A Special Place In Hell For These Adopters

I am so very, very saddened today.  Broken hearted.  Pissed.  Disgusted.  There aren't even words to describe the range of feelings I have felt since hearing the news this morning.  Mostly I am absolutely saddened for a mother who was turned away from the funeral of her young daughter today.

I don't know all the details exactly, but here is a quick summary.

About 9 years ago a beautiful baby girl was given up for adoption.  Her mother chose an open adoption so that she would always be able to know how her daughter was doing, so that her daughter could always know her beginnings.  I'm not sure, but I think the adoption closed almost immediately.  She did receive a few updates and photos.  The brokenhearted mother was finally contacted years later with the horrible news that her daughter was sick, was she a match for a bone marrow transplant? Amazingly, this mom was pregnant at the time, close to her due date.  This mother paid for the storage of the cord blood, paid for the legal paperwork herself to try to save her oldest daughter.  When this mother tried to get an update on her health after the transplant, she was basically told it was none of her business.  The adoptor started stalking the natural mother on facebook and a forum for mothers where the mother had found support from other natural moms to help her through this traumatic time.  The adopters didn't like that the mother was telling people how she was being treated, so they sued claiming slander.  After reviewing everything, the judge ordered visitation rights for the natural mother, threw out the slander suit.  This mother finally had a chance to see her daughter for two hours after almost a decade of being denied what had been promised by the adopters.  Another visit was set up for a week later so that her oldest daughter could meet the sister who saved her life.  Two days before this visit, big sister was hit by a car and killed on her way to school. 

As tragic as that sudden death was, just days after she and her natural mother had finally been allowed to see each other, this story gets worse.

The adopters told this natural mother that she was not welcome at the funeral.  The natural mother could not be kept away.  When she arrived at the funeral this morning ~ with her baby girl, the "angel" that her older daughter was so excited to meet ~ she was escorted out of the funeral. 

I hope to God that there is a special place in hell for these people who broke a sacred promise to their child and her natural mother.  There has to be a special place in hell for someone who would turn a mother away from her own child's funeral.  What was she possibly going to do?  Take some of the attention away from the adopters?  Maybe cry and show more grief than the adopters?  Really ~ I would love to know what they thought would happen with this young mother and sister of their supposedly beloved adopted daughter attending the funeral. 

I didn't think that I would ever use the word adopter as I have here.  But the people who adopted this little girl, breaking the promise of open adoption, denying the mother answers of her health status, suing the mother, then denying the attendance at the funeral of this innocent little girl... they do not deserve the title of mother or father, adoptive mother or adoptive father.  They are evil, mean hearted people who will surely rot in a special hell all their own. 

Missing Him

So Blue Missing You

I miss Christopher....

I want so badly to see him again. I want to hear his voice. I want to hear his laughter. I want to simply just watch him be.

No.  That's not entirely the truth...

It's more than a want.  My heart and my soul needs to see him, to hear him, to just be with him...

I dream of spending time with him.  Of talking to him simply as mother and son.  Not as two people dancing around the years lost, around unknown boundaries, dancing around the fear of words said and unsaid. 

I don't know what has triggered this. These last few days I have been overwhelmed with it.  I miss my son with all of my being...

Maybe it is brought on by the passing of time.  Or by his continued silence.  Although when he does write he seems to write "deeper" than he used to...    I haven't seen him since last April.  Almost a year ago.  Which is more than many of you have had with your loved ones lost to adoption, I know.

But.

I still miss him...

Me - With No Apologies!

I Am Me

As the title of this blog says, reunion with my son wasn't only about finding and getting to know my son lost to adoption, it is also about finding myself. 

When I was a pregnant teenager in 1979, I took on the shame that society was only more than willing to dole out.  I no longer took into consideration all the good things I had done/did in my life ~ it was the "bad" I had done that I used to define my life.  I took on the secrecy of shame.  I thought that if anyone knew the "real" me ~ the me that *gasp* had sex at 15, became pregnant, then gave my baby away ~ they wouldn't like me.  Or worse yet, that they would hate me or think me to be a mean, uncaring person. 

I was already a "people pleaser", I already was one to avoid confrontation due to the crazy family life I was growing up in.  The shame of being an unwed mother who gave a child up for adoption just deepened this in me.  I set out to only show people the "nice" side of me.  To prove that after all, I REALLY WAS a good girl! 

The only time I felt that I could truly be myself was when I was with my life-long friend that I grew up with, as well as with a few girls we became friends with after I returned to high school after Christopher was born.  They all knew, understood, and loved me ~ the REAL me ~ even though... no matter what.  Until recently, it was only when I was with this wonderful group of friends that I could really be myself, that I could let down all my walls and just be. 

My friends & I ~ The Fab Five

With getting to know my son, getting to know myself, I now know that one bad decision didn't define my life.  Not saying "no" that one fateful night isn't my entire being.  Choosing adoption for my firstborn son doesn't define my love, my parenting ability, anything about me. 

Changing who I was, who I let people think that I was, sadly wasn't limited  to my teenage years.  I continued that into adulthood.  When my children were little I was the PTA volunteer, treasurer, president.  I was the go-to person for the school & teachers when they needed someone to do anything extra.  I wasn't a failure as a mother because I gave up my firstborn child, I was a wonder-mom to my raised kids.  At least that's the persona I took on when dealing with their schools.  12 years ago when my husband moved us to this tiny village where he grew up, I became The Church Lady.  The church lady who was always ready and willing to help with the funeral dinners, to teach CCD, any and everything that needed a volunteer.  I wasn't the stupid 15 year old who didn't know how to say no, who gave her child up for adoption.  I was a GOOD person damn it!!  I would have been mortified if any of my small-town friends, fellow church goers, my hubbies family who has lived here for generations, would have seen me being myself with my girlfriends.  Oh the horrors if they had seen me being the loudest laughing one in the group.  If they had seen me enjoying some Cap'n and talking way too much and way too loudly. If they heard us talking nasty or sometimes cussing like sailors ...

