.  I will now stand stronger in my story, in my life, in the power of my voice.

 

 

 

 

 

If you haven't read Kelly's post yet, please take time to do that.  There was so much that I wanted to share here, so much that could have been written by/for me, it was almost her entire post!  So much of what she writes in this post is important for all of us who live with adoption loss.  We need each others voices, adoption reform needs our voices!!

  

Educate Yourself!

The Meaning of a Dream...

The "feeling" of that dream is still hanging on...

Where did that water come from?  It seems as though I was the only one able to see it, though the room was full of people.  Why was I so worried about getting it cleaned up before Christopher's mom saw the mess?  Why would she be able to see it if nobody else was able to?

Was it tears as Kelli and others commented? 

I do worry about Christopher's mom (as well as he himself) learning about how deeply losing him to adoption has hurt me.  Not that I feel that I have to keep that to myself, it's more that I don't want him/them to feel guilt over what adoption has cost me.  I especially don't want Christopher to ever take my pain onto himself and feel as though he is the one responsible for what adoption brought to my life.  So... it could be tears that the water symbolizes.  Although...

In the first few years of having Christopher back in my life, I had a deep fear that I would lose him again.  I obsessed over everything I wrote to him, scared to death that I might say something to scare him away forever.  However, 4+ years into this, I no longer worry about that.  If I haven't scared him away yet with some of the things I have said and done, I don't think it's possible!

Or was Rebecca onto something with it being water from child birth?

The feeling this dream has left me with is almost... primal?  That's the only word that comes to mind when trying to put a name to it.

I do think that it's my motherhood that is symbolized in the dream ~ the very fact that I gave birth to Christopher.  It's ok that I'm around, but not ok to have my full role (as a mother to Christopher) recognized or acknowledged.  In the dream I am being treated more as a "novelty" of sorts by the adults who do come over to visit with me.  Yes, a novelty...  You know, that legendary birthmother who did such a selfless, wonderful thing by letting my son be raised by another family.  On the other hand, the children all fully welcomed me, as children do in their innocence.  They didn't see my "title", they saw me the person, someone who adored children and enjoyed talking and laughing with them.  So maybe the water does represent amniotic fluid?

It breaks my heart that Christopher is in the dream by himself, not enjoying the family and friends in the room.  The "feeling" I have about this in the dream is that he feels stuck in the middle of two moms/two families.  It's as though he knows he's going to hurt one of us by showing love and/or affection towards the other.  I hate that.  How awful does that have to be for those who are adopted and feel that way? 

Ughhhh....  I wish I could get rid of this dream.  While it was just a pretty nice dream, a chance to "be" in the same room as the son I miss so horribly, it has become somewhat of a nightmare in my waking hours.  I have been in such a good place adoption-wise for a while now, this dream is really throwing me off.

Today especially.  As I was wondering why, I realize that it's almost exactly a month away from Christopher's birthday...

It's also been a year since I saw him last.

And I miss him...

Terribly...

Dreams...

I had a dream the other night that I can't get out of my mind.  Usually I can't even remember my dreams, so it's kinda bothering me that this one won't leave me alone.

I am sitting in the living room of Christopher's parents in the midst of a large family gathering.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, the whole works.  There are children of all ages running around, having fun.  Adults here and there visiting with each other.  Christopher's father is nowhere in sight, mom is in another room changing her clothes.  Don't know the reason for the clothes change but the "feeling" around it is that she is changing out of her church clothes into every-day clothes.  I'm sitting on a couch, surrounded by laughing and playing kids while holding a baby.  I think it's one of my grandbabies, but not really sure about that...  Christopher is sitting clear across the large room seemingly not paying any attention to me although I catch him stealing glances my way now and then.  He's not visiting with anyone, isn't social like everyone else there.  He's just sitting there in the chair.  Once in a while a family member and even Christopher's wife comes over to make small talk with me; although mostly it's the children keeping me company. 

As I'm enjoying the kids, all of a sudden water covers the floor from an unknown source.  I have the thought "oh no!  Not again!" and in my dream I'm realizing that I have had this same thing happen in previous dreams and I can't believe that it has happened again.  I am then in a panic to get the water cleaned up before Christopher's mom comes out of the bedroom to see the water all over.  I feel responsible for this, even though I had nothing to do with the water spilling from wherever it came from.  I'm almost in a panic at the thought of her discovering it there on the floor. 

The end.  I didn't wake up at this point, but I don't recall anything more.  Did my dream end there, or do I just not remember more?  No idea.  Why did I make it my responsibility to get the floor cleaned up before his mom came out of her room?  Why did nobody else seem to notice the water covering the floor?  Did I get the floor cleaned up?  Why won't the "feeling" of this dream leave me alone?