I no longer compartmentalize all the parts of my personality.  From the beginning of this journey of finding myself, I have tried to live an authentic life.  I'm still working on that, but Brene Brown and her wonderful website Ordinary Courage has helped me begin.  I stumbled onto an old post of hers the other day, and as I read these words:

Part of midlife is scooping up all the different versions of yourself that you’ve created to please folks, and integrating them into one whole, authentic person. This is tough work for me. I’m so good at assessing exactly who I need to be and when I need to be it. It’s really too bad that "alternating" eventually sucks your soul right out of your body.

In addition to curbing the chameleon action, the other part of integrating has been the very painful process of reconnecting with the parts of myself that I orphaned over the years. You know – the parts of ourselves that we abandon because they get in the way of who and what we need to be now.

 ..they made me realize how much I used to do that.  I also realized just how much my life has changed these last three years.  Three years ago I was the champion chameleon!  Now?

I am a million different things. 
At a million different times. 
I am ME. 
I am me with no apologies!

I'm far from being done on my journey.  I've put so much into place, but I have so much more to figure out...  But that's another story for another day!

For Those Separated By Adoption

For all of you mothers and fathers of adoption loss who have unanswered questions.  Find your answers!

For all of you adult adoptees who have unanswered questions.  Find your answers!

For 29 years I believed that it wasn't my right to search for my son lost to adoption.  After all, I was the one who gave him away!  Who was I to butt into his life?  If all my prayers for him had been answered, he was happy and completely loved by the family who adopted him.  Why would I interrupt his happiness by barging into his life unexpectedly, probably unwanted by him? 

Not only did I feel that it wasn't my right, and even though I knew that it couldn't be true ~ I had been told that it would be against the law to EVER seek out my son.  My brain told me that a law such as that could not truly exist, however the "good girl" in me couldn't go against what I had been told. 

In 2008 I had begun to realize that many of the problems in my life were due to the denial I lived in.  Denial of the depth of the effects of the loss of my son to adoption.  Denial of the depth of the feelings that I had for my son.  Denial of the basic fact that I was even a "mother" to Christopher.  The River of Denial ran swift and deep through every aspect of my life. The constant worrying and the symphony of questions about Christopher were eating away at me, compounding the damage done by denial.

I had decided that the adoption loss had to be dealt with in order for me to begin to fully live my life.  2009 was going to start with me finding a counselor to get my shit together and then I was going to actively search for Christopher to finally have my questions answered. 

As luck would have it, that wonderful search angel Kim matched my profile with Christopher's just three days before I was going to begin my journey of healing.  Adoption reunion was happening before I could deal with the reality of what adoption loss had done to my life. 

Looking back, I believe that the timing of that happened for a reason.  The chances of my finding a therapist who wasn't drowning in the sunshine and rainbows of adoption were (are) slim and none.  I could very well have been talked out of ever searching for Christopher.  I could have been drowned again in that sunshine and rainbows myself.

Reunion forced me out of denial, forced me out of the adoption closet. 

Reunion was the second hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my entire life.  {The hardest thing was the loss of Christopher to adoption in the first place.)  Reunion didn't even match the emotions, terror, or grief of watching my mom suffer for 10 years and then die from Lupus. 

Reunion is also the best thing that has happened in my life.  It took almost three years for my world to stop spinning.  But it was SO worth it.  The saying is true ~ The truth shall set you free. 

Yes, there were many times in the last three years that I thought I had made a mistake. Times I wondered if it hadn't been easier living in denial.  There were times that I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest, leaving me dead on the floor.  There were times that I was terrified that I was going to be lost in the depths of that hole in my heart ~ the hole left by the loss of my son. 

If you have a loved one lost to adoption, but are scared of searching ~ Do it anyways.
If you want to search for your loved one, but worry that you will be intruding into their life ~ Do it anyways.
If you are afraid of being "found" by someone lost to you through adoption ~ Do it anyways.

The hardest things you may ever face could very well be the most wondrous thing you could ever do for yourself!

Is it easy?  Absolutely not.

Is it worth it?  Absolutely!!!

Three Years Ago ~ A Search Angel Changed My Life

Three years ago today I found the first emails from a Search Angel and from Christopher.  Three years ago my life changed.  Completely.  I had no idea of the roller-coaster ride I had just gotten on, all I knew that day was extreme happiness and relief.  There aren't even words for what that I felt in that moment ~ I imagine that only those who have also been in that moment can really know.

I will never forget speaking with that wonderful Search Angel Kim.  I have to laugh again remembering the confusion when I first heard her lovely southern accent.  I thought I was speaking with Christopher's mom, so when I heard the accent I wondered why in the world they sent my son so far south!  After telling me that she wasn't his mom, she was a search angel, Kim told me that Christopher was healthy and happy.  I asked if he got good parents and she told me that he had wonderful parents.  That news brought on the happiest tears I have ever cried!  I asked her how she knew the two questions I most needed answers to and she told me she was a search angel who had been reunited with her own daughter lost to adoption so she knew all too well what my long awaited questions were. 

At that time, I had no idea what a search angel was. 

In that moment I knew that angels truly do walk amongst us! 

If you are searching for a loved one lost to adoption, don't pay for someone (especially the adoption agency) to search for you.  There are many, many search angels out there helping us. 

If you are searching, the first thing you need to do is sign up on some on-line registries.  There are many free ones, start with them. 

The first one you should sign up with is ISSR, a mutual consent reunion registry.  

The registry at adoption.com is the one I had signed up on, that Kim found when looking for me.  You can search through the registries there as well as sign up in case someone is looking for you. 

Claud has a wonderful page with a lot of info about search and reunion. 

If you have any questions, leave them in the comments or send me an email at findingchristopher at gmail dot com.  I'm no search angel, but I would be more than happy to help you find your loved ones lost to adoption! 

A Roar - Are You Listening??

Is the world beginning to listen yet?

Do you know of the brokenness known as adoption?

Many of us are speaking, but is anyone listening... Really Listening?

Listening to

The ones most effected by relinquishment ~ the ones relinquished?
 

Or to

The ones who believed that life would go on as before?

I feel as though the ones who don't want to hear have us outnumbered.

By far.

There are days I feel defeated by those who want to keep us silenced.

Like today.

Until I read this poem.

And then I was reminded.

 

I am not in this alone.

I will continue to speak out and bare my scars.

I will grow stronger.
 

With the others in their brokenness, we will all grow stronger.

And the world will listen... one day...

Thank you to all of you out there in adopto-land who help me through this life of adoption loss.  Just by being "out there", speaking out your truths, you make me stronger by reminding me that I'm not all alone in this.  You bring a bit of sanity to my life when nothing about this adoption loss is sane...  Susie

2012 ~ Bring It On!!

Last year I wrote about the life-changing events that happened for me in 2009 and 2010, while wondering what 2011 had in store for me. 

I would NEVER have dreamed that less than three months after writing that post I would have the tremendous blessing of seeing all my children together!  Not only was I surprised with Christopher's first visit where he was able to meet all of his siblings, his nieces and nephews ~ he came for another visit just a month later.  The photos from that first visit are my most precious treasures.  As are the memory of looking at him sitting at the table in the exact same position as one of my raised sons, the memory of seeing him laughing with and interacting with his sister and brothers ~ all so similar, all so comfortable together.  March 24th, 2011 will forever be etched in my heart and soul!

March ended with a gift from my daughter.  A letter written to initially thank the search angel who brought Christopher back into our family, which turned into a sibling reunion story, then sent as a letter to both Christopher and I.  I am so very blessed to have such loving children!

2011 became a pretty quiet year as far as communication with Christopher goes, but it did continue thankfully.  His silence may have been a good thing for me though?  It forced me to look inward to find acceptance in adoptions role in my life.  November really was tough ~ the deep fear of Christopher's upcoming heart surgery was overwhelming for me.  Just as his silence had a silver lining, so did that fear.  After Christopher's successful surgery, when the fear of losing him subsided, it was as though a veil of peace and acceptance was draped over me.  For the first time since finding the emails from a search angel and Christopher, on that cold January evening in 2009, my mind was not filled with adoption loss and grief every moment of every day. 

2011 ended with two more wonderful gifts.  The gift of being "Grandma Susie" to his children ~ making this grandma's heart overflow and the gift of Christopher's mom reaching out to me for the first time.  

Here's to 2012!  

Will this year continue to bring me blessings I only dream of? 

Will I get to know his mom?  

Will I have the blessing of meeting Christopher's children?  

His beautiful wife who has played a big part in our reunion?  

Will I have yet another chance to see all of my kids, 

maybe even grandkids together?? 

I can only hope...

Gratitude & The Next Phase of My Adoption Journey

I am so thankful for all the wonderful people out there in blog-land, for my followers.  I was in a weird place when I last wrote, I felt as though I was in a limbo, worried that I was going  back into denial.   I owe a huge Thank You to all of you who responded to that post.  Sometimes when we are buried in something, we need an outside view of it so we can see it clearly. 

I think I can honestly say that I have indeed come to a place of acceptance and peace in regards to Christopher, my place in his life.  I really didn't think that was possible!  I know that it would not have been possible if not for the support from many of you, from many moms and adoptees that I have met on an on-line forum. 


It seems like it took so very long to get to this place.  I would have never dreamed that it would take almost three years for my world to quit spinning after being reunited with Christopher.  I was beginning to think that I would never get back to a "normal" life that didn't include my brain being on the adoption channel 24/7. 

I have been full of gratitude since writing last.  So grateful as I said for the replies I received, for those I have met online who share their struggles in order to help others and bring awareness to the effects of adoption in their lives.

I am so grateful for all the blessings in my life.  Even though suffering the greatest loss a mother could experience, I have been blessed in it too.  I had no other choice than adoption back in 1979.  I thank God every day that Christopher did indeed go to great parents.  He has wonderful extended families who have fully embraced him, he has never felt as though he didn't belong.  His parents have supported him in our reunion, he has not been made to feel as though he has to choose between families.  I could not have asked for more for him in his adoption.

I truly believe that things happen in the time they are meant to.  I think that this phase of my "accepting" came at the perfect time for the next phase of this adoption journey.  

Yesterday I started the day checking my email, finding a great surprise.  I had a message and a Facebook friend request from Christopher's mom!  It was a lovely message, one that touched my heart.  After a bit of a panic about letting her into my FB world, and seeking some advice from a few friends, I realized what a gift this was.  A chance to get to know each other ~ finally.  I told her in a message accepting her friendship that I wanted her to know the "real me", not the FB me, and I gave her my email address as well as my cell phone number.  She replied that she would also love to meet me and get to know me in person.  Last night I decided to text Christopher to let him know, in case he didn't already, that his moms were now fb friends.  After a few hilarious texts back and forth my heart could not have been lighter!  

So, here's to the next part of this journey.  I look forward to getting to know the woman who loves my son as much as I, the loving and kind mom I prayed for my son to have.

My Christmas was full of Christmas blessings 

and even what I once considered would take a miracle to happen!  

I hope that all of you also had a Very Merry Christmas.  

To those of you who only dream of finding, or knowing, 

your child, mother, father, family lost to adoption ~ 

I pray that you will one day soon know the wonder of a successful reunion. 

Just as I wish that no other woman would have to know

the sorrow of losing a child to adoption, 

I wish that everyone who has lost loved ones to adoption 

could know the absolute joy and peace of having 

your lost one(s) in your life again!

Wishing you much peace and love in the rest of this holiday season!

Things You Wouldn't Know About Me

If you only know me through my blog, you could probably think that I am living a sad, depressing life.  There is so much more to me than adoption though!  I am blessed beyond belief ~ despite the loss of my son to adoption.

Things you wouldn't know about me from my blog...

I laugh a lot.  Loudly.  Yeah, I even snort if I get to laughing too much.

I cuss.  Sometimes a lot.  There are times the F word is just necessary!  Especially if I've had a few, I start to sound like a sailor...

I'm nice.  Really, I am!

I'm a twin.  My brother is about a foot taller than me.  His hair is very curly, mine is stick straight.  He is uber religious, I'm not.  He was the studious twin, I was the social one.  We really don't have anything in common.  I used to say that the hospital sent home the wrong baby, meaning he was the wrong one.  I now say that I was the wrong one.  I am nothing like either one of my siblings.  I hope.