Weird. 

Six Words ~ Adoption Version

Harlow's Monkey has a great post today ~ her version of a 6-Word memoir about adoption experiences.

My six words? 

Even reunion can't heal the loss

Go leave yours and read the great (and maddening and heart-breaking) replies she has gotten  from all sides of adoption.

Four Years Ago Today...

Friday, January 16, 2009 

My life was forever changed.  

I was excited and looking forward to the weekend ahead which included one last Christmas celebration with my family as my brother and his family were finally able to travel back home.

I looked forward to the weekend not only for this last Christmas celebration, but also because it signified the beginning of a new journey in my life.  A vow I had made to myself.  As the holidays rolled around that year, I had come to realize just how much my living in denial had been effecting my life.  I decided that once the holidays were over I was going to begin to deal with the loss of my son to adoption and then try to search for him.

I was at work, counting down the last hour before I could leave and get a start on the weekend.  At 4:50 I called it quits as far as doing actual work and decided to check my hotmail account to see if I had anything other than junk mail there.  You see, I had opened that hotmail account strictly for getting my info "out there" on the www on a few adoption reunion websites.  When I had first created the email account, I checked it every day.  As the months and years drug along, I checked it less and less often.  On that fateful January day four years ago, it had probably been 6 or 7 months since I had checked it.  I FULLY expected to see nothing but junk mail there. 

Imagine my surprise when first I saw an email dated January 5th from someone who said "Please contact me, I have a son who is looking for his birth family and it matches your posting. Thanks, Kim ###-###-####.  He is very excited, please call."

The next email was dated January 9th and said "Your birth son is looking for you!!! I think we can start many ?'s with answers nearly 30 years later. Please feel free to email me directly at..."

I will never forget that feeling, the loss of breath, the beating of my heart, the fear, the elation, the caution I was putting on my heart immediately to not fully believe that I was the "right" mom found.  So much was going on in my heart, mind, and soul in that moment.  I'm surprised I was able to act normal and leave work without letting on what had just happened. 

As soon as I left, I took out my cell phone to call Kim who I assumed was my son's adoptive mother.  She answered with a cheerful "Hello" in a very strong southern accent.  My first thought was "Where in the world did they send him???".  After a confusing moment for both of us, she realized that I thought she was his mom ~ when in reality she was a search angel.  To add to the "meant to be" part of our reunion, Kim only helps with searches in the two states she has lived in as she knows the laws/resources there well.  When she saw one of the postings where Christopher was able to write a little about his search, she just got a strong feeling that she wanted "to help him find his momma" ~ even though his adoption had taken place in Iowa, where she had never searched before.  The first place she went to see if she could find me was the reunion registry at adoption. com and there I was.

The rest, as they say, is history! 

I am so very thankful that I can celebrate this day of having my son back in my life.  It's so hard to believe that we are entering into our 5th year together.  In some ways it seems like just a couple of years, in others it seems like much longer. 

Each year has seen mile-stones in our lives. 

2009 started with finding and getting to know each other through many, many emails, ending with a Christmas day phone call ~ the first time I ever heard his voice!

2010 we met face-to-face for the first time.

2011 Christopher arranged a surprise visit and my dream of having all my kids together came true.

2012 I was able to meet his mom and spent 4 wonderful hours hearing stories about Christopher's childhood and about his parents and extended family.  I truly enjoyed getting to know this wonderful woman! 

2013 ~ what do you have in store for us??  

I dream of meeting his children, his beautiful wife.  

I dream of seeing him in person again, it's been almost a year since 

I have looked into his beautiful eyes.  

I am blessed...  so very, very blessed to have my son back in my life.  

Pregnancy And/Or Adoption As A Punishment?

Another great post by Deanna Shrodes today.  If you haven't discovered Deanna yet, you need to go read some of her wonderful writings.  She blogs at Adoptee Restoration as well as at Lost Daughters.   In her own words, Deanna is an "Adult Adoptee. Compassionate. Helper. Pastor. Wife and Mother. Coffee Lover. Loudest Laugh in the Room. Friend You Haven't Met Yet".  I will highlight a few quotes from her latest post, but I do hope you will go visit her blog as well as Lost Daughters if you don't already read there either.  

Here is some of what Deanna wrote about unplanned pregnancies, from her viewpoint as an adoptee:

Our president, who is pro-choice, grieved me back in 2008. He made a statement about the importance of sex education, which I do agree is important.  As the speech went on he said, "I've got two daughters. 9 years old and 6 years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby."