I'm not religious ~ I'm spiritual, raised Lutheran and married a Catholic.

I cheated to become Catholic.  (Thanks to Uncle John (Father John) ~ my hubby's officially, although I grew to love him as my own.)  He knew that I was only attending Catholic church because there was never going to be a chance of my hubby going to a Lutheran church.  Catholics can be so snotty like that!

I don't live in a town.  I live in a village.  Population around 200.  Hubby grew up here, drug me here 12 years ago.  Think "Greenacres" except with a new house, not a falling apart farm house.  He's the country boy, I'm the city girl.  Half the town is related to the hub.  Half of the rest of the town is related to one of the relatives.  Yeah.....

I am a member of a gang.  Uh huh.  We call ourselves The Big Girls.  Not because of our size (although sadly I am), but because we are grown ups.  Our daughters grew up and started joining in on our parties, they wanted to be a part of The Girls too, so they became The Little Girls and we became The Big Girls.  But just because we are the grown ups doesn't mean we act like it!  We have been friends since grade school and high school.  We have been told that we are overly-friendly women who are too trustworthy and open with strangers.  We make friends everywhere we go!

I love to play in the dirt.  In the summer you will find me outside whenever possible, probably with bare feet.  I have a garden that usually has just cucumbers and the makings for salsa, sometimes I get beans and peas planted in it too.  I plant flowers in all kinds of containers that aren't meant to have flowers planted in them.  Old wash tubs, old watering cans, wringer washing machine, wagons, etc.

I love to quilt.  I however have a problem with too many unfinished and un-started projects.  I'm also just a topper, not a quilter.  I make the quilt tops, have a friend who does a fabulous job of quilting them for me.  I have only kept one bed quilt and a few wall quilts for myself, the rest have all been gifts.  My four year old granddaughter finally got hers this Christmas, poor thing ~ all the others got one when they were babies!  I also finally finished one for my daughter for Christmas, now the boys are whining for one so those will probably be my next projects, leaving my unfinished and un-started ones to go even longer. 

I love me a margarita, lately a cranberry one is my fav.  Or a glass/bottle of wine.  Or an ice cold beer with some (more than three please!) green olives in it.  The Big Girls' signature shot is a Lemon Drop.  We REALLY enjoy those!

I love art ~ bright, cheerful colors.  Art of all kinds ~ painting, drawing, textile, pottery, sculpting, whatever.  I can't draw a stick person to save my life, but I love to look at the work of those who can.  

I can get lost on Etsy for hours!

There is a lot more, but you are probably bored to death by now.  I didn't realize how much I had typed already.  This glass of rhubarb wine has helped me find things to talk about!!
 
I will leave you with some of my favorite non-adoption related blogs (in no certain order):



Red Pepper Quilts
Kind Over Matter
Your Joyologist
Artsyville 
Mommy Wants Vodka 
Bruce Seeds ~ not really a blog, but I am amazed by his quilts.
Oh Fransson!
Anthology Magazine
Modern Quilt Relish
Green Lemonade
The Painted Path
Hello Ross  ~ LOVE Ross Matthews!!
Oriah ~ The Green Bough
Lori Portka
Jaybird Quilts

Limbo? Acceptance? Or Something Else?

I feel as though I'm in a limbo of sorts lately. 

Christopher is a part of my life now, yet he's not.  I am a part of his life, but yet I'm not. 

Maybe the feeling of being in limbo is because this "reunion" has become so one-sided. 

I have felt a big shift in my emotions towards reunion since his surgery.  Once the fear of losing Christopher in surgery was gone, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my heart.  The love is still there, bigger than ever.  But the fear, the worry?  Gone.

It was more than just the fear of losing him during the surgery though.  It's as though the fear of losing him in any way was gone.  Is this finally acceptance that he will never fully be a part of my life?  Is it finally enough to just know that he's alive, healthy, and happy? Did the fear of his death allow me to finally be at peace with him just "being out there somewhere"?  Even if that meant that he wasn't going to fully be a part of my life?  I no longer worry about sending him emails too often, or obsess over every word I write in worry that I will say something to drive him away.  I am following my heart ~ if I read or hear something I want to share with him, I do it.  When it's in my heart to let him know I'm thinking about him, hoping he's feeling better, I follow my heart now instead of worrying that it's wrong in some way.



These last few weeks have just been so strange to me.  For the first time since Jan. 16, 2009, upon finding those first emails from the search angel and Christopher, he hasn't been on my mind 24/7. He is not always the first thing I think of when I wake up, nor always the last thing I think of before falling asleep.

This feeling of... limbo is very unsettling for some reason.  There's a little voice in my head that fears it is not really acceptance ~ maybe I have instead buried my emotions regarding Christopher again.  And don't even know it... 

 Maybe it's not following my heart so much as subconsciously I don't care anymore about pushing him away?  Does a person even realize it when they are pushing someone away before they themselves can be pushed away? 

*sigh* 

This rambling is exactly why I haven't written many posts lately.  None of this probably makes any sense.  It doesn't even make sense to me!  All of my thoughts are going in circles, winding around on themselves, making it even more confusing than when I first started writing all of this out in an attempt to figure out what in the world I am or am not feeling.  If this blog post was an Excel spreadsheet, I would be getting a circular error warning!

An Open Letter ~ Shared from An Adult Adoptee

Two blogs that I follow had great posts tonight, a letter written by a fellow adult adoptee friend of theirs. Christina made a new page on her blog to post this letter permanently, I am going to do the same. 

This letter should be read by everyone involved in adoption in any way.  I know many moms who have chosen adoption who would not have made that same choice if they knew the truth of adoptions effects on the adopted. 

I wish that anyone considering adoption for their unborn child could read this, as well as anyone interested in adopting, or who have already adopted, or even just asked the question "Should We Adopt?". 

The new page is at the top of my blog "An Open Letter".


Thank you for going to my new page to read the heart felt words of one who knows the most about adoption ~ one who is adopted, who has lived adoption their entire life!

Susie
Also, look on the right side of my blog, down a little ways.  There are many blogs written by adult adoptees listed in my blog list.  Anybody looking to learn about adoption should start with them!

Sharing Beautiful Words ~ Again!

Last month during Adoption BeAwareness month, I discovered a new blogger who wrote several wonderful posts for the month.  I wish that I had saved some of her posts because the November posts are now gone.

The post from a couple of days ago is fabulous.  I wanted to comment on it, but comments are not enabled, nor is there an email to contact her.  In fear of the post not being there for long, I am going to post it in entirety here instead of just linking to it.  I hope the author doesn't mind, I would normally get permission but I was unable to find a way to contact her!

Both of these poems are beautiful, I hope you enjoy them also.

Susie

After all of this …

December 5, 2011 by t

Some will say,all these years later

that I failed at this thing, this

birthmotherhood.

If so, and after all, I am grateful.

For it was, from the beginning,

a koan,

the sound of one hand clapping,

the tree falling in the forest

with nobody to hear it.

And its success issued a call

I could never answer:

one that demanded

I kill off the mother

in me.

T.

To all mothers out there who, through choice or choicelessness, walked this path … 

may you, in our time, heed another call — that of the Wild Geese.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver

published by Atlantic Monthly Press

© Mary Oliver

 Thank you T ~ for your beautiful words and for sharing this work by Mary Oliver

God and Adoption

I have always said that God had nothing to do with adoption as we now know it.  I hate it when people say that God brought their adopted child to them.  The God that I believe in would never want a mother and child to be separated.  The God that I believe in meant for people to help the fatherless and widowed as a family, keeping the family intact ~ He did not mean for them to take the fatherless for themselves, forgetting the "widow". 

When I read these words of a Minister, they at first had me breathless, then had me in tears. And that, as many of you know, does not happen often.

God never wanted you separated from your child.
God is helping you two find your way back to one another.

Go read this post, it is an excellent one!  Frame By Frame ~ by The Silent Birthmother

Susie

Still Hiding from Adoption...

I've been MIA for a while now...

I am still in somewhat of a... limbo? in my "adoption life".  I can't get into writing what is in my head and heart, without getting too personal, telling more of Christopher's story than I want to.

No updates on Christopher's recuperation.  I'm assuming no news is good news... 

I have been busy at home and school making both places look like the North Pole.  No, there is no such thing as too many Christmas decorations ~ don't listen to my hubby!  I LOVE this time of year, all of it.  I think I'm over-immersing myself into the season this year as a way of ignoring the reality of Christopher's continued silence. Thank goodness I have a wonderful distraction instead of just going into a major funk.  For now anyways...

Hopefully I will get back to writing soon. 

In the meantime, since I have started catching up on all the adopto-land blogs and fb pages again, here is some great linkage. 

here are is a great blog,
 Single Mothers To Be

a great blog post,
 Thinking of Placing Your Baby For Adoption?  Think Very Hard

(I'm adding both of the above to my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page)

and an interesting article to read.
Fetal Cells Are Forever

I will leave you with one of my favorite Christmas songs!

A Very Thankful Thanksgiving!!

Being Thankful doesn't even begin to describe my feelings this Thanksgiving!  The things I am most thankful for are the same as last year, but the depth of the thankfulness is much, much, more intense. 

Usually in the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I find myself planning the big day, reflecting on the previous year and how much I have been blessed with in my life to be thankful for.  This year, with Christopher's surgery being scheduled just two days before Thanksgiving...  I was paralyzed.  I couldn't bring myself past yesterday.  "The Tuesday Before Thanksgiving" loomed huge and ugly before me. 

Here we are now, about 30 hours since his open-heart surgery was over, and he is making remarkable strides in healing already!  By mid-morning today, he had already read all the well-wishes from people on the carepage set up for updates on his surgery, as well as been checking things out on FaceCrack (love that name, totally stole it from Linda!).  He also has taken two walks, had a couple of tubes removed, and they have already talked about letting him go home this weekend. 

I hadn't even shopped for anything to make for tomorrow ~ thank goodness that my uncle decided to plan a huge bash for my dad's side of the family so I only had to make a side dish and a dessert.  No house cleaning necessary!  My lovely daughter was out & about and got groceries for me this afternoon, so I didn't even have to leave my house today.  I'm still recouping from strep, thankfully the antibiotics kicked in fast.  It probably helped that I was able to spend about 24 hours in bed sleeping off and on (mostly on!). 

Despite the fact that I couldn't think about Thanksgiving Day until I heard the news of Christopher's successful surgery, I am more than ready for it!  Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays.  My parents somehow always managed to pull it together for holidays, we had a fighting-free day usually.  We always spent Thanksgiving with my Aunt & Uncle, cousins who lived just a block away from us, and this aunt was always my favorite.  Probably because she was always laughing, could always find humor in things that just pissed off my mom.  My mom and my Aunt Opal were always very proud of their turkeys too ~ we have a photo of them with Tom every year I think! 

Mom & Aunt Opal with Tom

I wish each and every one of you 

a very happy, very blessed Thanksgiving Day. 

May your day be full of family, friends, 

and of course lots of yummy food!  

 Susie

Sorry for this rambling post, I think my brain is still scrambled from all of the worrying!

Surgery Went Well!!!!

Deep sigh of relief, prayers of thanks have been going on for an hour now since I got the news that Christopher was out of surgery and in ICU.  He will be there for about 24 hours, in the hospital for about 5 days. 

I want to thank all of you ~ for all your kind words, all of your thoughts and prayers for us.  I truly don't know what I would do without all you "cyber" friends out there who get just how hard this is for me.  I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!!

I went to the doctor today, have been feeling a little off for a couple of days, figured it was all the stress and worry about Christopher and ignored it mostly.  I haven't been sick with so much as a cold for over 4 years now.  Couldn't sleep the last two nights because I couldn't breathe (and I was worrying about Christopher), this morning the glands on both sides of my neck were painfully swollen, and I had a fever.  I have strep as well as a possible sinus infection...  yay.  My doctor (who has become a great friend) said that she isn't surprised at all that I would get sick now. 

So I'm off to bed, to try to get a nap in.  I need to get myself better so I can enjoy eating too much on Thanksgiving and drinking too much on Fuschia Friday!  (One of my best-est friends lives near Chicago, she is home for Thanksgiving, and we are having a Girl Party to celebrate all of us being together again.  Black Friday is too depressing of a name, so we gave it a festive name instead!) 