As an adoptee, and as a human being in general, I felt like I was punched in the gut.

"Punished with a baby."

The words stung.

I hate those words. I hate them, hate them, hate them.

Was I a punishment?

I certainly felt like one at times.

 I've spent many hours in a counseling chair because I felt like someone's punishment. Finally one day I had to realize whether I was expected or relinquished, whatever my beginning or the circumstances that surrounded my birth, my life was ordained by God. 

I am no one's punishment.


"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3

Did you catch that?
 

Deanna goes on to write about the perception some people have that it is the unwed mothers who deserve punishment:

 She should have known better.
She made a mistake.
But now, she can make up for it, if she is willing to face the consequences.

She is encouraged that she can "make a new start" and "make all things work together for good", by giving the baby as a gift to a childless couple.

She is seen as atoning for her wrong (sex and pregnancy outside of wedlock) by giving the baby to a desperate and deserving couple.

What started out horribly wrong can now redeemed as she makes someone else's dreams come true and can move on with her own...after enduring the punishment. The anguish of saying goodbye to her child will be great...in fact almost unbearable. But she is reminded - sin is costly. All along the way she is encouraged  that although she really messed up, she can bring good out of a bad situation by giving the ultimate gift to another. 

Lastly, I would like to share her words to fellow Christians.  These words speak to those who use Christianity to sell adoption:

Brothers and sisters in Christ, I appeal to you that we don't have the ability to atone for our own sins. The Bible says none of us are without sin. The young lady who conceives a child out of wedlock is no different from you or I who gossip, hold bitterness or are gluttons. There is only one way to salvation. It is not through an adoption agency. It is not through relinquishing nor adopting.  We are only saved by grace, through faith.  Only the work that Christ did on the cross can forgive our shortcomings. The Bible says that God has not appointed us unto wrath (punishment) but to receive salvation. He covered all of our sins, mistakes and failures on the cross. We can't work hard enough or make enough good choices to make up for all our wrongs. How dare we boast that anyone can redeem themselves by choosing adoption! What a slap in the face to the accomplished work of Christ. There is only one person who can give us a truly new start.  We are new creations through Christ, not through the world's adoption system. In and of ourselves, we do not cause all things to work together for good. There is only One who came to make all things right -- His name is Jesus Christ. A new start comes through Him, not by giving up a baby. We are only free because of what He did, not by what we can do. It is an abomination to a Holy God to attribute atonement, salvation,and  redemption to a worldly form of adoption. Being "adopted in Christ" (as all believers are) has absolutely nothing to do with being adopted in a worldly sense. Pressuring  a young lady to give up her baby so that she or the situation can be "redeemed" is not only terrible theology, it is cruel and inhumane.
 

Thank you Deanna for being brave enough to speak out the words of your heart regarding adoption!

Oh ~ and by the way ~ if we are ever lucky enough to be in the same room together Deanna, I think I might have you beat on the loudest laugh in the room!

Post Holidays Blues

Nothing like the holidays to throw some adoption loss blues into your life...

No matter that I've been living with this for almost 34 years now.  No matter that we have known each other for almost 4 years now.  No matter that I have come to a place of "acceptance" about the loss of my son to adoption.

Grief STILL finds a way in.

The thing is ~ you never know what is going to trigger the grief.  In my case, it's coming from a few things right now.  Christmas and New Years of course are tinged with loss.  Add to that my oldest raised son who has pulled himself and his kids away from our family while he focuses on some personal/marital issues.  While in my head I know I'm not losing them too ~ all my heart knows is fear of losing yet another son and the close relationship I have had with his children.  Last but not least are all the wonderful photos I have had the joy of seeing from Christopher's life over these holidays.  While it is so wonderful to be able to see them, it is also bittersweet to see him with a family that is not my own.  It's so hard to see his kids in a photo with all their cousins ~ and the cousins are not my other grandchildren...  It's so hard to see the beautiful son & daughter of my son who are yet are not my grandchildren.  It was all the beautiful photos that brought the grief out.  Seeing the wonderful man my son has become.  Who is yet isn't a part of my life.  Seeing his kids who only know me through the gifts I send.  *sigh*

At least now I realize where this grief is coming from.  I lived for three decades not realizing where the holiday blues were coming from.  Now I know that fighting it will only make it worse, so I'm acknowledging it, falling into it, allowing it to be, so that it can hopefully work it's way through and out of my life for a while again.

Adoption.  The gift that keeps on giving...