I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving! 

Susie

Surgery Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Christopher's surgery.  I don't know what time, I am assuming it will be somewhat early in the morning. 

Still not 100% sure I'm going to get updates, hopefully I will at least get a text when the surgery is over.  

If you are one who prays, please pray for Christopher, the Doctors and staff at Mayo Clinic tomorrow.

When I get an update, I will update all of you.  Thank you so much for all the care and concern you have shown me.  I truly appreciate it!

Christopher is undergoing some pretty serious surgery next week.  As the day gets closer the more worried I find myself.

The more worried I find myself, the more the adoption loss hurts.

I am trying very hard to stay positive, to remember that this surgery is highly successful.  Christopher's life span will return to the normal rate again after surgery, without surgery his life span is greatly decreased.  No matter the statistics, just knowing that my son will be put on a heart-lung machine during surgery to remove part of his heart muscle is pretty scary stuff!


In my attempt to write every day in this Month of Adoption,  too much adoption crap is brought to the surface.  I thought it would be a help, concentrating on speaking out to the truths of adoption loss, about family preservation instead of Christopher's upcoming surgery.  Instead all it's doing is making me crazy. 

Last night I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't put together the energy to write anything.  So I didn't.  Why make things harder than they already are? 

So I am taking a break.  I will be back, you aren't getting rid of me forever.  My heart and brain just need a break until after Christopher's successful surgery and recovery. 

I would love and appreciate any prayers and positive/healing energy you want to send Christopher's way at the Mayo Clinic in MN next week.   I will let you all know how things are going.

Susie
here's some info about Christopher's disease:
Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy (HCM)
here's some info about the surgery he will be having:
Septal Myectomy

A Knife To The Heart

I had a wonderful day today.  Opening Day of deer hunting season is a almost a bigger holiday than Christmas around here!  The hubby's family are a deer hunting family.  The men folk little and big (and one niece) get up early to go kill Bambi and family, while the women folk cook all morning and gather at noon at the in-laws for the big Hunter's Lunch.  The wives, kids, and now their kids all gather for the lunch too. 

The hunters slowly trickle in around noon, showing off their trophies or sharing stories of the ones seen, not seen, the ones who got away.  The Nebraska game was on then so the guys even got to enjoy a bit of the game before heading back out again. 

I love the family I married into.  We all get along wonderfully, we truly enjoy getting together.  As I was sitting in the kitchen listening to my kids with their cousins today, telling stories of years gone by, I was overwhelmed with joy.  It is so wonderful to see your children as adults being great friends.  Then it hit me.  Actually, it was more like being stabbed.  If only...

If only ALL my children could have been there. 

No matter the occasion, whenever all my kids are together, or all my grandkids.  It's never complete. 

That's what adoption does to a family.  Tears it apart. 


Another thing you don't realize you are giving up when you give up a child for adoption.

They don't tell you that you are already a family.  Even if it's just the mother and infant, you are still a family. A family that should be honored and cherished, not torn apart.  For even decades later, the pain of the loss of that child is like a knife stabbing you in what is left of your heart.

Susie

Another Song and A Veteran's Day Salute

I don't remember exactly when I first heard this song.  But hearing the first two notes is all it takes to send me right back to where I was when I first heard it.  It wasn't long after reunion, I was still reeling from the surprise of it all, just beginning to come out of the fog.  Trace wrote this song about the loss of his first wife, but it sure is spot on for my feelings about the loss of my son to adoption!

Tags: I Can't Outrun You, Trace Adkins, Trace Adkins Videos

Especially these lyrics:

...You're in my heart
You're in my mind
Everywhere ahead
Everywhere behind
Every turn I take
You're right around the bend
It's like your ghost is chasing me
When I'm awake
When I'm asleep
There's a part of you in every part of me
And I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you...

Thought there might just come a time
I wouldn't regret tellin' you goodbye
But lookin' back
Should'a realized
I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you

 Another Trace Adkins song that brings goosebumps (especially in the last minute of the video) ~ in honor of Veteran's Day. 
Freedom isn't free ~ I thank and honor all those who have fought and will continue to fight for my freedom.

 

Susie
Ok - I will admit it...  Trace gives me goosebumps singing any song, not just these two!  When he asks "Do Ya Wanna?"  
*breathless* 
yeah...  I do!!  

Adoption Awareness ~ The Roller Coaster Ride

When I was first reunited with Christopher, I had NO idea what a ride I was in for!  Even though I had decided that 2009 was the year I was going to face my past, the loss of my son, and begin to search for him ~ I was still deeply in denial and in the adoption closet. 

I had no idea that my time-line of reunion was going to be turned inside out ~ we were reunited first, there was no "searching" necessary, and the facing of my past happened at high-speed because of that.  If you don't know about the beginnings of our reunion, you can go read about that wonderful day here. 

Photo by TempestPhotography

Christopher and I have been in reunion for almost three years.  You would think in that amount of time that I would be used to the roller-coaster ride of emotions that adoption reunion brings.  You would think I would remember that every time I have gotten lost in worrying things are not going well between us, I have been proven wrong!  

How amazing that one little email can raise my emotions up from a puddle on the ground, have me smiling and reassured again.  And yet, how sad is that also?

Will the day ever come that I'm not reduced to feeling like that wounded 15 year old girl again? 

(There's two more things to add to the list of things you don't know about when you are thinking about giving your child up for adoption.  The endless roller-coaster ride and the fact that in some ways you are stunted at the place and age you were when you faced the biggest trauma of your life ~ losing your child to adoption.)

Last night I sent Christopher a short email, not needing or expecting a reply, just a "thinking of you" note.  This morning I found an email from him, opening up a bit about his upcoming surgery and repeating his desire to stay positive through all of this.  I have been worrying for nothing again.  I know that he does care for me and loves me.  I still suspect that "we" are just too much for him to think about right now as all of his thoughts and energy are being put towards the immediate future, his surgery and recovery.  As they should be!

After reading and responding to his email, I then saw the new replies to last nights post.  I smiled as I read what Laurie wrote ~ she was so right!  And after receiving Christopher's email today, I do believe as she said: "You've come this far, I know that you'll move further along in this journey.".  I have to remember that my son and I were lost to each other for almost 30 years.  It's going to take time to grow our relationship.  I need to look at the big picture, the whole time-line ~ not just this one moment in time.  Last year at this time we had just met in person for the first time.  I wasn't too sure if I would ever see all of my children together ~ and now I have had that joy.  Twice! 

I don't know where this rambling post is going, I just started typing without even an idea of what I was going to write about. 

Since this isn't only adoption (be)awareness month, it's also the month of thanks, I would like to mention a couple of things I am thankful for today. 

I am so very thankful that Christopher was able to open up to me a little about his surgery. 

I am thankful for this up-swing in my emotional reunion roller-coaster ride.

I am so thankful for the wonderful friends I have "met" here in blog-land ~ you all truly make a difference in my life.  It warms my heart to know that there really are others out there who "get me", who understand all this rambling, all the confusion and heart ache ~ and whining!! 

Susie

Adoption Awareness - Adoption Loss is Forever

Why am I having such a hard time finding something to write about?  There is so much to be said about adoption that people aren't aware of.  I guess I'm just wondering if it's even worth it to speak out?  Is it worth digging into something that hurts so badly?  Do the people who need to listen and learn ever really listen and learn?  I wonder...

The main reason I started writing in a blog is to get everything out of my head.  A journal of sorts to help me find myself again.  To find the real me who was buried under decades of denial, under the false beliefs I had of myself due to adoption loss.  

Here I am, 90 published posts, more than two years later, and I'm still lost. 

I have let go of many of the false beliefs I had of myself.  I know that I wasn't a "bad girl" simply because of one bad decision.  I know that I really was a mother, not just an egg donor and incubator for Christopher's "real parents".  I know that I wasn't stupid for choosing adoption, I simply didn't know (most importantly didn't have) any options.    I know that it wasn't luck that brought my husband into my life "even though" I was "one of those girls".  Most importantly, I know I could have been a great mom to Christopher if I had only been given a chance.

I have come out of the closet of adoption since starting this blog.  I speak out of my son and his adoption now.  I proudly claim that I am a mother of 4, grandmother of 9.  I'm no longer ashamed of the 15 year old girl I once was.  People are probably sick of me talking out about adoption now.  I will never go back into that damn closet again!  It is too suffocating.  The only winners in a mother of adoption loss being in the closet is the adoption industry.  I won't ever be one of their pawns again!

I am no longer in denial.  Although I sure as hell would love to go visit there now and then for a day or so.  

"Lost" by Shellie

But I still feel lost.  I'm still a mother without her child.  Yes, I know where he is.  I know he's alive and happy.  (I wish I could say he's healthy.  If my prayers are answered, he will be healthy again, he will feel better than he has in years after recovering from surgery later this month.)  I have had the absolute joy of seeing him in person, holding him in my arms, looking into his eyes.  I am so very lucky in that ~ many moms I have come to know still don't know that joy.  But.  I'm still lost.  I don't know how my son feels about me.  I don't know if he even really wants me to still be in his life.  Does he think of me as a mom, mother in any way?  I can't just pick up the phone and call him like I do my other kids.  I can't just go visit him when I have a free weekend.  I can't even plan on being at the hospital when he's undergoing major surgery.  I'm still an outsider in his life, even though we are getting close to three years in reunion. An outsider in my own son's life ~ that hurt is still the same as it was the day I lost him to adoption. 

Will I ever truly and completely find myself?  I really don't think that's possible.  I lost a part of myself, a part of my heart and soul, when I lost my son to adoption.  Once adoption loss enters your life, it is there forever.  And ever.  And ever...
 

 Susie

Adoption Awareness ~ Day 8

A Few Of The Things That Drive Me Crazy

The word "birthmother".  For many reasons, most of all when

• used by pap's or ap's as a possessive term.  Ex: "Our birthmom".  Excuse me ~ the mother gave birth to your child, not to you.  She cannot be your birthmom!
• When shortened to bm.  A mother is not poo.  A bm is a bowel movement folks!

When the adoptee is described as being a "gift".  

• I did not and would not give my son as a gift to strangers I had never met.  Rather I was giving him the gift of two parents.  (Yes, I know now...  but at the time that's what I believed was right.)
• Especially when used as "a gift from God".  This is true, a gift to the mother and father the infant was created by.  God doesn't make mistakes and put an infant in "the wrong tummy"!

Adoptive parents who

• do not understand that love multiplies ~ it doesn't have to be divided.
• do not listen and learn from adoptees who have lived the life and have much to teach.

Mothers considering adoption being treated as saints,

• until the papers are signed, then they become dangerous strangers who must be watched and censored around their own children.
• until they decide to parent their child, they are suddenly misfits unworthy of raising a child.

Prospective adoptive parents who

• claim that God has a hand in their adoption desires.
• stalk expectant teen mothers on forums for moms.

Susie
I'm having trouble finding things to write about, and it's only the 8th day. I have a lot I'd like to say, but am having a hard time getting it out without being too angry or too pathetically sad right now.  

So dear readers - any ideas?  Do you have any questions you would like to ask me?  Any lurkers out there who would like to write a guest post to either introduce yourself or a blog post with your thoughts about adoption awareness?  Send me a message at findingchristopher at gmail dot com. 

Adoption Awareness ~ Learning to Let Go and Let Love

There is just so much that I don't know about my own son.

It hurts not really knowing my own firstborn child.  Does he see my name in his email in-box and smile, or does he think "Oh God... her again?!" ?  Is he fine with our limited contact these last several months, or does he wish that something was different so that it didn't have to be this way?  Does he have anyone to talk to about all of this ~ reunion, me, him, his new-found siblings, nieces & nephews?  Has he begun to see adoption thru less rosy colored glasses as I suspect, or is his opinion of adoption still as it was before reunion? 

A couple of weeks ago I found out that Christopher is facing a pretty serious health issue.  (Sorry, but I can't really share any details as it's not my story to tell.)  For several days after learning this latest turn of events, I was lost in the fear and worry for him, and doubts about where or if I even fit into his life.  I have lately been trying to change the worrying into prayers and blessings for Christopher instead of the negative energy of worry or fear.

This led me to reading some different blogs, trying to find healing and positive things to focus on.  This afternoon I found myself lost in reading a wonderful blog, Painted Path.  So many posts touched me, touched my aching heart.  I think I could write for a week or more just on things I read there this afternoon.  One thought in particular is something I need to really focus on these next two weeks.

Artwork by Julia Fehrenbacher

 Let Go & Let Love is the title of this post, and the beautiful painting that has me feeling in a better place.

I have to let go of the doubts and worries, my questions of his feelings for me.  I will let go of them and just love enough for the both of us.  I have to let the love into my heart also, not just send it his way.

As Julia said in her post, speaking about her little bird:

She reminded me that when I get out of the way, the sweetest kind of love will be there to meet me, to greet me, to turn me toward the light. She reminded me that when things get messy and I have no idea how to fix them, to let go/surrender/turn it over. She reminded me that, rather than trying to fix, to simply be soft and open--to allow the magic to come to me & through me. To Trust the process, the "mistakes," the timing. To become absolutely present and take it one gentle step at a time. Just one.
To believe in something greater than little me.

So that's what I'm going to try to do.  To Let Go and Let Love.  

Susie

P.S. ~ Much easier said than done, especially in this month of Adoption Awareness.  I thought I could concentrate on the awareness longer than just one week.  I thought perhaps it would be a distraction for me till it got closer to the surgery, but I was wrong.  I don't know where my writing is going to take me for the rest of the month, I'm going to take it day by day.  Maybe the awareness I'm going to find the rest of this month is myself...

I'm cheating again tonight!  I spent the first part of the day with my hubby, which doesn't happen near enough.  I spent the rest of the day with my 4 year old granddaughter, spoiling her while her mom and dad are out of town.  I thought I would get her to sleep and be able to write, but she is nowhere near ready to go to sleep!  So here are some quotes I found about the importance of the mother/child bond while researching for another post. 

I'm off to go watch a movie and hopefully put an overly tired four year old to sleep!

To interfere with or destroy this intimacy is to risk interrupting a vital psychological process that may reduce the woman's confidence in herself as a mother and interfere with the flow of communication between her and her baby. - Marshall Klaus

While what the newborn craves is touch, physical skin stimulus and the familiar sound of mother's heartbeat, she is placed in a lifeless basket, with a baby blanket, perhaps a teddybear or soft doll. She is learning that encounters with people cause severe stress. For the newborn, separation from mother equals abandonment:

It is impossible to overstate the monstrousness of this final violation of a new life... this isolation neatly cancels every possible chance for bonding, for relaxation of the birth stress, for the activation of the sensory system for its extra-uterine function, and for the completion of the reticular formation for full mental-physical coordinates and learning... the organism never fully recovers. All future learning is affected. The infant body goes into shock. - Joseph Chilton Pearce

Marshal Klaus, MD, and John Kennell, MD, wrote the book Maternal-Infant Bonding, in 1976, describing the connection between a mother and her child, which originate at birth (or even before) and which is characterized as an intense physical, emotional, spiritual, bond that exists between the two. They describe this bond as a sensitive dance that occurs between them, where each relies on the cues of the other and interacts in an intense intertwined fashion.

The mother-infant bond is extremely important to the present and future emotional health of a child. There are clear indications that an infant is ready to respond to his mother from the moment of birth. Evidence shows that an infant hears and recognizes his mother's voice prenatally.  This innate preference in addition to several reflexive behaviors are important to the concept of bonding.  (Brazelton & Cramer, 1990). 

Adoption Awareness ~ Adoption Trauma to the Child

I'm cheating today ~ I just don't have it in me to write another post about adoption today.

Here's an article I found ~ written by Florence Clothier, M.D., in 1943.  This is an excerpt from "The Psychology of the Adopted Child", The National Committee for Mental Health, Journal on Mental Hygiene., New York.

Did you pay attention to the year?  1943!!

Susie

Trauma to Child

 The child who does not grow up with his own biological parents, or does not even know them or anyone of his own blood, is an individual who has lost the thread of family continuity. A deep identification with our forebears, as experienced originally in the mother-child relationship, gives us our most fundamental security. The child’s repeated discoveries that the mother from whom he has been biologically separated will continue to warm him, nourish him, and protect him pours into the very structure of his personality a stability and a reassurance that he is safe, even in this new alien world.

Every adopted child, at some time in his development, has been deprived of this primitive relationship with his mother. This trauma and the severing of the individual from his racial antecedents lie at the core of what is peculiar to the psychology of the adopted child. The adopted child presents all the complications in social and emotional developments seen in the own child. But the ego of the adopted child, in addition to all the normal demands made upon it, is called upon to compensate for wound left by the loss of the biological mother. Later on this appears as an unknown void, separating the adopted child from his fellows whose blood ties bind them to the past as well as to the future.

It is pertinent never to lose sight of the fact that no matter how lost to him his natural parents may be, the adopted child carries stamped in every cell of his body genes derived from his forebears. The primitive stuff of which he is made and which he will pass on to future generations was determined finally at the time of his conception. . . The implications of this for the psychology of the adopted child are of the utmost significance.

The child who is placed with adoptive parents at or soon after birth misses the mutual and deeply satisfying mother-child relationship, the roots of which lie in that deep area of the personality where the physiological and psychological are merged. Both for the child and for the natural mother, that period is part of a biological sequence, and it is to be doubted whether the relationship to it’s post-partum mother, in it’s subtler effects, can be replaced by even the best of substitute mothers.

But those subtle effects lie so deeply buried in the personality that, in light of our present knowledge, we cannot evaluate them. We do know more about the trauma that an older baby suffers when he is separated from his mother, with whom his relationship is no longer merely parasitic, but toward whom he has developed active social strivings. For some children, and in some stages of development, this severing of the budding social relationship can cause irreparable harm. The child’s willingness to sacrifice instinctive gratifications and infantile pleasures for the sake of love relationships has proved a bitter disillusionment, and he may be loath to give himself into a love relationship again.’